Anyone learned emotional reciprocity?

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I'm not just talking about body language, or keeping general social rules. Those can be taught to anyone. Emotional reciprocity is all intuitive, or at least I don't know the underlying patterns. I have vastly improved on pretty much every aspect of social skills, except for that. Is it even possible for us to learn it, or is it simply based off something hardwired and unchangeable?

If you don't know what I mean, emotional reciprocity is mimicking - not imitating - someone's body language. Also touching people. I am not sure how to explain it very well and I hope everyone understood it.

Edit: I have always felt empathy and compassion for people, anger can also be contagious for me, it's not about feeling their emotions. That theory never held true for me. It's only about using the appropriate body language.

Note: If I'm not mistaken, it's normal for every Aspie to be exceptionally bad at this. So I'm asking if anyone managed to learn it. I'm still curious about Aspies that were not bad at it in the first place.

Last edited by Rational on 09 Dec 2012, 5:32 am, edited 3 times in total.

Like when you see someone sitting there moping, being sad, you mimic or take on this emotion?

Kind of. When I imagine this, I find it extremely hard in my imagination to go and hug them or something like that. I do become sad and really want to show my empathy, but I don't perceive an emotionally appropriate way to do it.

I've tried it once, but I ended up only waiting long enough for someone else to take over. I don't seem to have this ability. But I'm not sure if this is a result of gender role vs Asperger's, and if the influence was because of the gender role.

See, from my observation(not to impose on anyone else), AS is just emotional underdevelopment(at least the social part is), so it's just hard for me to put into perspective a more mature person's feelings, though I do understand the feeling itself, if you know what I'm saying.

Like I get on well with little kids and people a year or two younger than me, but people see that I am kind of underdeveloped for my age (culturally we are taught that the age of adulthood is 16).

So,for a short answer,i'd say yes, but for a long answer,no (and we never will).

You might be talking about empathy.

I think it takes other people to let you know whether they get your vibes or not, whether you're being able to get your emotions across.

A lot of my trouble with it has been learned, from an ADHD family whose biggest rule is not to talk about anything important/sensitive, an oversensitive and distracted mother, and a dad with pretty severe Aspergers. When everyone around you is telling you "its not about you," after a while you learn to accept that.

Also, I've been in more than one relationship where the person ended up being kind of a psychopath. They taught me that you might meet someone who displays all the characteristics of being sad, and lonely and you console them only to find out that it was an act, to get you to do something else for them.

I think this stuff can get wired into our brains, making it difficult to see and think about. But I've heard that our brains can be very versatile and can recover and grow and reshape. If emotional reciprocity is what we need to live better in the world, then it will never help us to believe that we can't learn more emotional reciprocity. Even if it were impossible for you to change your brain, it still would do you a lot more good to believe that you could change it.

It's usually the case that we are capable of a lot more than we think, and accepting limitations can often just be an excuse not to try.

But it helps to have people helping you learn emotional reciprocity by not hiding their own emotional responses from you. That's one reason why Aspies need to be around NTs and seek help from NTs and not just support from other Aspies.

No, I'm not. I've also read the rest of your post and I can't relate to that. I've always been empathetic and kind.

"emotional reciprocity is mimicking - not imitating - someone's body language. Also touching people. "

I tried googling "emotional reciprocity" but it wasn't very clear.
You say it's different from empathy. Can you maybe explain it a little more?

Without googling anything, to me emotional reciprocity would be the idea of that if someone treats you a certain way, that you appreciate and give those people the same kind of respect, dignity, and generosity they gave you. Many of us tend to either be way too giving, way too standoffish, and/or way too obsessed with something in such a way that it annoys or intrudes on other people's emotions, personal space, or because others are bullies.

A lot of bad experiences have made me be able to decipher much better who is giving bad advice and who is not. Another important thing I learned is that what make work for one person will not necessarily work for you. Each person is unique.

It may be harder for us to adapt to social properness and when to be firm, but I do not think it is impossible.

I think I know what you mean. Example, my friend lost her job and was obviously upset, she was crying when she was telling me about it. I certainly felt really sad for her and really wanted to do something to comfort her. That was the immediate reaction in my head. A hug would have been a nice gesture but instead I just freeze and after a long awkward silence she approaches me for an awkward hug. It's not instinctual for me at all. I've tried replaying such scenarios in my head afterwards and imagining me being the one offering the hug and it seems ok in theory when I'm away from the situation, but I know if I'm actually in that situation again I will freeze again and do nothing.

Sorry if I've misunderstood you.

I think it also includes the other way around - when someone is mean to you, you do something nasty back.

I don't really like the idea of reciprocity that much. It creates obligations. Like people send me cards for my birthday and then expect me to send them cards too. And revenge is completely horrible.

As for the emotional part: I almost always cry when I see others cry. I am very good at comforting young children but not adults. Although online I'm not so bad.
I did consciously teach myself to touch people when they seem sad or upset or in pain. I find it awkward to do,and sometimes I cannot bring myself to do it, but once it's done it's not so bad - a lot of people react surprisingly strongly,and mostly positive when you touch them, which is nice, and also quite interesting. :p

You're the only one who seems to get me right. I've been in a similar situation.

And it's horribly frustrating, after I have learned some social skills, to have some very awkward moments because I can't feel people's anticipations, or something like that. That is why I very much want to learn it.

I'm clueless at it. I have the idea what I would do in a situation but when it actually happens, I have a hard time applying it. My husband knows I care and if you want me to do something that will help you feel better, just tell me and I will do it. I have that skill to do what I am told to do to help you feel better.

Sure when someone is upset, I can ask them what is wrong. In high school I would get told to mind my own business. Now today I may either ignore them or still ask risking being told to MYOB again. If someone comes to me and says something like "Oh s**t" I ask them "what is it, what happened?" But then I am clueless at the rest and all I can do is listen.

Well, I'm not great at expressing sympathy. Most people, especially women, put on a special sad face, and adopt an exaggerated, pitying voice and say "Oh, I'm so sorry" or some variant. All I can do is say "That's too bad" with a flat face and voice. Well, it depends on how well I know the person. I'm more expressive with my voice when in the company of family.

If this is what I think it means, I have learned a few skills, yes, but it never really comes naturally. I had to work on myself for years to learn to mimic NT's and try and figure out what is expected. It still drains me though. Sometimes when someone is telling a joke, I don't get it immediately and am often the last one to laugh, and I might not even laugh if I don't find it funny. As a kid, it was even worse. I just looked at people with that blank expression and when I look at those old photos now, I know why it is I am never smiling in any of them. I have come a very long way. I am still the same person, but my acting degree equipped me with the tools to appear normal to the rest of the world. It's a mask I wear.

This is why it is so important for me to retreat, to the sacrosanct space of my home, as much as possible.

No, unfortunatelly, not. I still haven´t learnt it, or not very effectively.