realizing your different

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just today in math, i looked at the people around me instead of being 'in my own world' (day dreaming, drawing, ect) and i noticed, they were all getting along, and talking, and i wondered what its like to make friends so easily, now i'm starting to dislike the way i am, then again who does. i also don't find it fair how NTs get to feel safe and comfortable but I'm stuck desiring something as little as small talk (which i cant do) anyone else?

It's tough, I certainly felt the same way back in high school. I didn't know I had AS back then though but throughout school, I wasn't the same as everyone else.

I think it's very good that you realized this, because it gives you a chance to improve.

I hadn't noticed that I was different before the age of 21. In retrospect, it might have spared me some trouble if I had.

i went through the same thing not knowing i was an aspie but most people thought of me as being spontaneous in High School.
Draw something in class on a piece of paper and ask someone what they think of it even if you don't draw well,
it's almost breaking the ice but i have done this and a guy who i don't know well said i was at drawing cars
and this was in a loud English class so i know what it is like.

I knew halfway through elementary school that there was something wrong with me. We couldn't identify it until I was nearly into my 30s.

Not all NTs feel safe and comfortable. Lots of people have their own mind maladies that you can't see and won't know about unless you are told.

I know some NTs (I am one) that can't make small talk for various reasons - shyness, social anxiety, stutter. Oh, and making friends is not easy for everyone. My friends with Asperger's have more friends and a better social life than me.

I guess I'm just trying to say that you perspective, while valid, is also largely true of the human condition and experience in general.

For Me the bad part is because I have to learn every thing "cognitively" i have to make mistakes to get better instead of having the innate instinct for socializing as NTS do, i thinkl , because i have to make mistakes, i end up being alienated from everyone or people think they have to carefully tread around me .. the weird thing is, i usually realize and learn something only when i see someone else doing the same thing, that is only when i realize what i did was stupid or "out of line" its really frustrating, i feel at in my mid 20's i have learned enough and i am beginning to loosen up and be more open minded and be open to hanging out with people who are not exactly a second me. , but only now in my mid twenties just when i am about to graduate from college. i essentially have learned to have a social life just at the point where alot of opportunities have passed me by or are just about to close on me, it really sucks. i sometimes ask myself: is it worth it having friends, a girlfriend, family etc. i usually only have such envious desires when im in a jam, or I am incredibly what stupid random thing can i do now or piss 4-6 hours of my life on surfing the internet kind of bored.

^ I can relate to your way of learning the skills. I permanently keep on testing the boundaries. Like a rat maze and I'm blind folded with no sense of direction, smell or any other sensory input that will help me guage where I am going. Only when I bump into objects (offending someone) I get to know where I am going more or less. But like you said, I end up alienating myself.