Annoying, clingy-as-hell friends

Post Reply New Topic

I have this friend who gets on my damn nerves. We met via Facebook and didn't take long to meet in person, and since he and I go to the same college, it's kind of hard not to drift away from each other.

Still, ever since I met him, he has rubbed me the wrong way. He honestly thought he was in love with me, that I was "the one," despite having known me for a few days, if that. I've had to reject him several times before he stopped coming on to me, and he still has a crush on me, only now he's accepted that I'll never like him that way. He is the last person in the world I'd want to go out with.

Despite acknowledging that he and I are never going to happen, he thinks of me as his best friend, which is pretty sad considering I don't even care about him that much. I sometimes feel like I have to babysit him, because he's bipolar and has various psychological and personal issues to boot. He texts me every damn day incessantly and apparently feels the need to comment on every single damn one of my status updates on Facebook, sometimes saying stuff that is hardly relevant to what I'd posted. It's no wonder he rubs a lot of people the wrong way. To almost everybody I've talked to who knows or knew him, he came off to them as clingy and stalkerish, which is exactly how he comes off to me.

Does anybody have or has had situations like this? How do/did you deal with them?

set firm guidelines as to what you consider to be an appropriate amount of contact. "i'd feel more comfortable if you wouldn't call me more than twice per day except in an emergency," is an example.

I would agree with the suggestion to set appropriate limits. As well, you should point out his behavior in terms of how he makes you and others feel, as well as potential consequences. For example: "When you text me every day, I feel annoyed. If you keep doing this, I'm not going to want to talk to you at all".

Also, be firm in establishing your intentions with him. State that you just want to be friends with him, and if he wants anything more than that, you aren't going to put up with his advances.

I'm assuming you're female: this kind of behavior can be typical of guys your age, so be on the lookout for it. Not all guys are like this, but sometimes when two people of the opposite sex start a friendship and the guy starts acting like this, this should be your warnings in to stay away or at least be very cautious. Often, when a guy is really attracted to a you, it's hard to get him to just like you as a friend.

I'm a man, and the friend I'm talking about is also a man - we're both gay men.

Yeah, I think I'm going to just selectively respond to his texts. Maybe he'll get the picture and stop texting me so much.

I doubt it, it sounds like he's an aspie too, but not as well adjusted as you.

It's your choice to be friends with him or not, but you need to be up front with him. If you don't want to be friends with him, cut it all the way off.

Passive aggressive means such as selectively ignoring text messages may not work on him. Directness usually will.

That said, it sounds like he's an aspie too. Have you tried to talk to him about what he's doing and why it's alienating people? It is possible he honestly may not understand what he's doing is wrong.

It sounds like your a pretty well adjusted person, I kind of feel that the right thing to do would be to lay out what he's doing and why it's alienating people.

You don't have to stay friends with him.

I don't know if he's an aspie or not. He's had a lot of s**t happen to him in his life and I pity him for that. He really admires me, so that's why I don't want to be too hard on him.

He knows that he comes off strongly to people and that's why people feel repelled by him. I've explained that to him already. He just can't seem to help himself.

Pity- if there is anything I hate feeling for people or having anyone feel for me, it is this feeling. If you can't treat this guy the same way you would treat the other friends and it sounds like he is emotionally draining, maybe find the best possible solution to cut ties with him.

I agree with the ones who recommend setting firm limits. Gently but clearly if you can, if that doesn't work then more aggressively. But if he's a repeat offender as it sounds, you may want to consider dropping him.

I had something kind of similar happen earlier this year. On a local Asperger forum, I got a PM out of the blue from this woman. She seemed nice, so we got to keeping in touch by texts and the occasional phone call. But she got incredibly clingy, texting lots and lots every day, and our exchanges never got beyond the superficial and banal. We talked about meeting up IRL but it never quite came to be.

What really exhausted my patience was how I got shouted at angrily when I thought it was clearly undeserved. The first time was when we were on the phone and discussing meeting up. She had previously mentioned having chronic physical illnesses, so I thought I'd be considerate and ask "so you're OK with walking 1.3 km from the station?" This set her off something fierce, and while I eventually got the point across that I was just trying to be considerate, she never came close to apologising. The second time was when she texted, "Will you promise we'll always be friends? I've lost so many." I cautiously replied "we don't know each other that well, it might be a bit premature to make such a promise," and that set her off too.

After that I just kind of stopped replying to her texts, but eventually she texted me again asking "hey, what's up?" as if nothing had happened. I told her I didn't think things were going to work out, and the reasons why. After that we haven't been in touch.

In retrospect it does seem like she was looking for a bit more than friendship. I'd decided pretty early on I'd never be interested in her that way, but it never came up as an explicit subject, so it didn't occur to me she was looking for a relationship... but thinking about it afterwards, I think she'd made several attempts to come on to me (without even meeting me IRL). She'd also said things like "I'm having problems with my boyfriend" which taken together with the rest probably meant she was hoping I'd come riding in as a knight in shining armour.

I felt kind of bad dropping her since she seemed to be very lonely, but I don't think there was any other reasonable decision. While misunderstandings will easily happen with AS (after all, I have it myself, so I know quite well), getting chewed out for what I thought were quite transparently attempts to be considerate is not something I need, and we clearly weren't compatible in any way, shape or form.

I think im clingy and stalkerish. Im not aggressive with it tho. My main drive is that i always feel im misunderstood, so constantly sending follow up msgs to make sure i wasnt taken wrong. This results in spam msgs, as i add things to the follow up.

The problem from my perspective, is that due to my own personal problems, im used to being overlooked. As soon as a bit of interest comes my way, my focus comes completely onto it and i milk it to death. Resulting in smothered new interest, and a lot of blocking and closed doors.

Sadly for me at least, i learnt the hard way to try and go slow with new ppl no matter how excited i am about wanting to talk to them again. I still make alot of mistakes tho.

My advice is to consider if you would be happier NOT talking to this person, and then make it really really clear that you feel uncomfortable talking to them as you feel they have been very pushy and you feel a little smothered. If they care enough they will back off. If they dont, you will have to block them unfortunatly - and all the above advice is relevant in this area too.

(just to clarify - im not the OP's stalker!)
(pls note - the above section in brackets would have been a second message)

me!

Sadly I'm a stalker clingy person. It does take me a while to catch on what I'm doing. I'm trying to bigger my circle of friends not to be in the other person's space all the time.

Yes, I had the exact same problem. I'm going to tell you exactly what my therapist told me, as well as other psychologists I've talked to. You have to cut him off completely. He has a very unhealthy obsession with you that's only going to get worse. Block his number, block him from facebook, basically just completely ignore him.

He sounds like a clingy wanna be lover, not a clingy friend. I doubt that he will settle for friendship alone.

You might want to set him up with groups where he can meet more people—clubs for people with similar interests or issues. If he knows more people, perhaps he will cling to you less.