No friends or semi-friends, 20 to 50 years trying?

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This is probably kind of depressing but I didn't mean to make anyone feel hopeless. Yet it might touch someone here who's in my position.

At age 14 I deliberately began schooling myself in social skills. Taking every class and every opportunity to dress properly, do fashionable hair and make up, walked for miles using a gait I copied from various regular people instead my give-away Aspie shumble.

I taught myself to speak in clear, pleasant modulated and appropriate tones by copying news reporters and spent years learning body language and facial expressions.

I jumped into the fire for several years by taking only telemarketing, door to door charity, face to face sales, and customer service jobs. After around 5 years I actually excelled in these and do possess what would pass as superb social skills. People have told me this over many subsequent years.

But it's a fake! All fake! A near-perfect act I put on which is exhausting to keep up without some blunder till I invent a reason to disappear for a lil while or just go home.

25 years of working in about a dozen different fields, with six degrees: I have never once gotten a raise, a compliment, a promotion, or even team-leader on any kind of projects. I've been fired without notice, no reason given, from most of these jobs, though I simply had to walk away from a few due to the rising hostile environment.

33 years of actively joining social groups, starting social groups, going out of my way to meet friends, posting ads, following through, starting conversations with friends-of-family or co-workers: "Hi, can I eat my lunch here with you?" -- "Uhhhh sorry, someone's already sitting here... and here... and we were actually just gonna go out, alone."

To all my family I am a pariah. Even my younger sister who I grew up with says she can't trust to leave me alone with her "precious children" who are, by the way, 13, 10, and 8 years old. Not babies!
My 16 year old daughter suddenly ran away, and refuses to speak or even email me in any way. No one knows why; but everyone else has been invited to her Christmas gathering except guess-who. The only thing anyone's ever been able to find out about that is that she mumbles "I feel uncomfortable with her." No specific reason to cut me off, even deleting me from Facebook (though she does accept my gifts, but doesn't acknowledge she's either received them nor says 'thanks').

I recently found out that my only Aunt, whom I've always loved and admired, has been secretly telling my Mom that if I am invited to any family gathering, then >she< will refuse to go. I did not know this! We've never had a serious discussion let alone an argument! I was forbidden to have her phone number to ask her, and I was also forbidden to have my grown cousin's phone number when he suddenly lost his young wife. I only wanted to send him my deepest condolences but was told in a mysterious way that he didn't wish to speak to me. I had no idea! I hadn't seen him in years!

Every single man I meet, who I tell upfront I am only interested in being friends, eagerly says he understands, but then repeats himself like a tape-recording: "You're beautiful. No, I mean you're really hot. I can't keep from looking at you. You're SOOOOO HOT!! !" It is so ridiculous that even completely disabled wheelchair bound men without any legs in their 70's repeatedly beg and attempt to negotiate to have sex.

That's my world: I only have two friend-ish people in the world after decades of trying everything possible. If I feel like I need to talk to someone, I have no choice but to call an anonymous Crisis Line.... who suggest that I go and join clubs, involve myself in hobbies, and not be afraid to approach people to chat: YEAH RIGHT, genius!

I think I've exhausted all options and I am weary of rejection, or sex-fiends (who, of course, still reject you as a human being). Ugly harsh voices in my mind keep repeating, "You were a mistake to be born. You should leave. Leave and never come back. Everyone will be better off without you. Your very presence is poisonous, whether you do anything or not. You are a mistake of nature, and should not have been born..." etc. etc.

If this strikes a deep chord with anyone, please reply and tell me your story and how you've tried, for how long, and whether you've either succeeded or failed.

Yay a survey! I love surveys. I do have a question though; does my wife and family count as friends, or should I consider them exempt for this survey? I also have many friends on Facebook but I NEVER actually socialize with them in real life; do they count?

As for your story, I can totally relate. Between the age of 7-10, girls 2-4 years older than me were also trying to "date" me; I still don't know why, and around 11 is when the bullying started. After a few miserable years and totally friendless, I learned to take a low profile, not assault people with monologues, and act like I was listening more.

I got through high school "okay". i wanted to date but never did till i got married later. Aside from my wife, it didn't seem like people were interested in me until I reached my mid 30's. then it was like all my weird goofiness that had made me so unpopular before had suddenly made me that "cool older guy", but it was still all a performance which though very enjoyable in one way, was very draining in another.

Having changed jobs this year, I vowed to not give in to performing in my new work setting and be more myself. I'm pretty quiet most of the time and if someone does happen to engage me, I'm like TADA!! for 20 seconds and then I'm quiet again. It's all sort of a work in progress, and I don't have any friends that I spend time with. I'm kind of lonely, but I'm not sure i really want any either. After all, people are a lot of work!

I forgot to mention that I also can't seem to get a promotion. I can crawl towards the top but there's always this invisible barrier I can't seem to cross without falling to the ground again. Oh well, apparently a performance only gets one so far.

I've read your entire post and can sympathize with your current social situation, you've done quite a bit more "living" then I've ever done. I read your post and I can't help feel that you've done a lot of good things that I could never do comfortably and I envy that a bit. It seems everyone, even people like us need the universal feeling of love and the more the merrier. I doubt I could give you any good advice that you haven't heard before but I've found that in order to have friends you have to be a friend. Not saying you're hostile or anything, But take me for example, I have the same problem.

I consider myself to be a very good person in real life, If I am comfortable enough around a person I can usually make a nice enough conversation but turns out I have a bit of a rigid "aura", Like I'm coiled up and tightly wound. It makes me unapproachable as a friend or possible relationship. People tend to feel awkward or uneasy around me and it affects my relationships with people at least until they get to know me and realize I'm not Slender Man faceless, emotionless, tall and daunting.

I've found the best way (for me) to diffuse this pressure or whatever they feel around me is to ask questions about them and what not that I genuinely want to hear about and actually listen; Which is not a problem for me, I'd have to listen even if I don't want to. If you appear warm and welcoming to them or make them feel good about themselves they'll want to be around you (Be a friend to have friends) Maybe you are displaying something to these people that makes them uneasy, maybe because of how well your mask is created they can't see the human side to you and it scares them a little. Only you would know for sure.

Don't know if I helped, I'm approaching this mostly from a theoretical knowledge as I've recently lost my only friend and now have none. Luckily for me it doesn't bother me as much. I've tried talking to people online, mostly here.. (Chat is horrible..) But I've found I don't really like some of the people here at all.

I guess I forgot to put down an "immediate family" option, but now I cant change the poll to "Only immediate family or pets." Just click "pets" and add "plus my family" as a comment maybe?

Sort of. Depends on what you mean by "friends." I have people I talk to on a regular basis, share things, and hang out. Forming a genuine connection with another human being is still nearly impossible, though.

An aspie I know put it this way: you have A (bff's), B (good friends), C (casual friends), and D (acquaintances). I have at least a few C's most times, but only rarely a B (maybe twice in my entire life), and I don't think A is even possible.

I do sometimes do dumb social things that offend people. But based on the other awful, embarrassing things people have told me about what I do, I am fairly confident it isn't that often. I have been told my "creepy" voice is a barrier but that my lack of openness is the biggest barrier. Also the way I make eye-contact supposedly makes people uncomfortable because it's "passive eye contact" (basically, since I have autism, I don't make natural eye contact, but my parents forced me to learn the habit, so what I make is unnatural, forced eye contact, which comes across as passive). I am, apparently, "hard to get to know." Having a nice smile makes people more forgiving, I think.

I guess I'm just lucky that people tell me stuff. But it's not like I can easily do anything about it (besides maybe the voice). I'm not sure I am psychologically capable of having an A-level friend, or that I would even want to. And I'm pretty sure I could only develop B-level friendships with either someone I'm dating or another aspie.

By some people's definition, I have no friends, and don't want them. Fortunately, in the professional world, you don't need to be very close to people to have a relationship adequate to sustain your career. Just being an acquaintance can be enough for networking, I've found.

Kewl. Will do.


Plus my family.

Hey I like the ABCD thing. E is for enemy right!

This is the first time I hear of someone with my same problem. No one has anything against me, there are no quarrels, I don't do any harm, but everyone knows they don't want anything to do with me, and that it's total and that it's final and that it's forever. I have no contact with any family and no friends, in spite of humongous efforts during all my life.

I'm Customer Service, and never been promoted or anywhere close to it. Almost always fired for no clear reason or driven away by bullying and hostility from everyone, without anyone actually saying what they have against me.

I chose not to have children because I was completely sure that my children would estrange themselves from me same as every human being has done all my life, but that it'd be worse because with them being my children, I'd be willing to endure from them what I've been lucky to be able to flee from others, such as my violent ex husband, from whom I could just walk away.

I started off in life adoring all humans. I gave my all to humans, including helping raise my sister's kids, whom she later cut off from me without an explanation. I got dumped or exploited till I said enough by every single human I ever came close to.

Nowadays, if it's human, then I don't invest in it an iota. I devote my life to abandoned, unwanted, barely surviving stray cats. They're my family, my children, my soul-mates. I spend my social time with them, in the dark alley. I took the 3 neediest ones off the street and they're my reason for still being in this world.

I want nothing to do with anything human anymore, and it's total, it's final and it's forever.

The same story for me except for the marriage and kids part. And, that I've never had significant contact with extended family, but they always treated me like a leper at the family reunions when I was a kid, so I doubt I'd have positive relations with them now if I did have contact with them. No friends, and the closest I ever got was people who tolerated my presence in school, but vanished when school was over.

The same exhaustion from putting on an act (though it wasn't an excellent act)... I feel like I've spent all the good will that I had. And it's weird when you get treated well when you're being fake and always treated like crap when you're being yourself. What a mindf**k. The never-ending message seems to be "who you really are as a human being sucks." And trying too fake it too hard for too long seems to have trashed my health.

When I was 14 I was suicidal, but managed to stave it off by promising myself that if life was still sh** when I was 40 I'd shoot myself then. So, now I'm 44. If, at 14, I could've seen how my life would be as it is now I would've jumped up and run screaming into the nearest highway traffic. But, I find that as long as I'm doped up on antidepressants, and have a cat and an internet connection, that I'm not miserable, even though I know it's not likely to get better than this.

The silent rejection you have experienced over and over really saddens me. It seems that being rejected when you thought you were getting along just fine is worse than when you can at least find some reason for it. Not being able to find a reason why people are rejecting you means you have no way of fixing the problem.

From your initial post in this thread, you sound like a person who gets a sense of stability in being able to overcome your fears and become competent at things most people would just back away from. I suppose that can be intimidating to some people, but, alone, it wouldn't explain the sort of rejection you have experienced.

Were you implying in your post that you think your artificially learned social skills may be putting people off? I suppose if a person puts up a false persona in order to fit in socially, it might work with casual acquaintances, but it seems plausible that it would feel awkwardly artificial to anyone you tried to be close to.

If you do come across as artificial to anyone but a casual acquaintance, then maybe the strangely passive rejection you have been experiencing could make sense.

Do you think it might be useful to teach yourself to be openly yourself? Who are you when no one else is around? Could you be that person around someone else? It would mean risking being vulnerable.

Obviously your situation is more complex than this and I'm not sure I understood it properly. Anyway, those are my thoughts.

I really hope you can find the solution to this. It sounds terribly lonely.

Good luck.