My family has always been very social. Throughout my childhood, my parents regularly indulged in various weekend gatherings of friends. My sister spent her highschool years attending parties every other night, followed by much of the same in university. Now, in their elder years, my parents appear to be more social than ever while my middle-aged sister and her own family are constantly inundated with friends and social invitations.
Unlike the others, I was more of a loner. As a young child, I was able to keep myself amused although I was pushed into various activities involving others. In my teens, I was usually able to maintain one or two friendships at a time but, even then, most of my leisure time was in spent in solitude since group activities made me feel uncomfortable.
Who am I kidding? I was not exactly popular. My hermit-like existence troubled my parents to the point where they badgered me about not getting out there and interacting with others. I guess that and the media rubbed off on me because, the older I got, the more I pined for some kind of community. I didn't belong to any religious organization, sports team or other group. The Internet , which could have saved me a lot of personal torment, did not yet exist for the masses.
Late in highschool, with persistence, I did eventually manage to find various groups of acquaintences to hang out with. Unfortunately, my awkward demeanor sometimes weirded people out and I stumbled upon enough unpleasant experiences with others to propagate a high level of anxiety. Sometimes the things I said or missed suggested to others that I was stupid and stupid inevitably becomes the subject of recurrent jokes (all jokes have a victim). Having seen this pattern enough times in various contexts, I developed an unhealthy fear of judgement. The anxiety carried over into university, causing me to more-or-less keep to myself thoughout a period that is normally associated with branching out and networking.
To be fair, I did have a select few friends that I'd occassionally hang out with and there were various girls who I dated but, compared to family members and most of my peers, I wasn't exactly living it up even though I felt I would have liked to!
I thought things might change after graduation. With new found confidence and a new city, I embarked upon my career. Surely, I'd fit in somewhere in this fresh, exciting new environment. For a time, a group a work colleagues included me in various activities. While this was a positive development, I did notice some of the familiar social patterns and anxiety emerging again. Following a few years of moderate coworker socialization came a shift toward more cliquey surroundings. Around this time, I left the city for the suburbs and started a family. Family obligations make it harder to socialize, especially when you're not already acquainted with other families in similar situations. Once again, I recoiled back into semi-hermitdom.
Years later, I find myself in a similar state. Yeah, I've got a family and, yeah, I encounter the odd acquaintence. But I hardly know anyone in the area and I continue to lack what I'd call a community. Beyond organized groups that cator to the religious, ladies, youths or seniors, suburbia doesn't seem to offer much in the way of bringing people together. Seems most of the folks I've run into are friends of my wife who aren't interested in knowing me beyond my association as "the husband". In fact, some of my wife's male coworkers are a little too interested in my wife - that doesn't help my anxiety levels either. It seems like these normal people, my wife included, are more on the same wavelength with each other than I.
All this anxiety, awkwardness and isolation makes a lot of sense now if I consider that I have Asperger's Syndrome. Okay, so I have an affliction that can explain my social failings. What do I do with it? Give up and use it as an excuse not to be social?
08 Jan 2013, 4:58 pm
