People tell me things, and it's awkward
I've only recently become aware of this, but people I don't know well seem to tell me personal things about themselves and/or others that I don't need or want to know. Like, I was at the grocery store with this guy I barely knew (we were buying food for a club event), let's call him A, and he spent the entire time telling me about all the girls this other guy in the club, his friend, let's call him B had dated, and girls B was interested in now, and how he was a player, and how B went out with this girl that A sort of had a thing but not really and then B lost interest in her. And the whole time I was just standing there going, "Um...sorry?" And then I saw B at the club and I was like, I know way too much about your personal life.
Another time, this summer, I was at a program, and I mentioned to my roommate, who I'd just met the previous day and barely spoken to, that I didn't have a boyfriend (people in the apartment had been talking about it earlier). She proceeded, with zero prompting, to tell me about how she'd lost her virginity when she was really drunk and she really regretted it. Again, I was just like, "I'm sorry?"
People do this to me a lot, and they're not people who overshare in other situations, they just seem to want to overshare with me. And being an Aspie, I'm just about the worst person to provide a sympathetic response--I want to, but I'm not sure how. I'm also not sure whether to be flattered, like these people think I'm a good listener or something, or just weirded out.
Anyone else have a similar problem? Any tips for dealing when strangers tell you personal things? It makes me really uncomfortable sometimes.
I would just be like, uh huh, ok or something of that nature. It eventually might get them to understand you're not interested in what they are saying without giving the impression that you're being rude to them, it's just too much personal information. You don't need to know their personal lives, knowing them is one thing but if you barely know him, thats just too much to take.
auntblabby
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Location: the island of defective toy santas
Another time, this summer, I was at a program, and I mentioned to my roommate, who I'd just met the previous day and barely spoken to, that I didn't have a boyfriend (people in the apartment had been talking about it earlier). She proceeded, with zero prompting, to tell me about how she'd lost her virginity when she was really drunk and she really regretted it. Again, I was just like, "I'm sorry?"
People do this to me a lot, and they're not people who overshare in other situations, they just seem to want to overshare with me. And being an Aspie, I'm just about the worst person to provide a sympathetic response--I want to, but I'm not sure how. I'm also not sure whether to be flattered, like these people think I'm a good listener or something, or just weirded out.
Anyone else have a similar problem? Any tips for dealing when strangers tell you personal things? It makes me really uncomfortable sometimes.
The first case sounds like he wanted to share some (what he thought) juicy gossip. As it involved sex and other people. You could probably just shrug it off as I doubt it was meant any way but casual. Don't know what to do in cases of sincere oversharing - try just nicely interrupting them before they get that far and change the subject. I agree with auntblabby that they must think you look trustworthy (and probably quiet and passive).
VAGraduateStudent
Deinonychus
Joined: 13 Apr 2012
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 340
Location: Virginia, USA
Sometimes people have weird reactions to aspie girls. I think they make assumptions about them because of the aspie-ness they're picking up but don't understand and the fact that they're a girl. And often the lack of facial expression in aspie girls is thought of as being attractive just because it's more acceptable to have a passive face if you're a girl. So the facial characteristics often read as "I'm a good listener" when actually you're just minding your own business and don't care to listen.
Also it's a little more acceptable to not say as much if you're a girl or to say the wrong thing. Others (especially men) tend to rewrite what they've heard or not heard into what they WANT to hear.
If it really bothers you, you could just say something rude. Like, "It sounds like you think B is a bad person" or "Why are you telling me this?" Something like that is more likely to cut off what they're saying, although they will think you're a b****. I'm NT, but I do this myself if a man is bothering me with inappropriate information.
Yes, I guess you're onto something about me being non-threatening. I think also the fact that I'm socially awkward has to do with it--they know I'm not likely to have a lot of friends, so I won't have a lot of people to gossip to, so their secret will be safe with me.
On the other hand, I have had people tell me I'm intimidating, so I don't know what to think.
I'm in that boat too. I once had a professional relationship with someone (I hired him to do stuff for me) who really screwed up badly and when I went up to confront him he went on and on (for over an hour) about this life issue. Yes I should have left but I really didn't know what to do, storming out of a meeting room is scary in itself.
I seem to have a 'load all your crap onto me' sign attached to my head or something.
The tricky part is that I do recognize that these people need someone to actually hear their problems, usually in ways most people can't. I know that feeling.
Just sad that noone is really hearing me in return
_________________
I edit my posts because my inner perfectionist requires me to do so.
I might be off base, but sometimes that's just a ploy to not get fired. If they start going on and on about the difficulties in their life you may feel pity towards them and decide to give them one more chance. A similar situation is when people get caught speeding and then will cite some dramatic story in order to get out of the speeding ticket.
Happens to me sometines too, at work mainly, Must be that I can offer a different perspective, am quiet and can act as a soundingboard and do not intimidate most. I also don't gossip after or anything like that, appear stable and can sometimes offer intelect not seen in my NT age counterparts, sometimes my reaction is "why are you asking me this, I don't know about anything like this"
Thats my thoughts on why I and other Aspies may get used in this way.
Another time, this summer, I was at a program, and I mentioned to my roommate, who I'd just met the previous day and barely spoken to, that I didn't have a boyfriend (people in the apartment had been talking about it earlier). She proceeded, with zero prompting, to tell me about how she'd lost her virginity when she was really drunk and she really regretted it. Again, I was just like, "I'm sorry?"
People do this to me a lot, and they're not people who overshare in other situations, they just seem to want to overshare with me. And being an Aspie, I'm just about the worst person to provide a sympathetic response--I want to, but I'm not sure how. I'm also not sure whether to be flattered, like these people think I'm a good listener or something, or just weirded out.
Anyone else have a similar problem? Any tips for dealing when strangers tell you personal things? It makes me really uncomfortable sometimes.
What you are hearing from these people is called, "Gossip," and "Small talk." I happen to have this habit too and unfortunately, society does the same thing because they think it is cool.
I might be off base, but sometimes that's just a ploy to not get fired. If they start going on and on about the difficulties in their life you may feel pity towards them and decide to give them one more chance. A similar situation is when people get caught speeding and then will cite some dramatic story in order to get out of the speeding ticket.
Ah yes I know. I went there to tell him I wouldn't be paying, and in the end he said he obviously wouldn't send me a bill himself. It's possible that he feared worse than not being payed, but it looked like genuine 'oh I am so relieved you are someone I can tell about this'. It was just totally inappropriate professionally :s
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