Why Do We Shun Those in Despair?

Post Reply New Topic

Today’s a dark, cloudy day where I live. It’s the type of morning where I feel depressed, and don’t want to leave bed. I did eventually, got into my everyday routine, and I almost forgot I was depressed. The lack of sunlight serves as a reminder, though, what despair feels like.
There have been long periods where I have been in despair, and it is the one emotion that can completely envelop me. As I am sure many of you can realte, I feel there is no way that I can be “happy.” Even today, I am not happy. I am not sad or depressed or angry or bitter, but I don’t feel any strong positive emotions. And if my situation ever changes (loss of family member, financial distress, etc.), I’d go back to despair. I have no way of resisting it.
Yet when I’m in despair, I am afraid to talk about my feelings with friends or most family. I find that despair, more than any other emotion, is met with disgust. People tell me to “get over it” or “stop whining,” and rarely just listen or let me be. Most often, people shun me. The irony is that it makes the feeling of despair even worse.
Why do you think people like this? Might they see me as immature for speaking up? Are they simply afraid they may fall into despair themselves?

They're afraid it's contagious. Pretty much. Also, they may not be able to help, and then feel bad for that reason. Another reason is that helping people requires effort, and they've either decided they don't want to waste the effort, or they have too much on their own plate to try to help others.

If someone I knew was feeling despair, I'd want to know as I'd do whatever I could to support them and try to make them feel a bit better.
Like you though, I keep it to myself if I'm feeling low. Probably because I'm worried that if I'm on the edge of despair and I reach out to someone, they'll turn their back on me.

the late phil ochs sang it best in a song about selfishness and complacency and disocial moral atavism, in "outside of a small circle of friends"-

[singing about kitty genovese] "
Look outside the window, there's a woman being grabbed
They've dragged her to the bushes and now she's being stabbed
Maybe we should call the cops and try to stop the pain
But Monopoly is so much fun, I'd hate to blow the game
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends.

Riding down the highway, yes, my back is getting stiff
Thirteen cars are piled up, they're hanging on a cliff.
Maybe we should pull them back with our towing chain
But we gotta move and we might get sued and it looks like it's gonna rain
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends.

Sweating in the ghetto with the colored and the poor
The rats have joined the babies who are sleeping on the floor
Now wouldn't it be a riot if they really blew their tops?
But they got too much already and besides we got the cops
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends."

In my opinion it's because people are miserable but a lot of people can hide it better.

And when they see that someone else is in despair, they think of that person as untouchable for not being able to contain his or herself and be "normal".

Basically, they feel threatened by others who are showing emotion and they realise by seeing those others that their life is a facade meant to cover up their own misery.

here is an example from the animal world that i believe is somewhat analagous to how humans are fair-weather friends to one another, for the most part- my sis' cat [named "anja"] normally clings to me like i was a big catnip, but when i came limping home maimed from the hospital with arm in splint/sling, other arm covered in full-length bandage, 5-day-old blood on my shoes/clothing from my arms [hospital couldn't be bothered to at least wash my clothing ], the cat took one sniff from a distance, and ran and hid, for 2 weeks! animals [with the notable exception of some domestic dogs] tend to avoid injured fellow animals because it makes them more likely to be some predator's next meal, on the working theory that the injured animal isn't going anywhere, so one might as well devour the fresher [uninjured] animal and save the injured one for a rainy day. i believe humans carry over a lot of atavistically darwinian garbage from their ancestors up the evolutionary tree of life.