Feeling clingy and a need to be involved

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Hi,
I had been thinking about something over the last few days. That happens to be that I am not really angry with anyone but that I am feeling the need to be around other people. This includes close friends. Whenever my friends get together with other friends of mine, it causes me to have a melt down as I like to be involved in certain activities with them especially when they invite me. Even though it was not intentional on their end.

Anyway, because I can be clingy, the worst for me is whenever one who I was associating with me before seemed to be interested in my company one time and then completely turned it off for some odd reason and then act cold with the next time. This then causes me to become angry with the person. I have often yelled at them or called them names in the past.

Has anyone else had the same problem that I had experience?

all the time-I think I tend to be left out for some reason I do not know and maybe others are influencing the decision to exclude me. Its a terrible feeling.

I know now myself that the world is not out to get me and also realizing that people are just fickle in general because we are all human. I do it too.

I also realize that I retaliated in anger with those who seemed to turn it off with me without pulling me to the side to explain what I did or did not do. Instead, they just no longer wished to hang out with me.

One of the ways I did it was calling up and yelling at someone who just turned it off like that for standing me up and then ignoring me.

I also yelled at someone else who seemed to turn it off fairly recently because I said things and did that, "Got on their nerves." It was also because I was too "Hyper."

The other thing that gets under my skin is when you get invited to a party by certain people and you go but when it comes to inviting them back, they never reply no as to why they can't make it.

I also don't care for it when one goes and seems to get everyone else and their brother gifts or cards and you never seem to get anything. To me, that is a sign of being left out.

I have had that happen more times than I care to remember-its tough and whats tough is when you make plans that are accepted by multiple people and then at the last minute one person accepts another invite and the rest also cancel and you end up alone that has happened to me over the years. I will never know why and it hurts.

What about people who make plans with you on a certain day and then cancel but constantly re-schedule with you day after day? Then they stand you up.

This was 12 years ago now....

It happened with a girl who I was friends with back when we were children. We had a falling out for three years and then attempted to re-connect upon her wanting something from me. Otherwise, she was not really that interested in the friendship and just led me around without being honest.

Anyway, she, her mother, my mother and I made plans to have her sleep over a few days after a social gathering we had at my parent's house. She even made the commitment that she would come while her mother agreed. When it came to the day, she called me and when I picked up, she had a very phoney "He...eeey, I don't think I can come today." I asked if she was sick. "No, I have to go to court early in the morning tomorrow because I got a speeding ticket yesterday. How about we do it tomorrow after court? I promise."

The next day came and she was not home all day and then I finally got a hold of her in the early evening and confirmed if she was still on. "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't come now. It is raining really hard. How about tomorrow? However, can you call me tomorrow? I have such and such going on as we can talk then."

So I followed through for the third time and her mother picked up the phone by also blowing me off herself and letting me know to call back 15 minutes later since this girl was putting her make up on. I also confirmed with her mom about her sleeping over but she paused for a whole minute before giving me an, "I don't know. You'll have to okay that with my daughter." Her daughter was only 15 and had her permit. So I hung up and followed through but not one was answering and I kept calling until her mom picked up. I asked if she was there. Was she? No, she was not there because had gone out to be with her other guy friends after making plans with them.

Knowing that I can be clingy, again I retaliated because I could not understand that type of behavior. This was either by calling them up on the weekends and yelling at them on their answering machine. Other times, I blocked my number and called them up while I held down the mute button and heard them get frustrated enough to hang up.

I understand how you feel and I used to be that way myself when I was in my teens. A friend I had explained in detail to me why people would stop wanting to hang out with me or would want to limit how often they hung out with me. It was because I was clingy, like you said, and also because I expected too much too soon. I would also assume that we were closer friends than we were. That led to me being offended when I wasn't treated like I thought they would treat me.

It was difficult but I had to learn to back off and act casual. I learned that clingy people can truly get on your nerves and it can cause you to distance yourself from them. I've actually done that with people myself when they have gotten to the point where they are either here all the time, want to be here all the time, or want all my attention when I'm online or call me every day. It starts getting on my nerves.

Also, I learned to sometimes turn down invitations even when I want to go somewhere. For some reason this seems to lead to more invitations. If you jump to say yes to everything, then people perceive you to be desperate and will stop inviting you. I don't know why, but I've found it to be true. I go to 80% of the things I want to go to that I'm invited to, and none of the things I don't want to go to.

Try backing off and acting more casual. Even though you will probably feel completely different than how you are acting, it's important to act that way. Eventually you will start to feel that way and it will be easier to socialize and not be so clingy and needy. Also, don't call people and yell at them when they don't invite you somewhere. That's a sure way to guarantee they will never invite you again and the people they tell about it will probably not hang out with you at all because they don't want to end up with you yelling at them. Nobody is ever obligated to invite anyone anywhere, and even though you know that, it may make them feel like you think they are when you yell at them. So, try and control that. Write them a letter and don't mail it or something, reread it the next day and see if it still seems rational.

_________________
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Thanks Olive Oil Mom:

That was quite helpful. I will remember that about invitations, thanks.

As for the situation where I called and yelled at that girl, it was 12 years ago when I was 18. I don't go so far as to do things like that anymore. At the the same time, I calmly let someone know when I have felt left out and that I was hurt.

In terms of yelling at this girl, yes I was clingy and did not read cues very well when she kept asking me to call her back in the next several minutes while not offering to call me back. She did this before that sleep over commitment for months on end but was willing to talk when it was convenient. Yes, I am sure I scared her away, at the same time, this one was not interested from day one when we first re-connected because all she did was want to talk to her other friends in front of me or stay on the phone.

Why I yelled at her? That was because she stood me up and I was resentful and tired of her games by then on top of being confused since we had just re-connected. The second reason was because she was turning 16 a week later and was having a party but had hinted to me earlier that year about being worried that I was going to disapprove of her drinking at the party under aged. I was not invited back after inviting her my get together and it made my blood boil. So, I retaliated.

yeah i get this way too..mostly tho when it comes to family members like if my mom and sister were going on a walk or to the store and didnt invite me to come along i get really upset and then i get thoughts like they dont like me cus i dont socialize like they do with each other. i socialize but its diferent the way they do they seem like they enjoy each others company more then they enjoy my company or something like that.
Also in the past this particular person was very nice to me and seemed to favor me more than my siblings and always say hi to me first and i got very attached to this person then as time went on i thought that person was getting tired and annoyed by me. Cus at that point Ive always felt like no one has ever shown special interest in me in any way(not talking romantically) then as time went on I thought this person was becoming like everyone else and start not liking me anymore and that i was becoming unspecial. And it made me really upset i had several meltdowns over it and learned it was all in my head when i told this person how i felt. I hate feeling clingy and weird becus i dont want to turn people off. But sometimes i dont even notice im doing it.

Lol.

I think too is because we seem to remember the bad experiences with had with others like with the girl and her mother who seemed to stab me emotionally like that. So when we do meet new people, we tend to latch ourselves on with the fear that we will be dumped too. This also comes hand in hand with loneliness.

We also tend to forget that these new people who we latch ourselves onto are different people and not everyone is going to be like the girl and her mother.

By the way, she did apologize to me 6 months later and want to get together after finding out that she got pregnant from sleeping around. I also discovered and that she and her mother were jerks in general and made nasty comments to cut you down. So, it was a blessing that the door closed there.

At the same time, the wounds that they left with me are still healing but I am working hard to let them go.

Other clingy situations

I went on vacation with my aunt and two of her closest friends about 9 years ago. I clung to one of those friends because she was very understanding and has a grandson with Asperger's this was after I moved from another state. I did not have the connections that I do now. Although she did not mind at first, it drove her bonkers by the end and I could see that she was unhappy. At the time though, I was not picking up on social cues very well.

I also called the girl who I had re-connected several times before we had that first falling out before that unnecessary re-connection. It drove her, and her parents batty.