Attachment Proportional to Keeping Interest

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I'm wondering if anyone else has this issue, and how to address it among my friends, without sounding like an ice queen. Basically, my level of attachment is directly proportional to the other person's ability to keep my interest on a mental level. If they can't keep up some measure of intellectual conversation or think of interesting things to say over a period of about a month, I become completely detached. There are a couple of exceptions with two friends I've known since childhood, but it happens with family members too, and no one really understands how it's possible. People I bend over backwards to support when they are in times of need (or repeatedly make fools of themselves during drunken binges), get bent if I drift off due to this boring me. If I try to explain they're taking advantage of what good nature I do have, they may apologize, but not really mean it. So, I get bored with that. Any suggestions or anyone at least able to relate? I realize it almost seems like two separate issues, because it encompasses the same people demonstrating these behaviors.

(edited for misspelling)

I’m absolutely able to relate. Before I was diagnosed AS I just thought I was a total b*tch for not being able to handle “stupid” people. Now I’m by no means perfect (or an intellectual genius) but I’m not a nasty/mean person in the NT sense – most of the time I would go out of my way to accommodate anyone, especially if they need help with something etc…but after a while, if they don’t have anything that interests me or keeps me going, then I just don’t *care*. From reading your post that sounds like your sense of “detachment”.

I also have the problem of “out of sight, out of mind”, which means that if I don’t see someone I know that they exist but I can’t bridge the gap to retain a connection with them. I keep trying to explain this to people and I say things like I have “forgotten about people”, but I have an amazing memory and never really forget anyone. It’s just that even if I think about someone I don’t do anything about it… Not sure if that is something else entirely but it sort of ties with detachment I suppose. I can think about someone having been in my life, mostly as an acquaintance as opposed to a real friend, however there is no energy to move forward and make an effort.

Can’t say I really explained that very well, but it is an interesting feeling to have. Kind of like being able to speak but having no reason to…??

What you can do about it – I have no idea! I suppose it’s just a case of either finding people that you have more in common with, or adjusting your mentality to accepting that some people are boring or drunk idiots and that if you want to spend time with them then you deal with it. I also explain to people up front that I’m not good at replying to text messages and emails all the time and as long as they don’t expect it from me, then they can’t be disappointed when I don’t stay in touch on a regular basis. Doesn’t mean you can’t pop up out of the blue 3 months down the track to say hello. They either think you are weird and they get over it or they think you’re weird and you move on.

Sorry that got a bit long!

Yes, I know exactly what you mean, as those two situations are the way I tend to operate as well. Uncaring at its most basic level, not going out of my way to be mean, just not caring. And secondarily, if I don't encounter you on a daily basis, I don't really wonder or worry about you. It's almost as though, those people become abstract concepts.

I have been investigating "Theory of Mind" recently; I like to take each aspect of how Asperger's affects me and break it down so that I understand what my brain is doing (or NOT doing) e.g. Emotional Intelligence, Executive function/processing etc etc.

Theory of Mind seems to relate best to what we are talking about, with people becoming "abstract concepts". I read on a blog somewhere that there was someone who couldn't comprehend at ALL that if someone wasn't right in front of them talking to them right then, then they couldn't possibly exist outside of that "sphere" - that no one at all lives a life/has a family, job etc unless you can actually see them/interact with them right there and then... I'm certainly glad it doesn't affect me quite that much!!

Suppose it's like brushing your teeth or eating broccoli though - you don't see the need to do it, and it takes effort... but if you start MAKING yourself do it more and more then it becomes part of everyday life. Part of the "routine"?? I don't know if it works that way because it seems like it takes a real conscious effort for me to push outside of myself and communicate or think about people that aren't around. It doesn't happen automatically...maybe it never will? But if you know that it is a problem at least you can write a post-it note to yourself that reminds you to do something, like text someone or visit someone or say hello in the hallway.

I feel pretty proud of myself when I actually text someone out of the blue to say hello. They are surprised too I think, but they say they appreciate it which is nice! I think that well beyond the capacity for "small talk" and being bored by people that have nothing "interesting" to say - this is the MAJOR factor in why I don't have friends. I just lack that drive that has other girls talking incessantly with their friends on the phone or via emails/texts, or incapable of visiting the toilet without another girl present, etc etc etc...! ! All those things I don't understand about other women.... ha ha ha