Not Engaging and Constantly Interrupted

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I realized something about myself today and I wanted to know if anyone can relate. I believe I lack an interesting and engaging way of speaking, and as a result people don't want to listen to me and interrupt me constantly. I believe people find me unappealing to speak to because of what I speak about, the way that I speak, and the way that I look.

I don't mean that I get interrupted after rambling on for a while. I mean that I get interrupted before I even finish the first sentence of whatever I'm trying to say. I sit in a group with three other co-workers, and all of them do this to me. (I have spoken to all three of them about it, and one has made more of an effort not to do this.) My mother does this to me as well. Once I am interrupted, I naturally stop talking so they can go on with whatever they are saying, whether or not the person who interrupted is talking to me or to someone else. I even get interrupted when I'm trying to respond appropriately to what was said to me and focusing on the other person's topic of choice.

Additionally, I have noticed that when I'm in a group situation, I try to look at whoever is talking. However, the person that is talking rarely looks at me, they are usually making eye contact with another participant in the conversation. It's only when I'm involved in a one-on-one conversation that my efforts to make eye contact are reciprocated. I enjoy making eye contact and I'm not uncomfortable with it, but people don't seem to want to look at me.

I've noticed that this is worse when I'm tired or not feeling well, because I have even more of a muted energy to my speech and presence. Interestingly, things improve if I'm feeling good or have endorphins left over from a workout- as I speak in a more energetic and enthusiastic way.

Anyone else feel this way? Any strategies to improve this? I don't even think the people in my life realize that I care about them as much as I do.

Last edited by urbanpixie on 14 Nov 2012, 9:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I used to deal with the same problem. It seems to be common among ASD people, albeit, for different reasons.

Can you provide a short excerpt from a conversation in which you were interrupted?

are you very quiet? it sounds like they almost act as if you aren't there. it sounds very rude

Thank you both for your responses!

Luke- you said you used to deal with this? What did you do (if anything) to make this less of an issue for you? You asked for an example of a conversation where I was interrupted. I'm not sure I really remember in enough detail to describe to someone who wasn't there, but I'll pay more attention the next time in happens so I can describe it.

If I do get interrupted, I'm thinking that the best way to respond would just be to let it happen, let go of whatever I wanted to say, and try again to get into the conversation at a later point. The last thing I want to do is make someone else uncomfortable by calling attention to it (though sometimes my face gives me away).

Katzefrau- Yes, I would say I'm very quiet, though I don't mean to be. I do feel like people act as if I'm not there (unless I'm lucky enough to get a one-on-one conversation with someone). In theory their behavior is rude, but it happens to me so much in so many different situations that I have to conclude that it has something to do with my presence, or lack thereof.

Wow I thought I was the only one! People always interrupt me, even during my first sentence. Sometimes my voice is very monotone but not always! I personally don't think everything I say is boring. It's weird. Today, I was responding to something my friend said and almost immediately she cut me off... It's very insulting. I think the only way to prevent it is to say very short sentences so people don't get bored.

My problem was that I wasn't considering my audience. I had to do a better job finding things to talk about.

hm. I responded to this earlier and I don't see my response. I must have forgotten to hit "submit."

I always feel false if I rewrite something and cannot remember what I initially said verbatim. I think I have better ideas second time around though, so I guess it's good luck.

Anyway, I bet you're right and it's more to do with your body language, lack of eye contact, or something to that effect and not that you're interminably boring.

I see this dynamic occur all the time, but I do make a note of when *poof* it goes away and I become part of the group and am addressed by other people. I'm not totally sure what I'm doing right then, other than sort of eavesdropping a lot more and actively listening more to what is going on around me.

I'm thinking that they do not understand your attempts to engage with them, and are excluding you because without realizing it they already sense that you are excluded from the group, or EXCLUDING YOURSELF from the group. This scares NTs. they might even think you are brilliant, but since you're intangibly not quite like them, they will not feel comfortable unless you sort of "join their club" because acceptance is really important to them, and if they can't read you, they will worry that you are judging them. I know this because all my life I have been accused of judging people, hating people, scaring people, being intimidating, etc etc without any knowledge of coming across that way or understanding of why I would be perceived that way. Finally I figured out it was just that (obviously!) they couldn't read me. And then insecurities fill in the gaps. We speak different social languages (body language, vocal inflection, even what we expect to get out of a conversation) and so remember that if you can't make sense of them, they can't make sense of you either. In your case it might be ALL of them that you can't make sense of, but for them it's mainly just you, so you will be the one they inadvertently leave out. they aren't tasked with having to make sense of you, but you ARE tasked with having to at least attempt to make sense of them, because they will make up the majority of the people you are dealing with. You have no choice. they do, and it's too hard for them to sort out, so they just aim at what they are familiar and comfortable with.

One thing I have definitely come to realize about NTs: they respond differently than we do when insecure about how they are being perceived by people around them. Rather than do as you say, holding back out of concern of making someone feel bad or seeming impolite (we might know we're doing something wrong but we don't know what, so we try to avoid mistakes), they engage MORE with each other until they can extract a sense of approval. our making ourselves small does not help this dynamic at all (see above with the assumed judgment thing)

I hope I'm making sense.

I'm sorry if this question is too blunt, but do you tend to pause frequently whenever you speak? In the past, some NTs snapped at me for interrupting them when they were speaking. You see, when NTs pause, maybe they are just trying to translate their thoughts into words so they expect people to wait for them to finish pausing in silence, but sometimes I wrongly thought, "Hey! He/She paused! I can speak now!"

The best is when you're talking to people, and suddenly they're standing in a circle facing each other, and somehow you're outside the circle.

Been there.

Same here. Too often!

Way... way too often.
I face this problem as well.
The only time I notice that people don't exclude me is when I'm talking about something I'm passionate about.
Otherwise, I somehow always end up excluded. I have the same desire to connect and converse with others as well,
but I don't know what it is that leaves me out. I know I have confidence insecurity at times too, but I enjoy eye contact.

I often feel that when I speak, what I have to contribute wasn't of as much value as what everyone else is saying,
and get's over looked.

But for the intimidation factor, I frequently here that I intimidate people, and I have no idea why.
I try my best to be open and friendly to folks, but I wonder if it's my fear of not being accepted that's in the way..

Katzefrau, that does make sense to me about NTs. But still isn't easy. Urbanpixie, I too have this problem with engaging and being interrupted or interrupting. Depending on which side of the conversion we look at...It makes me tired, but some times, if I focus, the conversation can be successful. And after awhile people get used to our quirks...and we need to try harder...conversation is a two street. It's kinda like tennis. Just practice hitting the ball back and forth.

Thanks so much for all the great replies!

Amethyst- It's funny, but when you compared timing in a conversation to tennis, that totally clicked for me. If you don't strike the ball at the right moment, you're going to miss or hit it out of bounds. Also, a great rally in tennis has an audible rhythm, as do engaging conversations. I think I can be much more aware of timing now, if I think that way. (I don't play tennis but I enjoy watching it.)

AtypicalFox- Could it be that when you're talking about something you're passionate about, your body language and energy in a conversation change? Is that what people might be responding to? What are you passionate about? I notice that I do the same thing so I'm trying to converse in all situations the way I do when I talk about something I like.
Also, you might be right that your fear of not being accepted hinders you. If you feel uncomfortable in a conversation, I think a lot of NTs will inherently sense that, and then feel uncomfortable around you. (I know that doesn't really seem fair.) Do your conversations go better when you're more relaxed?

Icyfire- No, your question wasn't blunt at all. I think you're right that I do pause when I speak and that breaks the flow of conversation, opening the door to get interrupted. Additionally, I probably jump in too quickly when other people pause. I'm so concerned about being interrupted that I think I have to MOVE QUICKLY to get a word in.

Katzefrau- I think you made sense, thank you for the thoughtful reply. You helped me realize that if I want to get the connection I think that I deserve, I'm going to be the one that has to adapt.

I have learned so much since being on this forum. I didn't know what AS was two months ago. It really helps to have this situation explained to me in a way that makes sense so I can make improvements.

The older I get, the more being interupted bothers me. I tried to explain it to a friend of mine who sees nothing wrong with it as "When you interupt me you might as well be telling me I am not worth listening to or even being allowed to finish a sentence." I'm not a soft talker or a slow talker and I'm sure my loud and fast talking is to try and prevent interuption but it can really bring me down. I have had to fight back tears after being interupted and I get to the point where I no longer want to talk to people anymore because I feel like I am being judged on whether or not I am worthy of being interupted. People have told me interupting is just a sign of good conversation, of being excited and wantint to chime in. I don't believe that one bit.

you're welcome. usually what I always emphasize is being authentic. I don't like advice that amounts to "act more like an NT" or any kind of pretending .. but I think you can, once you start to recognize the difference between yourself and other people, start eventually to recognize also the similarities and find ways of being more "with" other people while also being your authentic self. I do think it helps to quit worrying about making social errors. Just stumble right through it and if you like yourself, especially if you like yourself in a social situation (even if it really makes no sense to you) then other people will accept you more.



It's a great resource. I was very depressed to first find out I had AS and the only thing that comforted me was reading people's posts that made sense to me when all my life nothing anyone else said had made any sense to me at all, almost. I was also relieved but I had been clinging to the idea that whatever was miswired about me could be fixed in therapy, and even though it was incredible to have explanations for certain things finally, I was not pleased at the thought that I could never fix myself. But you do learn better skills at accommodating your own special needs, and eventually, with knowledge comes peace.