Always having your guard up

Page 1 of 1 [ 11 posts ]

Joined: 27 Dec 2012
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 107
Location: USA

15 Jan 2013, 11:49 pm

Whenever I'm in a social situation, except with a select couple of people who I really feel comfortable with, my guard is always up. I've been hurt a LOT, so every time someone says something that confuses me or that might be an insult, I have this instant flight-or-fight response (usually fight--I don't actually pick a fight, but I have a tendency to narrow my eyes and say, "What do you mean?" in a wary tone). If someone calls my name and catches me off guard, I tend to turn and glare or frown at them just by reflex, like I'm ready for something bad. Most social situations go badly for me, so I feel like I'm always waiting for that to happen. I also feel like almost anyone could hurt me (emotionally) at any moment, so I need to be prepared to hurt them in return, or sometimes hurt them first (again, I'm talking about emotion, I've never lashed out physically). I'm not sure to what extent NTs, with what seems to me to be their magical ability to tell what people are thinking or what "vibes" you give off or whatever you want to call it, perceive that in me.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? Does my feeling like I need to hurt people before they hurt me make me a horrible person (I usually don't actually do it)? Does anyone have any tips on how to feel safe around people? My therapist told me I just needed more experience to learn that people are safe--unfortunately the experience I've had, with his encouragement, have led to me being hurt and have proved that people are NOT safe. So should I just accept that I should have my guard up?

rpcarnell
Deinonychus

Joined: 15 Feb 2011
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 338

16 Jan 2013, 3:11 pm

I always have my guard up. It is like you said, people are cruel, evil, and everyone, NTs, autistic, knows it.

_________________
Your Aspie score: 163 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200

Vectorspace
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 3 Oct 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 903
Location: Germany

17 Jan 2013, 1:29 pm

Catharascotia wrote:

Can you give an example for such a situation?

Quote:

I'm not sure to what extent NTs, with what seems to me to be their magical ability to tell what people are thinking or what "vibes" you give off or whatever you want to call it, perceive that in me.

I think they notice.

Quote:

My therapist told me I just needed more experience to learn that people are safe--unfortunately the experience I've had, with his encouragement, have led to me being hurt and have proved that people are NOT safe. So should I just accept that I should have my guard up?

That doesn't sound like a good advice to me, in such a general form.

auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 114,603
Location: the island of defective toy santas

17 Jan 2013, 8:30 pm

the only place one can let their guard down, is in heaven. it's hell everyplace else.

Cynic
Blue Jay

Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 92

18 Jan 2013, 2:27 pm

Catharascotia wrote:

Most social situations go badly for me, so I feel like I'm always waiting for that to happen. I also feel like almost anyone could hurt me (emotionally) at any moment

I know the feeling. Being a total socially inept mongo has led me to develop extreme social anxiety.

Catharascotia wrote:

Exactly, and many NTs have their guards up too.

muldoon
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 16 Jan 2013
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 49
Location: England

18 Jan 2013, 3:45 pm

I believe it's wise to have your guard up. I'm not saying have an attitude problem, but don't expect somebody to be nice to you. People are not safe. You're doing the right thing by responding verbally rather than lashing out. I totally understand the "what do you mean" thing, but unfortunately it makes others think I'm extremely paranoid. If I am, it's because of what they've done to me!

Argh, I wish I was one of those stereotypical "witty banter" Brits who had a clever answer to everything. I'm slow and easily confused when distressed.

Stalk
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 19 Jul 2012
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,138

18 Jan 2013, 4:44 pm

I finally managed to buy new shoes, only to get some nasty comments about it. I don't know if I was suppose to hear the conversation or it is just me that has sensitive hearing. But I heard them. I wonder if it one of the cruel NT ways of devaluing you and make you doubt in yourself so that they can feel better about themselves.

Vectorspace
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 3 Oct 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 903
Location: Germany

18 Jan 2013, 5:08 pm

Stalk wrote:

Mocking at people whose appearance or behavior is different is a very natural thing, and there is probably even a genetic reason for this.
But most adult people should have learned that they shouldn't do it openly.

uncompahqre
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 4 Jan 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 29

19 Jan 2013, 12:15 pm

Catharascotia wrote:

Does my feeling like I need to hurt people before they hurt me make me a horrible person (I usually don't actually do it)? Does anyone have any tips on how to feel safe around people?

I think it takes a while to come to terms with other people and how they behave. I generally don't expect much of people, which has taken me a long time to accept. This coupled with being at ease with oneself can reduce the need to 'strike first'. It takes practice not to let things bother you, but over time it gets easier. That said I always have my defense systems up, but I rarely feel the need to be in offensive mode unless someone is really out of line.

Stalk
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 19 Jul 2012
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,138

19 Jan 2013, 4:37 pm

Vectorspace wrote:

I thought about what you wrote. It makes sense from an instinct point of view. Almost a survivability/instinct trait. But these to are 2 adult women, both married and one has a child. I'll just write it off as office politics.

hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,747
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

22 Jan 2013, 8:00 am

Catharascotia wrote:

Yes I understand that. You don't mean to be unkind, you have a hyper-active sense of needing to protect yourself. It's a reaction to how you have been treated in the past.

I am a bit like that. But the danger is that we can shut out good people for no real reason and miss out on a good friendship. Part of the problem is sometimes low self esteem. I've found that I know nice people, but I don't feel like they would want to be my friend, like I'm not good enough or something, so I hang out with noisy, selfish, negative people because they are loud and brash enough to invite me out or ask something of me.

Maybe you could discuss ways to build your self esteem with your therapist. Sometimes the signals we send out draw certain types of people to us.

Page 1 of 1 [ 11 posts ]

Jump to:

Always having your guard up Post Reply New Topic

Always having your guard up