Planning some kind of "intervention", experience?

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So, I have this one friend who, since his last long time girlfriend has broken up with him, is just having a serious case of the blues. Like SERIOUS. It has been almost 2 years now, and me and my buddies think that he is more and more losing it. He is 28 years old, he has got a decent job, he's doing well in this regard, but man, he talks like he is friggin' 50, saying stuff like "I'm through with women!", s**t like that. He went as far as to just "satisfy his urges", as he'd put it, with prostitutes (after all, he's got the money now), but other than that, he's just haging around his appartment doing... well, not so much. We all had a talk about it with him already, but the other day, I had a really, really long talk (about 3 hours) with him about what's going on with him, and after that, I think I'm just sick of his whining. Basically, it boils down to:

He's got low self-esteem, and to be frank, he isn't much to look at, he is a short guy, has recently put on some weight, and he is rather unreliable and has always been very, very self-centerted, he thinks all women are shallow and only go for tall, good-looking guys, you know, the usual stuff. Now, here's the cruncher, and the main reason why I really only want to try to set him straight one last time: He only wants a really hot woman. To be fair, not only for sex, but for the usual family thing, but this is of utmost importance for him, or to put it in his words, he only wants "To do the best with the best"; alas, since he cannot have that, he just wants to be alone. He went on to ramble about having some kind of psychologial issues for quite a while (but of course, didn't want to say which), and that if it wasn't for his mother, he wouldn't live anymore, but he is carrying this weight for her, and blahblablah. He went deeper into some of this stuff, but it boils down to: He is a butt-hurt, self-centered child with double standards, that thinks he is the only person in the whole world with issues and "deserves better", but all the "hot girls" date "douchebags", and "nice guys" like him don't stand a chance. Boo-f-ing-hoo!
Don't get me wrong, I told him that he does indeed have positive qualities, that he should cater to them in his search for happyness with a woman, and I tried to build him up, though with tough love. But, you know, me and my buddies are just plain sick of it that he thinks that these things are problems mutually exclusive to his person, and he just needs to get a hold of himself, get his s**t together and just quit his godforsaken bitching. His ego is hurt because he has been, as it seems, hurt a couple of times in the past. Again, breaks my f-in heart.

So, I decided to round up my "gang" when everyone is on town around christmas to make some kind of "intervention"... more or less. I just want everybody to sit down with him, so everyone could tell him his or her point of view. I, for one, don't want to invest into a friendship that is just one-sided in this regard with someone who thinks his own problems are more important and much, much worse than those of others, when it fact, he has just an inflated ego that has been scratched. He said that he is again seeking the help of a therapist, so whatever his mysterious "problem" ist, he gets that taken care of. I, for one, want to get closure for this, because either he nuts up or shuts up.

Has anyone any kind of experience with this "intervention" thing that you could share? I am also grateful for any insight on the situation itself.

Sounds like he could be depressed.



I'm not sure how helpful this would be. But maybe if it's done in a positive, receptive way, it might work. There's a strong possibility he may feel ganged up on though.


Perhaps you should tell him this by yourself; it may be easier to hear from just one person, rather than all his friends. Sounds like you're a good friend to try and save the friendship when you aren't getting anything out of it.

Thank you for your insight. As for the depression part, yes, I do entertain the view that this might be the case, as he said he has problems with crowds and going out and all that... might be something different, but he said he's seeing a therapist about it, so that's out of my league.

I have talked about what my issue is with him during our conversation, that I have very little tolerance for that. Thing is, I've talked with my buds, and at one point, every single one of them had a similar talk with him... to no avail, as it seems.

Yes, I do fear that it seems like a gang-up on him if we all talk to him at once. I will try not to make it look like that, and we will try to sit around a round table to do that. As it seems, he needs to be shown that there is repercussions if he doesn't at least try to sit down and consider changing his ways. We have offered him help, I, for example, have told him numerous times that if he wants to work out with me (he expressed the wish), he is welcome to join me, and we do train some MA together... if he doesn't feel like calling it off, or comes an hour late. It does feel alot like depression.
For me, and at least on of my friends, it is something we want to do to get some closure on this... because, if he doesn't manage to get his stuff together again, it'll sooner or later become harmful for us all if we stuck to that friendship. We are very willing to help and go out of our ways to help him, but I, at least, expect something in return: That he tries to make a change. Otherwise, it'll become a very one-sided friendship where one keeps giving and the other just takes... and I've had enough of that during my teens, and I can't be bothered with these things anymore. I want to help him, we all do, but if he has given himself up, there's no point in trying anymore. And this is what we want to find out, if he is really at a point where he doesn't give a s**t anymore of if he just wants attention... and help.

It is typical (from my experience) to be pulled into the vortex of someone else's depression (if he is, indeed, depressed.) I've had bouts of serious depression and my friends have distanced themselves from me. Can't blame them though, there's not much other people can do for you when you're in that state.
I hope your friend is getting the help that he needs with therapy. He's lucky to have people who care so much about him.