Withholding information

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I am looking for advice about a friendship issue:

Background: I have had a stress disorder my whole adult life stemming from sexual abuse as a child. I'm getting over it now, thank god. It has been a long road. Along the way, I discovered I am also on the spectrum (I'm a 50+ female). This has been a big relief to find out about and has solved a lot of puzzles about my own life as well as other family members.

I only have one close friend. Next to her, there is a couple I have known for almost 30 years. I don't see or talk to them much now, but used to go on camping trips and do other stuff together in the past. They are sort of like family to me and they say the same to me.

During the most wretched part of my stress disorder, I thought for awhile that I had a borderline personality disorder (BPD). This was due to some misinformation from a really crappy, mentally abusive therapist I had seen. I don't have BPD and have had confirmation that I don't from two other, good therapists. I was mistaking the stress disorder for BPD.

When I first thought I had BPD, it was a relief because I finally had a name for a lot of horrible symptoms that I had. At that point, I did not know about AS or that BPD has such bad connotations. I just thought, "Yippy! There is a name for this s**t! Maybe there are others out there who can relate to what I am going through!"

I called one of the people in this couple and gleefully announced that I had BPD. She was "supportive" and did not discourage me from thinking this. A year later, when I found out for sure I do not have this condition, I called this friend back and told her and she said, "Yeah, I knew that."

Awhile after all this, when I found out about AS, I realized that this couple had almost certainly known this about me for some time. It's a long story as to why I feel sure about this, so I won't go into all the facts.

Here is my dilemma: I would like to still be friends with these people, but I feel they withheld important information from me. They knew more about both of these conditions than I did in the past and they did not tell me what they knew. Withholding information is a cardinal sin in my book, especially given that they saw me in acute, on-going distress (I'm talking years) as I tried to figure out my stress disorder and learn about AS and how that has affected my life.

As I think about going to see them, maybe around the holidays, I am wondering what to do. Part of me feels like never seeing them again. On the other hand, I like some things about both of them a lot and I have so few close friends it seems like I should not just walk away from this.

Should I try to talk to them about it? What do I say to try and clear this up? It feeds so much into parinoia I have about people mind-f------ me that I feel scared.

Another thought I have had is to just try and forget it and try to be friends without telling them what I feel. But I'm worried I might blurt something out (I'm prone to that), or just go on feeling resentment and confusion. They are both NTs. Any thoughts would be appreciated, and if there are any NTs reading this I would especially appreciate hearing your perspective. Thanks.

There is a piece of information missing which I feel to be vital to answering your question. Why did they not tell you? If you do not already know the answer to that question then I don't think you can formulate a plan of action with the peace of mind that you are doing so with all of the pertinent information. If it IS the case that you don't know the answer to that question then I think you need to ask them. Perhaps they were withholding what they knew out of a misguided desire to protect you. A lot of people act simply on how something feels so if they felt that not telling you was the best thing then it's entirely likely that they did not analyse things any further than that. I think it would be a mistake to assume, with no supporting evidence, that they maliciously or callously withheld the information. Carelessly, perhaps, but probably not callously imo.

Unless they are qualified doctors or psychiatrists and have run tests on you, they could not possibly know if you were BPD or had AS. With this in mind, I don't see how you can suggest they were "withholding information". They may have had suspicions, but depending on the dynamic of your friendship it might have been very inappropriate and possibly offensive for them to say "Oh yeah, we think your autistic!".



For what's it worth, I'm NT and don't see why you have an issue with them. However, if you feel confused about it, I'd suggest that you give them a call and talk about it.

I don't know why they withheld the information. That's the whole problem. I know it may not have been malicious. I don't know how or if to approach them about this whole thing.

How did they withhold information? Are they doctors or psychiatrists that they could accurate assess whether you had a BPD or were on the autism spectrum, which is what you are thinking they withheld, right?

What I'm saying is that I told the friend I thought I had BPD and she did not tell me that she did not think this was true, even though she did not believe it at that time. Apparently, she has some familiarity with what this means.

I am not a doctor, but if this friend had come to me and said she thought she had leprosy and I knew something about leprosy and what I knew conflicted with what she was telling me, I would say that. I'd suggest a second opinion from a doctor. To not reveal what I know would be withholding of information from my standpoint. I realize that may not be how this would add up in an NT mind. That's why I am posting here. To try and understand what's going on and how best to proceed.

Aside from emergencies, doctors generally do not treat family members. This is even more true of the mental health professions. I have a friend who I once asked about something and her answer was a resounding "I do not diagnose friends and family."

I don't really think she did anything wrong. Maybe she disagreed with the doctor but not being a doctor herself thought it best not to speak up.

Honestly all people have something they are withholding some information. Even if they are nicest to you. They do so as they think it is rude to be very blunt. So my take would be, if you like doing some things with some one continue doing it with that person; so continue spending time. If you no longer enjoy doing anything with someone then stop. Most people do not consider honesty as a factor when interacting with people. Normal interactions are more about having fun during the time that you are together, than being honest.

My experience on this is that people might have an idea of what they think it is but they assume that you already you know the nature of your disablity.
Alot of people then consider it rude to ask or to "pry" you about this subject as it is likely to make you uncomfortable.

I don't think they've been acting maliciously. The only person who can say for sure what was meant by the 'I know' comment is your friend. If it's playing on your mind, it may be worth asking her about it. Just be careful not to be confrontational or accuse her of witholding information. My thought on the situation is she probably didn't know how to respond when you told her.

People are often wary of psychological labels, as you know doctors can get it wrong, but good friends will look beyond viewing you as 'so and so with BPD, Aspergers', etc. Maybe what she actually meant was 'I know, but it doesn't change how I see you as a person/friend'. I'm not saying getting diagnosed is a bad thing, as you say having a name for what's going on in your mind can sometimes help you understand how to go about making things better. Maybe she read up or knew a little about BPD and didn't feel like it really fitted you, but she's wasn't the one treating you, so didn't feel it was her place to question the diagnosis. There's a lot of possibilities really. I can see why you feel frustrated though, it sounds like you've been through a heck of a lot. If I'm honest I'm guilty of reading negatives into something which is probably perfectly innocent, so I do get why it's bothering you. I hate not being able to tell why people say certain things or if it's meant as a dig, etc

I much prefer friends who are honest and direct than polite and white-lying. If I was in your situation, I'd tell them that, so they know for the future.

That said, it takes a very close friendship for honesty and directness to work. In my experience, if the person doesn't consider you two very close friends, they won't try the honest and direct approach with you however much you ask for it.