Things I don't understand about social interaction

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Things I just don't understand:

1) Talk about your special interests to avoid gossiping, and people think you're pretentious or showing off. Either they treat you like you don't know anything, or, if they realize you do know what you're talking about, they think you're deliberately trying to intimidate them.

2) How can a ompliment be an insult? I find that at times when I make a genuine, heart-felt compliment, people get mad. I also have discovered that other people's compliments are supposed to be implied insults. Do people do this to everyone or just the people they don't like?

3) Being genuine=being sarcastic. WTF?

4) Politeness covers contempt, and teasing is a sign of affection, except, of course, when people tease and don't accept you at the same time.

5) How can people get by with being nice to your face and gossiping nastily behind your back? Yet if you say the slightest thing about anyone else, no matter how nice, you're a gossip, even though they sit there trashing people you've never met.

And another thing: I want to know why my posts get ignored on this site. I have the crippling social disorder that is addressed here, yet hardly anybody ever talks to me, and no, I don't understand why.

WTF is going on?

Actually, I find your post very compelling to respond to. And I'm NOT being sarcastic, I'm being genuine, in relation to #2 below.

Well, I've heard of the expression "damning them with faint praise", which means that if you give a compliment to somebody over something trivial (e.g. the office manager telling her subordinate, "you're doing a great job with the photocopies!"), then you're actually insulting them and it's intended that way. Again it comes down to looking at interactions in context, which is something that doesn't come naturally for those of us on the spectrum. It almost seems contradictory because we are socialized to express our appreciation for the little things e.g. thank you for holding that door open for me, or bringing me that coffee.

I suspect it could also come down to non-verbal nuance; we might be showing them a forced smile when giving the other person a compliment, w/o realizing it, which they may interpret as sarcasm (and we wouldn't be able to intuit that they've interpreted this way unless they got overtly hostile and told us why).

As for being genuine = being sarcastic, this sort of goes hand-in-hand with point #2. I don't think that all people are like that. If they exhibit something of a smirk, then sure, they're sarcastic a***oles.

For point #1, I find this unfortunate and have encountered it, so I make a point to show interest in the other person's hobbies and ask them questions about it. This has gotten me better results, but it took some practice. I don't know about deliberately trying to intimidate them, unless you hypothetically tell them that your hobby is guns (I'm saying that as a barb towards how ludicrous their thinking is, not to mock your comment). I'd say coming off as a "know-it-all" or show-off is a bigger concern, but there are plenty of NTs who engage in this sort of behaviour and alienate their audience, believe me.

I have all of these issues too. So then I quit talking in social situations and then I come off as stuck up because I don't outwardly awkward. Because I'm a "pretty" female (I'm not trying to sound conceited so please don't give me a hard time for this it's just what I'm told) who had it ingrained in my by my "vain" (which I think has too negative of a connotation) mother, people assume I'm adept at social interaction so I'm labeled a b***h. Which sucks. Because also like you, I always try to compliment people when I feel it's deserved and half the time people think I'm belittling them or something. And then when I try to open up to people and tell them I'm an aspie or I'm on the spectrum they immediately discount me, and say something like "you don't seem like you have any problems". I agree it's like damned if you do, damned b if you don't.

Thank you for your answer.

I don't worry about other people being genuine or not as much as I am concerned about people taking my genuine compliments or other expressions as implied insults or sarcasm. I really don't do that sort of thing; it goes against my nature. I can make nasty comments, but they're direct. I'm like a steamroller that way, as my husband says. I haven't mastered all the subtle meanings and nuances.

I used to think that people would understand because it's just me, like they did in High School, but I didn't realize how well people knew me and my family in my small town. I'm the kind of person who never really paid attention to people and social networks as a kid; I wasn't being snobby or uncaring, though. I was in my own world. I didn't realize, when I went to a major university, that I would be expected to pay close attention to others and figure out what they meant by things. I went through a very bad patch at university when I acted like most poeple do at age twelve because I had no idea what was going on and found myself getting negativity and stabbed in the back from every side. Someone who is kicked around without knowing why gets mean. However, meanness is not a natural quality for me, and it made me crazy trying to act in the way I thought was expected of me, which was even wierder than before and much less tolerable.

Now, after twenty odd years, I'm trying to be sociable again, and I find myself making a lot of the same old errors: talking too much, "saying" too much, not watching others carefully enough and worst of all not interpreting correctly what I do see. I try to act like the people around me (like I did in college, through my own perspective) but to keep away from any negativity because it's just not me to be knowingly rude to people. However, I find that my attempts are taken for the opposite of what I mean and that people act back towards me like they interpret I'm acting towards them, and that really hurts.

It's all about perspective, unfortunately, and I refuse to think that the world is just full of back-stabbing as*holes, who enjoy hurting me, like I believed during that terrible time at college. There are some of those in the world, but most people are just too busy with their own lives to act that way. Some, a few, even geuninely care.

Roosef, I know what you mean about being a pretty girl. I never thought I looked very good, but I discovered from the way I was treated (and, more than that, what I was told) that I actually was pretty when I was a teenager/young woman. People just imagine that pleasant-looking people should automatically be well-adjusted; I don't know why. However, if I tried to talk to guys about their insterests people thought I was "coming on" to them; when they realized I was engaged I was "playing games" with them, when all I was doing was trying to talk about something I enjoy. If I stopped talking to people, I was "stuck up" and "enjoyed my own company soooo much." It was so mucn easier to just go through my day and pay attention to nobody except the few who really wanted to talk to me, oblivious to everything else. That was before I lived in a dorm where I was expected to be the right sort of "chummy" or I was tormented.

Now I'm not so good-looking; I've gained a lot of weight after having the boys and now I don't get the scary attention from men anymore, most of the time However, I also haven't had a lot of experience with groups of women either, so I stick out like a sore thumb. What's worse is that at my age I'm expected to just "know" how to act, which I don't, and even though I've been diagnosed with Aspergers and can see now just how crippling it's been in just about every stage of my life, even my own brother refuses to accept the diagnosis.

Haven't figured out these things you succinctly described. Well, partly I do, maybe. It seems to me that people have no focus on what the other person might be experiencing except when they want to for selfish reasons like to get them to do something.
Just attempting to figure out what goes on often makes my head hurt.
I have only in the last couple of years decided to not attempt to understand, and to keep myself mostly to myself, to have a few 'stock phrases' when small talk is absolutely unavoidable, and as much as possible never get into social situations. I think people are so surprised by genuineness, by the power that is behind it, that they default to assuming it is sarcasm. If that makes sense. They put up walls and defenses of various sorts that I do not understand.

It bothers me whenever I see someone say they do not get responses. Anyway, I am responding, not just because of that but because the subject is interesting and an ongoing trouble for me too.

#3

people usually say, just be yourself. Then you are yourself, only to be reminded not to be really yourself. Asking a question implies you are making an assumption, when they, themselves are making an assumption about the context that you just asking a question in. I find that to happen anywhere. Not just with the NTs but here on WP too.

#5 happens everywhere too

as for the rest. I don't have the answers myself. Only what I chose to do about it, which is nothing really. I usually just remove myself from the situation. But I can't hide forever, so for now, I just block it out of my mind, until I can get answers to why they reacted in that way. Usually I just forget it.

I guess for now, just being happy with myself is helping me out

Stalk, you are so right. What's ironic is that the way people take your question depends on their opinion of you, which is usually rooted in stereotype, when you weren't thinking of any stereotype at all, or of a category that's all your own which they would probably never think of, ever, and usually one much ore complimentary to the person than they would imagine as well, more times than not. People's self-perception gets confused with people's perception of you, unfortunately.

Thank you for talking to me, all of you. It feels good to know I'm not alone.

I would suggest reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. The book itself is 75 years old but it brings up many good points and many good stories to back it up. One of the things covered is when introducing yourself to others, it is best to get them talking about themselves and the reason why is because everyone loves to talk about themselves. That is relatable to the post you have created. There was also an interesting story the explains why Abraham Lincoln chose to stop criticizing people about 170 years ago.

Most people want to gossip, its a form of bonding. And yes sharing nasty rumors and talking bad about people does help NTs bond. People might think you always talk about what you want to talk about and never what they want to talk about. That doesnt really lead to bonding, shared interest, shared thoughts



Well see it comes in the territory of having bad social skills. Its happen to me before. I once complimented a friend about being very mature and never heard from her again? confusing



Its way of keeping interactions civil when your forced to be around other people you dont wanna be. Just a way to keep harm from occuring. As for teasing, its sorta an NT humorous way of acceptance and fun. Its hard to explain, I spent my entire childhood not understanding teasing.



People will act civilly because of social obligations but say completely nasty things about you because they dislike you. As for your 2nd question, that has more to do with social cliques, acceptance. If people dont like you, they'll find everything to hold against you. But when they say something nasty about you behind your back, its ok because everyone else likes them.

Confusing....I know

Many times it's not just what's been said but how it's been said. It's difficult to give a good picture of this in words, but most of what you mention seems like it could be an issue with non-verbal communication. It's good that you can identify situations where people misunderstand your intentions - see if you could work on those situations and if people do seem to misunderstand you just tell them how you intended your message.

I completely agree! I just posted on a diff thread about social relating, I said that we easily help and correct children w/ their social skills but hold back when it comes to older teens/adults. You might just a need a blunt lesson regarding your mannerisms, tone of voice and body language. The question is who is going to do this. Do you have any close friends that you can model after or have them point out areas that need working on....its going to suck having a friend do this, the other option is finding someone in your neck of the woods who teaches social skills.....Why not look into acting classes, a good acting coach or drama group can help you.
I also concur w/ an earlier post about reading "how to win friends and influence people" but that wont help you w/ body language.