Was this too harsh

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I have a close friend whose been married for almost two years and has long set several boundaries with her single friends to follow. Lately though, she has seemed to have started acting funny with me because her husband decided to set some boundaries that she does not need to talk on the phone so much with her friends or spend as much time with them. That is fine.

However, I am not impressed with the interactions right now and I feel like I have been the one calling and doing all reaching out. I also feel she seems to loosing interest with me.

So what I did was basically put the ball in her court by explaining to her that I was not going to call her again until she felt that her husband was ready for her to talk to her friends again and said that it was her turn to call me when she had time in more than an hour or two.

Was that too harsh or am I just being a whiny brat about things?

No, it wasn't too harsh at all. You are telling her that she needs to be a better friend. It's not a one way street. Good for you that you aren't afraid to stand up for yourself.

She normally calls me right back and gives us time to associate but her behavior lately is touching my buttons.

- She has been cutting our phone conversations short because of her husband

-She seemed to break a commitment with me that she was going to associate with me until a certain time and seemed to take off a lot earlier than she promised and it was almost abruptly.

She is also seeming to act funny with me on facebook as well but I don't want to say anything.

It was a bit harsh and whiny. Married couples (and people in general) have their own lives to get on with and sometimes friends can't always be at the top of their list of priorities.

That sounds abusive to me. I wouldn't want anyone to tell me how much I should see or talk to other people - as long as I exercise common sense, obviously.

Hmm. Maybe she's got the hump. I wouldn't worry about it, maybe she's just having an off period or is stressed about something. When's she feeling more jolly, she'll probably be back to her usual self.

I get that she has her own life and her husband. However, I really feel in my heart that she not interested in me anymore.

For instance, she seemed to lead me around in the FB private message area by asking me something and I attempt to respond to her and then she has been ignoring me otherwise.

I really don't feel like she has been respectful to me as a person for the last month now. I mean, she is not even responding to me on anything unless it is convenient.

She always whines that her other friends do the same thing to her.

That's just rude. It could be that's she busy or maybe she's just so wrapped up in her own angst that she's not being very thoughtful about you and your friendship.



That's pretty bad form. Personally I would be inclined to wait for her to contact you.

I decided to not contact her for a while since I am not wild about the interactions right now. I am also not impressed with the fact that she has seemed to lead me around.

My friends always distanced / vanished the moment they secured themselves a life partner. Maybe they had never liked me and were just lonely before, I don't know. In many cases, the spouses didn't like them having close relationships with other humans and my friends didn't challenge them on that for fear of losing them.

I don't think it matters much if you were harsh or not, at this point the friendship is "on the rocks" either way, and it's because of her choices.

I chose to remove her from Facebook and even block her because I am so disappointed in her.

I also called her on the carpet by shooting her an e-mail and expressing to her that I felt like she had not been respecting me as a person lately. I also asked her what I did wrong. I also asked her if she was insecure around me. I also said, "I mean I thought you were my friend."

She told me that she had been depressed and had been pushing everyone away lately while still feeling insecure with her husband in that she is afraid that he will leave her. I know that is not true.

Yes, her husband has seemed to be getting jealous of her other friends since he just has one friend. She told me before that she tried to get him to talk to some other guys that they both know but he just does not want to seem to reach out.

Yet, I feel that her behavior was no excuse online in terms of writing to me about something and then not respond when I would write back.

Her mother in law does not want me around and was not too happy that I was over at my friend's house for Thanksgiving. In fact, she was mad most of the afternoon and evening by basically bossing my friend and her husband around. She thought she was more important too and talked down to me like I was a poor piece of dirt because she has a lot of money, For instance, I was looking at a loft closer to my friend and her husband on on public transportation. Her monster in law as a call her said, "I don't think you can afford that." She also said that my friend did not have time to do dinner with me since she had a husband to take care of and that he needed to eat when I was mentioning that I was going to eat dinner with my friend sometime when she and her husband moved closer in. It was very rude.

You know I had a situation just like this. I had a friend that I had for about 10 years. She even introduced me to my husband. The rift started when she got this girlfriend, who apparently didn't like me. Not that I hung out with my friend hardly ever, as most people on here social situations are not easy. So if we hung out it was usually a quiet meeting. But this new girlfriend started texting me from my friends phone really mean, vicious things to me. I told my friend and basically she choose her girlfriend over me. Because I told her that I didnt' want to be around someone that spoke to me like that. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that you weren't harsh, you told her what you wanted and it was up to her to either be a friend or not.

But I'm not so good with people so I could be wrong.

She is evidently really going through a rough time at the moment and does not want to talk over the phone to anyone until she feels better. One of the things going on in her life is that she claims that she has not found a niche in life like most of us have. It still isn't an excuse to manipulate that issue and take it out on all of us.

Her monster-in-law only saw each other a few times and she has never had any nerve to text my her other friends and I and say mean things. She only made those comments upon seeing me last year.

Her husband has been very accepting of me and is very nice. I don't think he would ever do anything to try and hurt our relationship.

I think this is her choice in treating me like a door mat to step on and she has been stepping all over me way too many times. I am tired of it.

As for your friend, she made her choice to choose that other jerky girl over you who felt jealous and inferior.

That's actually a HUGE red flag for domestic abuse. When a man tries to cut a woman off from her friends, it weakens her, removes her options for escape. If all her friends hate her, she has no where to go.

Not saying that's happening here, but that is a huge red flag to me.

In the long run, it might be better to leave the door open for her, so if g-d forbid, the above is true, she will have a place to go find safety.

thewhitrbbit, that's the more extreme possibility. There are several more:

1. the spouse is controlling without being physically abusive

2. the spouses have made a pact to distance from anyone close they had before. Eg: in the case of my sister, she didn't want them to have to take care of his mother in old age, so she was very willing to cut all ties with our parents when they got sick, it was only logical for her that she fulfill her part of the pact and she was happy to do it to ensure her mother in law wouldn't be anywhere near in old age.

3. the person never cared much for friendships in general, and is only happy to now not need friends anymore to go out with and share life.

4. the person never cherished your friendship and is happy to not need you much anymore.

5. the person is insecure about their spouse and fear investing time and energy in other people, such as friends and family (this sounds like what the OP's friend is going through).

At least in my experience, you can never be sure which it is, as there are so many possibilities.

I am confused myself.

We have not spoken over the phone in almost a month now. However, the last time I saw her, she just seemed to take off abruptly after checking her new cell phone after making a promise that she would be there until a certain time and then taking over an hour and a half earlier. She has not bothered to tell me what the story was on that either.