Looking away, and saying something irrelevant

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A girl who hangs out in the dorms next to mine (my dormitory is co-ed) asked me why she never saw me in the dorms (or maybe she asked why I was in my room all them time, I can't remember; these needn't be too important here, I should think), after I was introduced to someone who also hangs out at our dorm (male).

I thought it was somewhat inappropriate that she asked me that after I was introduced to this person (the introduction was rather inelaborate and involved just me and the other person). Questions about someone's personal habits during an introduction doesn't seem like it would be a part of any legitimate etiquette course.

Furthermore, when she asked me, I responded that I usually am at the library or taking classes. But as I was completing my reply, which wasn't one that was either grammatically incorrect or stuttering, she looked away. At that moment I recognized (because this is something I've learned to do in recent months) that she wasn't interested in what I was saying. So what did I do? I made a full stop and glanced away (with no particular expression). Then she instantly said something about the flashing lights in the dorms building (we were all gathered outside because someone set off the fire alarms*) being out of sync.

I considered that rude. (Is that rude, or am I overly sensitive? Should be worried about someone's rudeness if I am an Aspie? If I am worried about rudeness, does that mean I'm not an undiagnosed Aspie?)

I considered that her reaction to my response to her question was either of two intents:

1. The flashing lights in the dorms building were more important than my answer to her question
2. Her question was in fact a statement phrased as a question. If that is the case, the intent may be unknown to me.

And then as I began to type this post I thought of a third "intent": that she is an Aspie. Yet, she seems to get along with others well socially.

Please vote, and respond if you like.

* At the time, we didn't know whether it was a real fire. Prior to the time, the alarms had gone off with little major reason behind it other than drills. Sometimes they would go off by accident. (Too many times, when it's while you're fast asleep.) I went in and asked, because I am curious about what's going on around me. They said they couldn't tell me if it was a real fire. (But I had a hunch they were lying). So in this instance, the fire turned out to be real. (My hunch was correct.) But, due to the past false alarms, some people didn't even leave their dorms to go outside, it was apparent! So what I'm trying to say here in this subtext is that there should not have overly much worry over the fire by this girl that would cause her to be concerned about a fire to the extent that she would be alarmedly thinking of the lights on the alarms, because most if not all of the times previous the fire alarm went off, there was no real fire to be alarmed about.

Last edited by hyperbolic on 12 Jan 2007, 8:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I'd say she was just distracted and had no intent on being rude.

Did she ask you to repeat yourself after the commotion had died down? if not then I'd say she had forgotten, which I would then say is rude.

No.

Maybe she did forget her own question. However, due to her facial expression and ensuing remark about the lights, it wasn't clear that she even heard or cared to listen to my reply.

I've noticed that what an N.T. will say to you when alone may vary if there is another person present, and the reaction may get even more complicated depending upon the third person's sex. That is, if a male and female are talking, and then another female joins them. Or if another male joins two females, etc. Then you can get into all kinds of mating rituals, or showings of one-upmanship, that have nothing to to do with the original conversation.

Do you think it is possible that this female said this remark in order to put me in some sort of sexual rank in the gathered group? If so, this would seem inappropriate for normal social conversation. (Or, again, maybe I am just too sensitive.)

You're way too sensitive. Neither her statement nor her question were inappropriate.

What should I say or do if someone asks me a question and does not appear to be listening to my response? If I continue responding to someone who is visibly not listening, I feel that I am being foolish. Perhaps I needn't feel that way. Should I simply say something like, "hello?!?" or step directly in front of where they are looking, or would that be too over the top?

She wasn't listening. She just sucked at faking it.

I usually can read a person well when they aren't listening. I know they make eye contact, I know how the crap works, so when they aren't looking around they most likely aren't listening.

Now, yes, there is a chance she was interested in the flashing lights and possible pretty sounds, but she never asked you to repeat yourself so she didn't care all that much.

If she didn't care about such a basic response, then I wonder what further difficulty I will have trying to relate to her.

Without the knowledge that what I say is being taken into account by this person, I don't know that I could continue to say anything to her that is of a nature more substantive than flashing lights. It would be pointless, and I tend to not to say pointless things unless it is on purpose (being facetious, for example, or joking, for another example). It was either a statement or a question, and since it was a question about my personal habits I wanted to respond definitively rather than dismiss it and leave lingering doubt about the question.

If you feel they are not listening, then just give a short answer. Wrap it up as quickly as possible. Especially for someone you don't really know and a question like that, you shouldn't go to in depth. She asks "why haven't I seen you in the dorms?" you say "I'm pretty busy." If she looks interested then you can explain if you want.

I wouldn't confront them about not listening unless you are telling them something important like how to do an assignment. Then I'd just wave my hand if front of their face and say "hello?" or "earth to ___".

Oh, I totally 100% understand everything you're saying - everything.