Trouble Undoing the Past (2nd Grader)

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My daughter had some pretty severe behavioral difficulties in K and 1'st grade...enough to earn her a bit of a reputation and to turn other children off from choosing to play with her. However, she has worked really hard on managing herself, she has matured, and other factors have led her to much better behavior this year in 2'nd grade.

She openly tells me that everybody at school thinks she is "crazy"...and that while they don't bully her by calling her crazy as they did last year, their behaviors are reflective of the same.

Particularly, in recess free time, she tells me that when she approaches other groups to play the games they are playing (rather than desperately trying to convince them to play what she wants to play as she had done in the past), they literaly run away from her.

It is heartbreaking because she says that she spends all of recess trying to find a friend to play with. We considered having the teacher/counselor openly discuss her difficulties and triumphs with her class, but her teachers have never been receptive to the concept or similar "awareness" efforts.

Does anyone have advice on how my 8yr old daughter can get out from under her reputation for crying if she doesn't get to play what she wants, being overly focused on bugs (i.e. to the point of being called "BugGirl"), and the general sensitivities/meltdowns of her past?

The ONLY solution I have in my pocket is to consider changing schools before she goes into middle school for the sole purpose of giving her a fresh start (she reports that she only has one friend at her current school).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I think that changing schools can have a lot of benefits. We have moved our kids a few times, and it has helped them. We didn't move our youngest (who deals the most with ASD), but I still think it could have been beneficial.

If you feel like you won't be making a school shift until she's going into middle school, then I would spend the next few years working REALLY HARD on social skills. Before you ever send her to a different middle school, try really hard to help her develop special interests that will help her socially (develop a skill with music, singing, acting, art, etc.). I feel silly pushing this, because I tried to do this with my son and it never really worked or paid off -- but with our older son (who was slightly on the spectrum) he played guitar and when he moved, he got into a band with some friends, and had a wonderful time socially in that new school.

Also, it's helpful if you make sure your daughter is dressed as much like the other girls as possible -- in "cool" clothes. I don't really know what is considered the "cool" clothing for my son, but I've received lots of help by asking people who work at American Eagle, Old Navy, and other trendy stores. My older daughter has helped alot with this type of thing -- and I can tell you, having our kids dressed in attractive, appropriately fashionable clothes goes a long way to helping them socially.

So, yes, I think you're right in considering changing schools. Unfortunately, when kids are young and they make social mistakes, the other kids seem to NEVER forget this, or it takes a really long time for them to overlook things. My son is just now feeling truly comfortable in high school, and he's a junior. I fully expect that he will have a better time of it in college, where people seem to give others the benefit of the doubt.

As the poster above said, you're going to need to take action now in order to socialise her, or these problems will only continue when you change schools, and it's likely even a new batch of kids are going to notice that she's "different". You need to address her difficulties before they become lifelong habits.

Is it a guarantee of success? No.

Should you ensure that you've tried any other reasonable options first? Yes.

But is it better than doing nothing? ABSOLUTELY.

I went to the same elementary school for 9 years, and then graduated to the same high school as all of my classmates. So, I was going to school with the same people the entire time. It never seemed to matter how much I changed - even though I know I improved my behaviours, and started to get to know some kids, there was still nobody that I could, in all honesty, really consider a friend. Even in high school, because the kids that had been with me through elementary school were everywhere, it was still tough to get away from it. I finally got away from my past when I went to university, with only one person from my high school attending the same university as me. I started building friendships quickly, and had my first friends within a couple weeks. I had my first real close friend within a couple of months. By the end of that first year, I had a large circle of about a dozen friends, and now I've had so many over my time at university that I've lost count.

It may not be a magic cure-all, and you shouldn't expect it to be. There most likely will still be at least some issues, but hopefully they will be much smaller ones. And, looking back at my own experience, it doesn't necessarily happen right away - however being that your daughter is only in the 2nd grade could help speed things up - there hasn't been enough time yet for the gap in social skills to widen in the same way that it did for me (which was why it was a gradual process for me - the others around me had years of social experience that I didn't have).

It may not work at all too, but from what you've said, I doubt that it would make things any worse - that alone makes it worth trying. One of the big regrets from my childhood is that, as a result of never moving as a kid, I never had any opportunity like that to start over.