Please can someone explain this bizarre NT behaviour!

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I don't really understand politeness. In theory it seems to be a way in which people avoid hurting other people's feelings, but politeness, more often than not, confuses me and does end up hurting my feelings.

Common polite thing is if I am going through a difficult time having experience an upsetting event like a death in the family etc people often say if you need someone to talk to ring me whenever. However they NEVER mean it. Why do they feel the need to say that? Can't they just say something honest just to acknowledge your loss/tragedy but without lying about offering you any further support? I am aware enough not to have then called them at 4 in the morning or something like that or literally called everyday or even every other day - but even calling once a week to talk for about 5-10 minutes is too much for some people and makes them feel annoyed even though they have said "call whenever you need to".

This is much worse than the "How are you" politeness ritual which I also hate.

I think it is time someone published a guide explaining these bizarre and seemingly pointless NT rituals.

I know the feeling. There are some rules of courtesy I feel bound to however, that are largely illogical. For instance, I feel bad dismissing people (that I'm not close to) when I don't feel like continuing a conversation. Stupid little guilt-based things like that. I think that has more to do with my irrational fear of bothering/troubling people, though.

There is no worthy explanation other than that people can be jerks. And people say things out of habit that sound good in the moment that they never follow through with, there's no hidden intricate explanations. When trying to decipher NT intentions, don't look too far..

I'm with you, there. Most people just don't know how to communicate - period. They fill their space with "slogans" because they don't know what else to say and it comes off phoney (to me). People need to learn to be more direct and say what they mean but society accepts "small talk" as a means to "connect". I have a hard time with that - "to connect" because if I want to "connect" with someone, I'd like to be able to answer "How are you?" honestly. Do I? No, I don't. I reply with, "Good. How are you?" And then I listen with a blank stare, knowing they only asked me to be able to share something about themself. Did they REALLY want to know I had a rough start to my day because of A-Z? Nope. They want to be surrounded by "positive people" they can "brag" with. LOL

Maybe I'm wrong.

For the risk of sounding like an idiot but what is NT?

I couldn't agree more. However, being very very strictly raised with physical punishments, I've been forced to learn these meaningless phrases the Neurotypicals call politeness. What I have learned all my life is that so many NTs are liars and fakes. I have met so very few ppl that actually mean what they say, especially when offering help, I don't trust anyone anymore. And on the other end I still struggle to anser the"how are you" questions with a simple "good" (which is a lie - but one that we are supposed to use without discomfort). I'd like to say to all NTs:

Never ask someone how they are if you do not want a truthful answer or is ready to listen to one.
Never offer to help or assist when you are not ready to actually do so.
Never express sympathy or offer to listen when you are not at all feeling it or willing to actually do so.
Never say that you care when you do not.
Never say that you are there for someone when in reality you will not give them the time of your day.

Bet you can add to this list

I identify here too, I find over politeness and positivity sssssoooo annoying, and the usual pleasantries are just a mechanical thing for me that I find hard. I'm never taken seriously when I do offer help as it's taken in the NT way as more pleasant nonsense.


I hate this thing where we have to be jubilant over nothing and only talk good and never mention something negative, that does not solve problems.

At the same time I find it hard to approach people when I need help with something.

im actually overly polite, i never understood it when i was younger but my mom would get angry when i didn't say sorry or thank you. its exhausting remembering to do it so sometimes i forget and people point out "how rude that was" when its not a big deal. i don't understand it either

I think most people mean it when they offer the help, but with some that feeling of sympathy wears off as they do other things.
Or perhaps have been called in the middle of cooking a meal or arguing with someone else and don't intend to sound irritated.
Or some do just say it to make a polite noise and don't think enough about how you are really feeling,

I often wondered what would happen if, when someone asked "how are you today?", one would answer "totally miserable!! !!". LOL!! !! !! !! !! !! !!
I mean, seriously, who *isn't* going to say "doing good, thanks". LOL. So, I agree. Silly social antic.

From time to time i do repky like that if I'm really pissed off.