Even aspies are 'too cool': lack of common interests

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I have run into a similar problem of making friends with aspies as I have with NT's: lack of common interests.

I have very intellectual special interests which include neuroscience with an emphasis on learning disabilities (recent), public policy, politics, and political theory. I used to have the demographics and voting history of all the precincts in Ohio memorized. Who cares about stuff like this? It seems like everybody hates politics except super extraverted true believers.

It seems like the world is divided into two types of people. There are "normal" people who are interested in pop culture, sports, TV, cuisine, fashion actors, etc. Then, there are 'weird' people who are interested in things like video games, pot, art, obscure tv shows/movies, and obscure music.

I find I fit into neither of these categories. I actually share *some* of the normal interests to a very limited extent Chinese culture and cuisine was a past special interest of mine, and fashion is something I can talk about a little bit), but I don't share the 'weird' people interests at all. Therefore, I have common interests with virtually nobody.

I am very good about NOT talking about my special interests when people aren't interested; therefore, I pretend to be interested in what other people have an interest in, but this often makes me fearful and anxious of being exposed in conversations, or it means there simply isn't that much to talk about. I usually end up not talking about myself much at all, so connections never form.

Really, there is not much to talk about with most people beyond very superficial interactions which I'm glad are over because I spend a lot of time in my special interests, especially the recent one(s) related to myself and my newly diagnosed condition and very little time pursuing outside interests. I'm also pretty busy normally, so this has a lot to do with it.

These things make it very difficult to form friendships and relationships not based on sex.

What is the solution?

Last edited by Tyri0n on 31 Mar 2013, 10:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, there is only one solution ... Keep on searching, in real life and online, for people who share your interests.

There are plenty of fish in the sea ... It may take a long time, but I'm sure you will find someone.

Maybe Austin is just the worst possible place for me? I am going to D.C. this summer, so maybe it will be different?

It seems like my favorite TV shows are also "odd": these include Game of Thrones, Community, Fringe, 90210 (for social skills), The Big Bang Theory, the Walking Dead, and Bones. It seems like these are not the most common "favorite" shows for most people, but I'm really into them, especially Fringe and Game of Thrones. I know like EVERYTHING about both shows in huge detail and can even recite parts of them.

I know exactly how you feel and I've had the same luck here. I end up talking to people too much and might not know when to stop about my special interests until someone insults me on it. It doesn't matter, it seems talking too little or too much renders the same results. My special interests are computers, programming, circuitry, game design, multiple computer networking topics, and learning new things related to these. You would think I would have more people in common or something but turns out the Aspies I meet would rather spell check, prove me wrong in something, or b***h and moan to me no matter what advice I give. I find this pursuit fruitless.

I met my boyfriend in a social online game... Second Life... It isn't for everyone.. but it was sure good for me. I recently did a search inworld (SL) and there are tons of disclosed Apies there. Probably many more that are oblivious to being an aspie (like I was when I started)

If interested use an alternate viewer like Firestorm.

Hope you enjoy DC

lol...see that's one of what I mean by "weird interests" -- I really don't do video games or any other typical nerd stuff.

lol... you made me laugh out loud there. Thanks needed that lol...

I suppose having weird interests are better than no interests lol

Still... you are very well spoken in your posts and very sharp (as in intelligent) in your responses. I admire that a lot. If that means anything I don't know lol. I happen to lack enough brain power to instantly have good responses... I responded to your post mainly for support more than anything...

Really do hope DC is good for you.

Well, thanks. You're really sweet.

My ideal career would be as a professor of public policy/economics from a socialist perspective in Vancouver, Shanghai, or some place in Europe where people talk about obscure intellectual stuff at cafes all the time (like Paris or parts of Italy).

Unfortunately, I have probably gone too far down the "professional" path to be able to do this. Maybe when I'm older, have some work experience in D.C. (actually it will be in economics), and more convinced what I really want to do.

Have gone to Paris twice.. and twice I felt just as out of place as in the USA lol... but it doesn't help when you can understand a bit of French spoken to you but totally fail at speaking it lol... (that and your spouse gives you an obsolete currency and sends you off to a cafe alone lol... that really wasn't funny lol)

I think that you would do well there or any of the places you listed... I am sure you will get there when you are ready

Hope you have a good night. Bedtime for me.

I feel this way too! I enjoy the friends that I see casually and love having them around, but I am always afraid of being seen as too weird if I reveal parts of myself that have to do with my special interests. I think this is a legitimate concern though when making friends: you don't want to reveal too much too soon, and you do need to talk about superficial things before you go into the deeper and weirder stuff (unfortunately!).

Also, you're right on the ball with what you said about "normal" and "weird" people: although there are interests that often straddle the line between both these categories. Most people I know who play video games are also into mainstream culture, whereas most people I know who are into cooking are a lot more intelligent and not really into mainstream stuff...maybe it's different where you are from or you just know different people.

Also, it's totally okay that there are some Aspies you don't connect with...a label doesn't guarantee you'll get along perfectly.

NT-style friendship is a very gradual process...this is something I have just figured out recently. Aspie friendship is much more flexible...but with NTs you start with the basic stuff, like where you're from, what you have in common, hobbies, daily lives, etc, and then you move to the deeper stuff. This is normal, but unfortunately many of the friendships a person has tend to stay at this level. However, usually a person has a few friendships that are close and often this involves sharing private and personal things about yourself. I have a few of these friendships, and these people know about some of my special interests.

My advice is to stick with the friendships you have and allow them to grow closer, and be patient if they don't open up right away. Avoid people who don't seem to move beyond small talk. Stick with the people who you feel would be most likely to accept your special interests if you reveal them...perhaps you have some friends into politics?

funny thing is, a good percent of male friends, never shared the same interest as me. ( a few have) most of the times
they just tell me all the stuff their into.

back in high school, I always had male student who come up to me and start talking about their camping adventure, their favorite movies,
or whatever.

Basically I just listen.

Or all of them, if you're like me.



Not sure I have any where it isn't painful and exhausting to talk to the people because we have little in common, and there isn't much to talk about. I once knew a guy who was basically like me and shared most of my interests; we definitely were like best friends. This is when my social skills were much, much worse.

It's not just about social skills. I think a lot of friendship is having common interests, and it's a bit hard to find them. I am also more interested in the policy side of politics, rather than grass roots stuff, since I don't really identify with a U.S. political party, and I have "extreme" views such as rejecting the concept of private property.

Oh, I also had no trouble making Chinese language and culture a special interest when I lived in China for a year and a half. This helped me immensely with making friends. A lot of people there were also interested in things like public policy and global affairs, just like me.

I wonder if I should just work in D.C. for a few years, then pick up a PhD in economic policy, and live out my years as a professor at the flagship university of some socialist/communist third-world country. That would be awesome. Beijing and Hanoi are very political, too. I have a knack for getting insular Asian cultures to accept me, kind of like Lawrence of Arabia with Arabs.

See...it's like I'm drifting through life with no self-awareness, unsure of what I really want to do, maybe until recently .... when it's gotten clearer, but it almost seems like it's too late. And I'm not sure how I would even go about changing course in order to find an environment more suitable for me. I just feel kind of lost.

Those shows don't exactly get the biggest Nielson ratings (except for TBBT, which I was under the impression that it is still extremely popular), but there's also quite a few people who are fans of those shows. And (possibly) even better, most of those shows you mention tend to have more of a "cult" audience than a casual audience, who really care about the shows, like you do with Fringe and Game of Thrones. Perhaps most of those who also like those things will tend to trend a bit "nerdier" than you what with video games and such, but there's plenty of big fans of all those shows out there.

On a semi-related note, have you seen the GoT season 3 premiere? What did you think of it?

Funny thing here is....I'd be thrilled to deal with someone with (some of ) Tyri0n's interests.

I mean, I prefer GoT and Boardwalk Empire (probably House of Cards if I watched it), but politics and legal/administrative matters are interesting to me.

I actually love those topics and would have a ball chatting up with you about them. In some of my hypomanic periods I would speed read through piles of books on topics like that in the bookstore. Don't ask me specifics as I merely retained information in abstract form (I tend to read things and process them as abstract designs). I enjoyed reading books on perception, cognition and reality (altered or otherwise). I also like reading books about the cognition of other creatures as they compare to humans. Social dynamics are endlessly fascinating and I find politics interesting the way a car wreck on the highway is morbidly fascinating. You are not alone!

I think you have tons of self-awareness right now. You have a good grasp of what you want out of life, and what you want out of your friendships with others. I think that the possible future plans you`ve made for yourself are excellent ones, because I think you'd be happiest if you were surrounded with people who share your interests...and it would also work for you as you`d be able to make a living off your interest as well. This is what you need to be aiming for. If you`ve had more success making friends while sharing your interests, this is what you need to capitalize on.

Going to university in your field of interest will also allow you to make connections with others who have the same depth of involvement in your interest as you do. Because your interests are so specific, you may need to move on from those who don`t share them if you feel like you`re being restrained, because the people in your life may not accept them if you bring them up.