Comm. issues in marriage as a result of possible Asp.?

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Throughout my whole life I have felt different. I've always felt misunderstood. I've always been lost in a lot of social areas, especially as a child. Through my musical identity as a young teenager, a lot of my social problems subsided, or at least became less noticeable to people that I needed to have superficial working relationships with. But, in a lot of ways hurt it too. I always thought I was just obsessive, which might be true.

Growing up I would latch onto something and obsess on it. One particular obsession that carried over into adulthood is my obsession with watches and time. As a young child I wanted nothing else but to have an endless supply of watches that I could take apart and put back together. I wore them like a badge of honor and still, to this day, obsess over watches.

Skip ahead to my teenage years, and music became my obsession that eventually became my career. As a result I have worked on some very large scale Hollywood films in a musical fashion, and my "obsessive" traits work out for the best for me.

But, they've also in some form or fashion ruined almost every single close relationship I have ever had(friendly or romantic), whether I want to admit to it, or not.

From young childhood to adulthood, I suffered from extreme anxiety that as a child manifested itself as rage and as an adult, it manifested itself as rage and fear. I sought therapy because at points in my life I couldn't even leave my house. I was so paralyzed by it all that life lost much of it's meaning. I grew tired of feeling misunderstood, and of all the rage.. a constant feeling of overstimulation when trying to do the simplest of things, and being mistaken for being "immature" when I know that in my heart of hearts that is not the case.. which leads me to my next part..

In recent years, my mother told me that as a child she thought that I might have Asperger's. My Godfather, who was also my doctor, expressed his thoughts to my Mother that he thought based on my social issues, obsessions, and rage issues that I might be autistic in some fashion.

Before I met the woman that I eventually married, I dated a nurse at a very prominent hospital. She was convinced within months of dating that I had it, and she even made me take a test. I thought the test was BS, but she said it was a similar one that they offered at the hospital. The test claimed that I had it.

I just shrugged it off, and eventually that relationship ended as they all had before.

Now, I am a married man.. and my wife thinks that I have it. I can't escape this, but it is hurting my relationship with my wife. It is becoming a problem in that our communication is suffering. She claims that certain aspects of my interaction with her or with what I do are just because of "immaturity," like my obsessiveness or my social ineptness.. and many other aspects of my life where I end up just feeling hopeless. There are things that I can't articulate very well right now because I am still kind of in a huff since an argument I had with my wife earlier.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I did a search and this forum came up. I am just looking for answers, and at this point in my life I will listen to anyone. If I do, in fact, have asperger's.. then I want to help my wife and help myself so that we can communicate better. I've already called a psychiatrist and left a message.

Please help me.

I can tell you what works for us--I have no idea whether it will work for you. We have been married for 14 years--it has gotten a lot smoother since we realized I had Aspergers.

Communicate directly--no guessing or assuming. Or even worse, playing games in which the other partner is suppose to know somehow. Really? Not going to happen.

Time to eat!

It also helps to set priorities, to better balance your special interests and together time. This will vary between couples.

I’ve lived with my boyfriend for 18 years, and we have had to handle a lot of communication issues, including rage (although I’m the one with AS, he’s usually the one who rages. I have catatonic shutdowns or crying meltdowns).

Some of the things we’ve realized are:

No one is a mind reader, Asperger’s or not. No one can reasonably expect others to automatically understand what goes on inside their head. We often treat others the way we like to be treated ourselves, but they may prefer to be treated completely different. The only way to find out how your loved one wants to be treated is to ask (nicely). The only way for your loved one to know how you’d like to be treated is for you to tell her.

Always be honest, but try not to be harsh or hurtful. Honesty about yourself is more important than being honestly and sometimes ruthlessly critical of others. Few people take kindly to being criticized, however rightly, and it’s rarely helpful in a discussion. By saying “my experience of the situation is like this” instead of “you are being like that”, you take responsibility for your own view and give her a chance to understand you at the same time.

Discussions are for finding solutions that you both can agree on. Not for finding out who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong’. If you go into an argument to ‘win’ you have both lost from the outset, because the respect has gone out the window.

We have had to make a few rules to deal with the rage issue. We have a rule that says: if either partner needs a break because the discussion is getting too heated, we either say “we have to stop talking now” or use the time-out hand sign (from football – I need this one because when I get close to a meltdown I can’t speak anymore) and the other one has to respect that, immediately stop talking, no “buts”, and we move away from each other physically, until the adrenalin has gone away (this takes 20 to 30 minutes). Then, and only if we both agree to continue, we pick up the conversation again, more calmly this time. Sometimes my boyfriend needs more than a day to come back from being angry – and I’ve learned to respect that.

OK, I can see this is getting a bit long. I’ll stop here for now.

exiled – you are very welcome to PM me if you like, with more specific questions, and I’ll try to be as helpful as I can. Since I’m on the spectrum, but also a woman who has lived with someone with anxiety and rage issues for a long time, I might have a different perspective than the men here.