Having friends is hard

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I've been under a lot of stress for these past couple of days. My brother has been on my back about signing contracts, and long story short I've had such severe stress from it I had a seizure, and I've been crying for about three days.

I have a depressive disorder. Hormone imbalance really. It's called PMDD. I don't have as much emotional control. I get into heated arguments and don't hold any feelings back. I have meltdowns and have such crippling depression it turns to suicidal ideation.

Last night after I interpreted someone say something literally and used the word 'harassing' in a light-hearted manner my friend exploded at me. I was so shocked I couldn't even focus on her words or understand what they meant. There was no processing.

Then her friends trolled me severely. One even said something sarcastic about being autistic and being a mass murderer. I thought they were autistic and being sarcastic but they weren't. I was shocked people actually talked that way.

I deleted my friend from my Facebook and messaged my other friend saying I had terminated my friendship with this person. I was planning to do it for months and I'm glad I did.

Now the friend I messaged said something about suicide being 'weak' and 'selfish.' Then they had a go at me for always having to argue when someone has a difference of opinion. This person knows I have autism/ADHD/ODD/PMDD which affects how I communicate with people. Autism makes me interpret things differently, ADHD makes me miss details, ODD makes me always argue the opposite and PMDD makes me instantly angry or depressed. I'm not exactly thinking clearly. But she's still blaming me.

This is hard. Too hard for me. I keep finding articles about autistic people having the potential to be killers and it makes me angry and scared. And I'm angry too because for four years I have worked on my social skills, developed more and more empathy and awareness about the behaviour of others, yet I still get it wrong. I still have people getting angry at me. I can also mimic NT quite well. Well, as an impulsive I don't memorise things or plan about what I say I just act in the moment. But I can do small talk and give the right reactions. And I'm angry because of all that trying so hard to please NTs they don't do the same to me.

This friend is usually supportive too. I don't know if I will cut ties too. I'll let things cool, but, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to please NTs. From now on I'm doing what I like. I don't care if it makes them uncomfortable.

Pensieve, you need to do what feels right for you. Perhaps if keeping your distance and blocking people for a short time at least, helps you emotionally, then considering how these people have reacted I would say it is ok. Bear in mind that people, ALL people, are human and we all make mistakes, whether we are on the spectrum or not. I am 45 yrs old and I still make heaps of mistakes and have 2 adult children who refuse to talk to me. All I can do is wait for them to talk to me again if they so choose. I can never take back what I say or do, which of course is a huge problem when you act impulsively as I do, particularly when we have so much trouble interpreting and processing communication from others. Most people do not understand me and I thank God that I have finally found a partner who does, or at least still loves and accepts me even in my most incoherent moments. But despite all my efforts to work on myself, I am human and will never be perfect and will never be able to act like the 'typical NT' coz I am just not wired that way and all I can do is practice, practice, practice and find support where I can.

Ironically, my partner accepts me more than my family and she is infinitely patient with me. Before we met a year ago, I honestly felt that I was not meant to have any friends in this world, let alone a partner, and the isolation was killing me inside. I still feel isolated and the world hasn't suddenly become paradise, but having someone to discuss these sorts of situations and help me 'untangle' what happened to see each of our part in a given situation, helps. For me personally, I find I have to work really hard not to isolate myself from others. I go through stages of being around people too much and becoming burnt out to locking myself up in the house and not going anywhere for weeks or months. When that happens the depression kicks in big time, the craving for alcohol gets worse and I have nil motivation. Subsequently I think it is important to at least try and stay in contact with at least one person, the one least likely to 'set you off' would be helpful.

Sorry for the essay. I have only just joined WP and finding people who actually think, talk and act like me is going to my head somewhat All the above is what helps me navigate the world I live in, so it may not necessarily be the same for you of course. Do what feels right for you to keep you safe.

Maz