Epiphany about social dysfunction

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I have recently realized that I actually don't like most people. But I still beat myself up for having a poor social life and no close friends because, maybe, I think that's what people are "supposed" to do.

My interactions with people usually go such: small talk, people talk about themselves, I pretend to listen and be interested and hope it doesn't die; then, it's over, and I'm relieved.

Obviously, those people are not good fits, but most people give me that feeling that talking to them is a huge burden. Part of the reason I beat myself up is that I think society expects me to be able to be friends with normal people. But talking to them is so painful, so I'm not sure it's possible or desirable. Maybe 99.8% of the population just deserves my minor pleasantries and then finding an excuse to get away from them. Rare is a person I meet with whom I can actually communicate without it feeling like a huge chore.

So how do I get over beating myself up about this?

I understand what you're saying. I'm in a similar though not identical situation -- I generally find most social situations pointless, especially small talk, and draining of mental resources. In fact, most of the "social anxiety" I have is really more of a underlying drive to minimize the risk of wasting time and energy in interactions that I do not find rewarding.

I think an initial step could be defining and recognizing the types of people and interactions you do find worthwhile (differentiating from those you do not), if this is possible.

Secondly, as to not beating oneself up, it's important to note that practically everyone (including even most non-NT people) are wired with a circuit that causes the individual to continually compare themselves to others. It's a survival mechanism that our biological ancestors evolved to maximize their chances for inclusion in the herd/tribe/whatever, and thus chances for survival. For as AS person though, an additional circuit that would respond to the initial circuit's warning is not active, so it is not possible to act on this signal coming from the first system.

So while it may not be possible to shut off these self-critical thoughts, it is possible to recognize them, and to not associate with them. Note that fighting them will likely backfire -- it's best to make room for them, but while simultaneously getting off these "thought trains" by refocusing on the present moment or your intentions for pursuing interactions you actually find meaningful.

its economical. whats to beat yourself up over? i think its pretty great.

Perhaps you should think about which elements of what one is '"supposed" to do" are things that you do because they are helpful/pleasant for you, and which are things that you are simply doing because you're "supposed" to do them, and hence could excise from your approach to socializing. So if 99.8% of people or whatever aren't people that you could form a legitimate friendship with, then don't bother trying to force yourself to form close friendships with these people. You should still certainly be a decent person when you do need to communicate with these people, and don't cut yourself off from your current social circle, unless you're OK with the possibility of completely alienating yourself. But a reason to not beat yourself up over not connecting with people like you're "supposed" to is because I suspect it's not your fault, you just don't connect with them. And try to become comfortable with the fact that you won't connect with most people. And then just be happy if you do happen to meet someone with whom you do connect, who feels the same way about you (regardless of whether this is connecting in the sense of a friendship or a romantic relationship.

I can relate. I would hesitate to call more than a few of the people I know my friends; I would only consider maybe one or two people to be close friends, and I doubt any of them consider me to be a close friend. And I'm coming to try and accept this while at the same time not completely alienating myself from the possibility of forming friendships with people I actually do connect with. So I think can empathize with your experiences to some extent.

Anyway, I hope I said something useful, because I feel like a lot of what I said was unhelpfully obvious.

I don't know. I struggle with this, I'm blunt and rude and I don't like listening to people talk unless I'm really interested in the subject... I guess that is typical of aspies. I constantly have to remind myself that I do not owe it to anyone to want to keep them company or be interested in them or understand them or give a s**t... and they certainly don't owe it to me, so I do really appreciate when I find someone I can connect with, but I try not to get attached to that because it probably won't last. I keep my distance when I find someone I feel a connection to, I guess.

I don't even know if this relates to the content of this thread enough to justify posting it

Yes, it does. Too bad you're at the other end of Texas. I am usually the opposite of blunt, but I sometimes get along really well with those who are.

I do all those things, like listen and be polite, but it's painful, and my body wants to get away as soon as possible while my mind tells me I'm "supposed" to make friends.

As for cutting myself off from my current social circle, I don't have much of one anyway, so this is unlikely to be a problem. What I had kind of melted away when my bipolar episodes started last fall. The lack of diversity at The University of Texas School of Law is absolutely appalling and is one reason why I don't connect with anyone. I'll be so glad to get out of this ret*d state and ret*d sports city when I graduate and hopefully go to one of the coasts.

Yeah I understand that, I went through college entirely beating myself up because I felt I wanted friends and a social life due to social obligations. I'd always feel sad if I wasnt doing anything when everyone else was. I took a long time to realize what my actual needs were. I guess you just have to remember, you're not like everyone else and realize that you might have different social needs. What matters is your happiness and if socializing and small talk does not make you happy then thats fine. For many NTs, they need to socialize.

i love listening to people. Because i am so aliented from world and when i hear different things from people i understand different perspective of people
I remember during one conversation going on in office between colleagues
One of the guy said that a particular faculty member looks and seems weirdo
Why because she is very quite and keeps to herself
They were laughing and discussing that probably she is dumb
All this comments because she was introvert
From this conversation i understood that quite people are supposed to be considered dumb,
weird and alien.

I keep away from extrovert people they are judgemental
and introvert people some of them are eccentric
i had one colleague who was introvert but very eccentric she used to badmouth
management openly and in front of seniors, top management she was sacked soon
enough

so somewhere i am puzzled between introvert and extrovert and
myself.

I think Austin is pretty lacking in diversity in a lot of aspects. It's really segregated as well and people in Austin would usually huff and puff and completely freak out if I ever talked about this when I lived there. It was like "NO WE ARE DIVERSE A BLACK GUY LIVES IN MY APARTMENT COMPLEX" or "BUT WE ACCEPT GAYS" and it was just impossible to even have the conversation, which was the actual problem. For being such a liberal "weird" city, it really fits into the social narrative of race in the state of Texas.

But yeah, too bad we can't hang out.

I never had trouble making friends, but maybe it become Im from oregon, and it's ok to be weird in oregon.

I went through the same realization one day. I got rid of a huge burden.

That said, there are people I do like to talk to, very much, and do things with, but they reject me. So the dislike is not always mutual.

For me it just depends and sometimes I feel comfortable with someone and make friends easily and other times it seems painful. It almost feels like sometimes I am fortunate in being able to bond with someone and have a good friend. Yes I can relate that sometimes people perceive an introvert as a "dumb" or a "lesser person" or "what is wrong with her she is so quiet?"