Bartering for friends

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I always struggled with making friendships as a kid and throughout most of my life. Other than a few friends here and there, I never felt like anyone would want to be my friend just because they liked me. I went through life bartering for friends, offering whatever I had an excess of; test or assignment answers, knowledge, car rides, computer tech support etc in return for their friendship. This often resulted in low self-esteem and periods of deep prolonged depression. Has anyone else had similar experiences with friendships?

Well, lately I've been doing that as well. I lost my friends after high school ended. We just... drifted apart and lost contact, it happens. About 2-3 months ago, I recontacted them after about 2 years of silence. It's been great and I really don't want to lose them again. So I've been trying really hard to be a good friend, and to contact them often (but not too often) and trying to find a balance between too distant and too clingy. Thing is I also... gave them lots of money, and lots of very thoughtful gifts, and lots of help and support when needed. I think I do it partly to express my affection in the only way I know how and partly... I don't know... abandonment issues probably. It doesn't depress me though. I know it's not healthy, but... whatever.

Yes. I felt I had nothing to offer, in terms of personality.

I've had instances where I felt people were only talking to me for favors. Friends like that can have a very bad effect on emotional health, as you might still be treating them like real friends...

yes it can be confusing sometimes and feels so naive.

Currently the only friends I have are thourgh the internet,though I used to interact with them IRL but that was years ago,even now I wrest with the term friends in regard to them as it feels quite superficial, except for maybe one but I often feel irrelevant in regards to the friend group and have not interacted with them recently. I am oftenly just grateful for those who put up with me,I hope to connect with more people on more than just a superficial level, I hate the ridiculous level of my social anxiety, but I have my faith,and I also have a wonderful family which many don't have,I am tremendously grateful for what I have but it can be debilitating sometimes when you are isolated,there are few that I can confidently say that I feel connected to and I hope that can change,both for me and especially for the AS community as a whole,I don't wish loneliness upon anyone,it can be a very terrible burden.

That sounds a bit familiar to me. My experience taught me other people's friendship is simply infinitely more valuable than any of that sort of things I could offer. After all, they could do it themselves if only they weren't busy enjoying their rich lives complete with friendships, romantic relationships and whatnot, unlike me. Therefore, the amount of friendship I got in exchange for my help was always exactly zero. Needless to say, I don't miss that kind of deal.