If SAD is common, why don't people still seem to understand?

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SAD - social anxiety disorder.
Everybody that I know knows at least one person who has SAD or some other form of shyness, and every time I read up about SAD (since I suffer with it) it says things like ''SAD is more common than you think'' or, ''one of the most common fears is being laughed at.'' Do SAD forums just say that to make you feel less alone, or do people feel so ashamed of being shy or socially phobic that they try to cover it up by making other shy-looking people feel bad? Because the amount of funny looks and stares I get a day just from looking shy or nervous (because I know I don't do anything else to attract that kind of attention) is unbelievable, and it feels as if everybody doesn't understand shyness or never heard of SAD and so they see a shy-looking person and assume they are some sort of freak or something.

And it's not because I'm attractive, I hate it when people say that because I'm nothing out of the ordinary to make other people go, ''wow, look how beautiful that girl is!'', but yet I'm not the opposite either, where people go, ''oh my God, who is that weirdo over there?'' I just rank somewhere inbetween, where I just appear as another ordinary person, and the shy/anxious body language I give off isn't too noticeable but probably enough to make it look like I am shy, no matter how much I try to ignore it and get on with my day. At least I look presentable and don't have an awkward or funny gait. It seems I cannot do much more than what I do to fit in.

I was just wondering if SAD is common (which I believe it is), then why does it seem like people don't understand when they see someone with SAD, and act as though someone looking a little shy is suddenly going to dance around like an insane maniac? I would have thought the typical instinct reaction would be to not draw attention to shy people, but to confident people instead. I mean, us shy people with SAD get ignored at social events mostly, so why can't we get ignored in general public places?

First of all, good observation. I noticed the same thing, even though I don't think I have SAD. I think it may be applied to anyone who shows atypical social behavior.

I propose three answers:
1. Most people don't think about their behavior as much as we do (resp. we think they do).
2. The fact that it's common doesn't mean that people know about it.
3. Not everyone is trying to be nice.

Can you give an example of “general public places”?

The one I propose: Take group of teenagers, once in a classroom, once at a party. At the party, there is little light and loud music, and people want to have fun. If you sit in a corner, people just don't notice you.
Now the classroom. It's well-lit and there is no place to hide (which is by design, so the teacher can see every student). The students are bored and annoyed by the classes and the teachers. They want to take their bad mood out on someone. Now this weird guy/girl who doesn't have so many friends and can't defend is just the ideal victim. So they make fun of him/her, bully him/her, or worse.
Is that what you were talking about?

Hmm, not really. I mostly get bitchy stares from people in shops, bus stops, libraries, and just walking in the street, and other places like that where you are not attending to be in compitition with anyone else, being so not everybody has the choice but have to go out and do their shopping or go to the library or get on a bus, etcetera. But it seems like I get more judged when just going to usual places during the day, than I did when I used to sometimes go to a local pub, where I thought I would get more judged because the majority of people go to pubs and bars to socialise and to dress up and so on.

But I don't always mean social situations as in discos with loud music and flashing lights. I mean any social situation, like weddings, and daytime parties or garden parties, where there's not loud music and dim light setting. And I actually feel less anxious just in the street than I do at any party, so I don't get what it is.

I just thought SAD was more understood than AS. This is why I'm starting to tell my friends that I have SAD, and they understand it straight away without having to explain myself, and they don't under or overestimate me either, they just go on treating me the same as always, probably because SAD sounds more generalized, where as saying ''I have got AS'' just sounds more blunt and not everybody's heard of it, and if they have they normally just look at the stereotypes and start acting annoying like being afraid to touch me because they think all Aspies don't like being touched, or thinking I'm going to curl up on the floor in a busy place and have a meltdown - which I don't do any of those things, which is another reason why I don't understand why I get so many stares from people, because I have learnt how to keep my cool in busy places, and only get a little flustered to a small degree, but then again I've seen other people getting a bit stressed in extremely crowded places, so I do nothing out of the ordinary.

But I just wish people wouldn't pick on shy people so much. It mostly seems to be women in their 60s. I get better behaviour from teenagers around me than I do older women. When I'm in public, I tend to get drawn more to confident people, who want attention, and I don't look at shy people so much because most of them prefer to blend into the background.

Where's the empathy of some people?

Hm, OK, I chose two extreme examples, but I think it still applies.
Why would people stare at you at a garden party? People at a garden party are trying to have fun by talking to each other. Once they assume that you're not participating, they ignore you and talk to someone else.


Try to figure out if there is anything special about your appearance/behaviour in public. When I stand at a roofed bus stop and someone else moves there, I sometimes step aside even if there is plenty of room, which probably looks strange.
But maybe 60-year-old women just tend to stare.


Empathy and good behaviour are different things.

It sounds like you are hyper aware of all the people around you and possibly reading into their looks a negative expression . People with SAD do this. I always assume when I walk past people that suddenly laugh that they are laughing at me. It simply isn't true but that's my reaction.

The trick is to challenge the reaction you have by not accepting the negative look has anything to do with you and allow it to be entirely their problem - bad day, late for work, dog died, whatever becasue that's probably what it is anyway. It's tough to do but you can do it. When I hear people laughing now I think great! they're having fun - wish I heard the joke.

I don't do anything that looks strange, I hate it when people on message boards make that assumption. Well, maybe if I do, I am always aware of it and then I expect stares then, which people don't always notice anyway, unless I do something odd in a noticeable way, which I do sometimes when somebody agitates me, but that's when I WANT attention because I want people to know that I feel this way. Otherwise, I don't agree with people staring for no reason when I know I'm not doing anything to draw any negative attention, like just walking down the street. I've even got odd looks when smiling to people, which I think is downright rude because if somebody goes out of their way to smile, they should smile back at least.

This now puts me off making eye contact with strangers, which can be very awkward sometimes because twice in one day I have passed a lady who works at the shop where I volunteer at, and it really looked like I was trying to avoid her. Worse, I pretend to make eye contact, just so that I don't look nervous, so I keep my head up and kind of really quickly glance at people's faces but not directly at their eyes so I don't register who they are because I'm not paying attention, because I'm trying to avoid eye contact so that I don't get all upset if I do catch somebody staring. It works because it makes it look like I am confident by holding my shoulders back and looking up, but the downside of that is people that know me might think, ''oh I bet she saw me and didn't want to speak.'' That's not the case at all, I love to stop and speak to people. Maybe I could try telling everyone I know that I don't look at people in public.

I hope I didn't make that assumption. It sounds like you have it really bad - I know from my own experience what it's like. I've read some books and had some therapy which has helped. I hope you find something that works for you!

I think people who are observant can tell if a person is looking sad or happy or confident or nervous. You can't change what they think - The clues are there for anyone to see. I'm trying to work on placing my hands and not fiddling my fingers - that's tough for me.

I had social anxiety for years (and still do, though nowhere nears as bad) and it took me several years to overcome the errors in thinking that you seem to be having trouble with currently.

The truth is that when you are in public

a) Most people don’t even see you, let alone pay any attention to you. You are just a person in their periphery as they go about their business.
b) The people that you worry are judging you are generally far to busy in their own heads to think about or judge you. Indeed, some will be having similar sorts of worries that you are judging them.
c) If people do glance or look at you, they might not be conscious of it. They could just be taken with a distraction of movement or the colour of clothing.
d) When people do look at you, they will have forgotten pretty much every detail about you within a minute or so. They don’t remember you or go home thinking about you.
e) Sometimes people will stare at you, but they’re not paying attention to you. Just the other day I was at an event with about sixty people and during a boring speech that was being made I was just staring ahead and there was someone there. I wasn’t looking at them, it’s just that they were in my line of sight.
f) There will be occassions where people actually are looking at you in a "bitchy" way, but these instances should be ignored because who cares what some nasty person thinks?





You don’t know what kind of mood the person you are smiling at or what kind of day they’ve had. They might be angry or thinking intently on something. They might just be a rude, surly git. I suppose what I’m saying is, when you smile at someone, don’t expect a smile back.




I get this kind of thing a lot where I work. There are long corridors where you can see someone coming towards your from 50 feet away. If it’s someone I’ve seen around but don’t know I will usually (but not always) do a small smile and slight nod of the head; just to acknowledge them. I might do the same to a stranger, but only if I’m feeling happy or confident (otherwise I’ll just ignore them). If it’s someone I know approaching me and I am comfortable with then I’ll just smile and say “Hello”. Either way, these type of instances can make me feel weird sometimes. Such is life, I suppose.

This is just my experience with social anxiety. I hope you find something useful in it.

Yer but surely not every person I pass is having a bad day. I have a few bad days a week but I still take the trouble to smile to people, unless I am feeling REALLY bad, and then I do keep my head right down, hoping to give off a non-verbal message saying ''I am really not in the mood to look at anyone right now, please don't take this personally''. But I passed 10 people (I counted) on my way up to the town yesterday, and I smiled to every one of them, and none of them smiled back, and these were random people of all ages. Unless they're all having a bad day, I would have thought at least one would smile back. I even stepped to the side to let an elderly person pass in a wheelchair and I gave them a nice friendly look, and they just glared up at me like I was doing something wrong. And it's not nothing to do with how I smile because I know the difference between a friendly smile and a big silly grin.

The thing that bothers me the most is when I'm with my mum or aunt, they get a hello from nearly everyone who passes them, whether they know them or not at all, just by making eye contact and giving them a smile. I don't know if I get ignored because of being young, but that shouldn't be the case. I hate teenagers, but if one went out of their way to smile to me, I'd be quite complimented, and I'd definately smile back.

I just thought it's not that hard getting a smile back from people, being so most NTs do desire social interaction of some sort.

I think you might be right, it could be an age thing. People are just fickle, I guess.