I forgot an acquaintance was "black"? What do I do

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I feel like a jerk, and I'm sort of confused, and this is pretty hard to explain. I was talking to some people I like who I see as potential friends, and I was touching one guy's hair and blood vessels (because they're so fun to touch when they stick out!) and shoes and complimenting him on his hair follicles (they are VERY nice). These people understand that I'm autistic and they're a lot more accepting of me being different than almost any other place I've been to.

The person I was touching has brown skin, but I forget a lot of times what color people are because I just focus on one part of their bodies or I don't look at them at all (I have light skin). I also forgot about the social and cultural implications about it. I was joking that I own my other friends and said something like "I'm going to own your blood vessels and hair, but you can keep your hair follicles because I'm just that nice" and he said "Oh, we're back to that again, are we?"

My brain didn't make the connection at all, so I said "What?" and after a while I understood that it is because he has brown skin and I have light skin and it reminds people of slavery and the "white" people enslaving the "black" people. (I HATE the terms "white" and "black" to describe skin color because nobody is actually white or black in real life! It's one of those weird things!) When I realized it, I asked if it was different because I also joke like that to my other friends who have light skin, and he said it wasn't, and I felt very guilty because I HATE racist people (and sexist people and homophobic people and ableist people and religion-ist people and transphobic people and ethnocentric people and basically anyone with a bigoted prejudice other than against rich people). I realized that I hadn't thought about it and I probably upset him.

Then I realized that if I had remembered he was "black" and remembered the social and cultural implications I would not have said that. As a comparison, I thought about what it would be like if I knew a girl whose family had been raped by my family, and I joked that I would rape her because (hypothetically) I joked like that with all my friends, and I think it would really, really upset her.

This happened a few days ago, and he's acting normal and friendly to me, but I don't know if he's still upset about it because he's NT and NTs often act "okay" when they're not, and I don't know if I should bring it back up to apologize for it or try not to remind him. In the imaginary scenario with the girl, I think she would be thinking about it all the time and not ever look at me the same way again, so maybe I should apologize, but I also think that if she'd been able to get past it and I reminded her again, it would upset her too.

Do you guys think I should apologize or assume that he's better about it now and would rather not think about it?

Print out your post and give it to him.

That...actually makes a lot of sense. I do think I explained it better in that post than I could have in person with words and speaking. I will consider it, unless other people have anything else to say (like "NOOOOO IT'S A TRAP!! !")

It seems that you may have inadvertently made a comment with racist connotations.
I think everyone makes comments from time to time that have the potential to be interpreted in a way that was never intended.

If the person seems bothered about it, just be honest and open, apologise for any offense cause and be clear that the connotations were completely unintentional.

That's true--the problem is, I can't tell if he seems bothered or not. He's not said anything about it since it happened, and he talks to me and doesn't avoid me (I think; I sometimes don't give people a choice) and he showed me how he can throw coins at things, but he could still be feeling it inside. I know this because I sometimes feel feelings inside without telling people, and Neurotypicals do that too, and sometimes they think they're making it clear when they're not, so I'm afraid that I'll misinterpret.

Sorry for all the paranoia--I just keep getting reminded by life and my mom about how I'm bad at interpreting these things and how there's a lot more going on socially than I think.

If I were him and read this post, I'd be more upset that you put black in quotation marks.

He'll say it loud, he's black and he's proud. There's no need to treat his blackness as if it's simply arbitrary because you're uncomfortable with it. But I forgot, you're "autistic."

That's true--I hadn't thought of that, partially because one of my childhood friends agreed with me and insisted that she WASN'T "Black"; she WASN'T "African-American"; she was "Brown." It messes with my head, but I guess it doesn't matter because that's his preference, just like the pronouns people should use for me are my preference. And I know that some people have different preferences, just like for gender pronouns, and I like people to ask me what pronoun I prefer, but I don't know if I should do it for describing his color? I've not actually talked to him about that because it never came up. And is it bad if I use my word on my own, or should I say Black? My reasoning is that I can't possibly fit EVERYONE else's preferences, but maybe if it's about one specific person I should figure out his/her/its preference and use that one...

Also, "autistic" in quotation marks doesn't bother me like maybe it should? That might also have to do with the reason I haven't thought of it. But thank you for reminding me!

And I like your Vulcan gesture.

Don't worry about the paranoia, that's something most people in this community are dealing with.

If this person is still being friendly with you then maybe either, they didn't make this connection themselves or they dismissed it quickly as an inadvertant connection.
It's probably more about you than them. If it bothers you then tell them, I'm sure they would understand. Consider, though if it necessary to make an issue out it as I'm sure there are more positive things you can share with this person.

I think he understood exactly what you meant but his sense of humor made him think to say what he did as a joke. When you make fun of bad or sad things, it's dark humor and some people think of those things automatically. He just made a joke about it, thats all. If he thought it would upset you he never would have said it, I'm sure. I also think that if he were offended by your remark he would have either left and avoided you or told you off.

I don't see anything wrong with what you said, you complimented him on his hair. I hear people say things like "I'm going to steal those shoes from you" or "Why are you wearing my shirt?" in a funny way to compliment them on their clothing. It joking implies that they like it so much they wish it were theirs. That's all you did about his hair and I'm sure he knew it.

I wouldn't worry about it anymore or bring it up again. I know that when someone says something that gives me an opportunity to make a quick joke like he did I'm pleased and I imagine he felt the same way. I think you feel completely different about it than he does. I don't think he thought you meant anything bad at all and he understood exactly what you meant.

As for forgetting somebody is a different race, race doesnt really matter that much anymore to a lot of people. An example is my youngest daughter has two good friends who everyone says look exactly like her. Everybody jokingly calls them "The Triplets" because they are the same height, build, have the same hair style, wear the same glasses, have the same mannerisms and all wear the exact same style of clothes and like the exact same music, movies, tv, books and boys. My daughter and one friend is white, the other is black. The white girl and my daughter are mistaken for each other all the time at school, but the black girl looks just like both of them except her skin is very dark. That's the only reason she's not mistaken for either of them. Obviously they can't be actual triplets or even pass themselves off as triplets, although the two white girls could pass themselves off as twins, but the fact that one is black isn't ever really an issue. Funnily enough, they joke about it. It's not something that can't be talked about or anything. They say they are triplets and the white girl was first out of "the oven" (that's a take on the saying about pregnant women "having a bun in the oven" as a euphamism for being pregnant) because she has very pale skin, then my daughter was next because she has olive skin and the black girl was born last because she was browned in the oven longer. So, it's not an issue.

I agree with this. I think you explained your thought patterns leading up to the incident well and he'll understand.

I like to make everything a joke. I lets me get away with a lot of inadvertently offensive comments that I make.

I also agree. Black people have to put up with a lot that other races aren't aware of. The pretending-everything-is-fine reaction is pretty common after someone has said something racist either accidentally or on purpose.

Your friend probably really is fine because he knows you didn't mean it that way, but I think just in case it would be best to explain that you don't have much of a concept of race and just didn't realize it sounded that way. Your original post put everything very well.

Yes, that's what I was thinking when I felt like I should apologize. In my English class my senior year, my teacher talked a lot about how it feels to be a racial minority. I don't ever want to assume that everything is okay if it isn't.

With regards to the dark humor, I understand and I do that as well about the time someone tried to kill me. It generally makes me laugh and everyone else uncomfortable, but although I am able to laugh (and HAVE to laugh) about it, I still feel awful about when the person tried to kill me. I'm afraid that even if it was dark humor (I couldn't tell because I'm still bad at telling jokes sometimes) he still feels bad about it inside. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

I'm fairly certain that he was teasing you and that he wasn't upset in the slightest.

Personally, if I was your friend I'd be more annoyed by people tiptoeing around me and feeling that they had to watch everything they said in case it offended me.

True....tiptoeing around him will make things more awkward.......just go on as you usually do with him.