What do I do???

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Hello. I am 17 years old with Asperger's syndrome/autism...What I'm about to tell you may come across as weird and embarrassing but here it goes...I had a crush on this girl when we were best friends 12 years ago in Pre-K you know, best friends. After that year, you know, I moved away back to the city where I lived before I moved to that city, you know. She was one of the most accepting people and was a lasting influence even to this day. I never forgot about her one moment in time, even through the darkest moments in life, I'd think about her, you know. 10 years later I find her on Facebook, looking even more charming and beautiful as I had imagined before. Then I found out she got piercings on her belly, and she said she's a Christian? That and the fact that I was jealous she was with someone that in my opinion was a lot better than I am. Athletically fit, ego that reaches the ceiling probably. I was jealous...I told some friends about this, they told me all these things that may or may not have been true about them, so two years later, I finally got sick of it...She and what she and he was posting was raising my blood pressure and making me more stressed out. Because of autism and such, I have hard time with feelings and such you know, but I don't really like using that as an excuse. I confronted her about it, and this was the copy of my FB message to her. I had never seen her in person since 2001.

Me: I have a bone to pick with you, and there are a few reasons why. First of all, being that you got a body piercing, I mean, who gets a body piercing at 14 years old? Who? It's ridiculous, because in my opinion its disrespect to your body, and that and tattoos are against God's word in the Bible. Why you would even think about that kind of bull crap? To make you look cool? Dude, after you graduate or drop out, being cool is not going to matter anymore, people are going to look at you like you're weird. Body piercings are not “cool and amazing”, they are for people who are pathetically desperate for attention, and people who are trying to be “cool”. Don't give me that bull crap that “Oh, those people on Jersey Shore do that, they do this,” so you wonder why some of those people have been arrested? “Yeah, but their fun to watch while their ruining their lives.” To be quite honest, Jersey Shore and its ideas make me want to puke, I'm sorry. Second of all, I think you're going out with someone who is well, undescribable. Do you ever read what is on his twitter account? Through the past couple of years, I've noticed that he made “good Christian comments relating to God” on Facebook, getting people to think he's the nicest guy, but if you read his twitter tweet log, he wrote stuff about drinking alcohol, and one or two sex jokes? Really? Why would you go out with somebody who is possibly drinking illegally!? That's weak...Reminds me of the path my brother went down, he drank a lot and partied a lot. You know what happened to him? He committed suicide in 2004 and died at the age of 24, 4 days before my 9th birthday. Yeah, ouch! Why you would choose to go out with someone that's 3 years older than you still in teen years even, and an alcoholic, goes WAY beyond my comprehension. Well, I'm fixing to take you off my friend's list, but before I do so, I have been holding some things back I meant to tell you long ago. First off, I had a crush on you for the past couple of years, and possibly before that, cause you're pretty and seemed to have a pretty good personality, and you taught me some good social skills last time I saw you (lol), but as I've seen more of your Facebook posts recently, you've turned into someone who's pretty much out of control, and lost. I feel very sorry for you. Back when I added you on my Facebook, I had to almost completely changed who I was, to try to please you and try to become friends again in real life. I really really wanted that, and at the time would do anything and everything to get it. I would've helped you and gave you advice if you needed it. Why? Cause I'm a nice gentlemen. Every time I saw something of yours on Facebook, and every time I generally think about you, I get very very stressed out. Blood pressure runs high, it makes my day horrible. No more. At least I have respect for my body, I'm straightedge (No drugs, no alcohol), I'm a clean person with no diseases, except Autism/Asperger's (not hereditary and its really a disability) and I don't try to be cool much for other people, like I used to...I talked to a counselor about you last year, he said to let it go, my friends say let it go, so I'm letting it go. In no means was this message to harass you or anything really, I just feel like I needed to get this off my chest. Do NOT tell me I am being pathetic, because in all honesty, you need to look at yourself in the mirror, and if you don't think what you are now is bothering you, you obviously need to have your head checked at the psycho ward...Seriously...Come on...You're better than this. A LOT better than this...Wow... I wish you nothing but the best in the future, but I have a life I'm going to make something out of. WOOOOOHHH YEAAAHHHH!!

Her reply was this: Please do not ever talk to me again. That message was unnecessary and very disrespectful. I appreciate your prayers. But I don't need a pity party. I'm happy with my life, and most certainly my boyfriend. You do not know me well enough to where you have the right to talk to me the way you did. I have not spoken to or seen you in years. About my belly button piercing, you're absolutely right, the bible says do not pierce your body. But if you're going to out me, you may as well out everyone. You know others with any type of piercings just as well as you know me. I could care less about being “cool“. I chose to get it done because I wanted it for myself. It's an opinion and I don't need anyone telling me what they think. About my boyfriend, you don't know me so you definitely don't know him. He's a good guy and he treats me great. He's human just like you & I. I don't have twitter nor is it my place to judge him or anyone else's posts. And “illegally drinking“ may be wrong but what average teenager doesn't. But I'm sincerely sorry to hear about your brother. Age is just a number. He's 2.5 years older than me. And he's most certainly not an alcoholic? Your comprehension must be way beyond my thinking because you act like people who have a 2-3 year age difference can't be just as happy as someone with a 1 year difference. I'm happier with him than I can imagine. I'm offended by your message, and it was in my opinion harassment. I am not out of control nor lost. I'm happy and content with my life and who I am. I make my parents proud, and I am going to be successful. I need to look in the mirror and go to a psycho ward? Seriously? That's dramatic and sounds insane. Thank you for your best wishes and best wishes to you also. You live your life, and I will live mine. I had no problem with your generosity or kindness until now. I don't meant to hurt your feelings but please do not contact me again. I spent weeks thinking about these events...

I did my best to apologize through this response: You know what, you're 1000% right...I had no real right to do that...I know, you live your live, and I live mine, but before I leave, and I said on my other profile I was leaving FB for a long time to come...I want to apologize...I was upset over something that wasn't really, I dunno...but whatever I said, I'm sorry...It cost me a friendship...I knew this day would happen...I apologize...*tears up* I know, you won't forgive me, I went too far, but I want to tell you again I'm sorry...I was wrong, I really was...I don't know how else to describe it...I predicted and was off by a long shot...Took things too far...I'm asking God to forgive...I'm asking you to forgive, but I know that will never ever happen ever...That message you replied back with, it was professional, I mean I was shocked and actually afraid and shaking, but you kept it rather than really, blowing up and cussing me out...I respect you for that...Thanks, and again I'm sorry...I agree I went to far with this crap...Big fat reality check...I'm out of here, thanks and Goodbye. PS I'm not mad at you...I'm mad at myself, and once again I blamed it on a friend and lost it...It's something I've tried to get counseling for..for years...it's an autistic thing I believe, but I don't want to use that as an excuse...You gave me that reality check, I appreciate it...makes me appreciate things a lot more, ya know? She then blocked me mere hours later...Like I became a foe in such quick time... After several months, she finally broke up with that guy, and I apologized and this time I didn't even send a friend request, because I just wanted to speak things through. This is what I sent: Hello. How are you doing? I'm doing alright, pretty ok. How about you? Anything good happen lately? Anyways, I would like to apologize for what happened last year with that note I sent, it was hurtful, upsetting, and well, it was “undescribable“ let's put it that way... I have quite a couple reasons I wrote it, it was partly because my brother had died several years ago after getting in trouble with the law over alcohol related stuff, and the week I sent the message, my other brother who lives on my dad's side in Carrollton got in trouble for alcohol related stuff and was going through much of the same stuff, and we were going through rough times, I'll stop there, but I will say this though, he has been able to turn it around, and I'm proud of him for it. I thought I was doing something right at the time writing that message and “trying to teach some sense into you“, but well, experiment failed. Big time...
I also want to apologize for being a jerk to you and everyone else and just the narcissism in general, I realize that even though part of the message may have been true in some areas , I still should have kept my mouth shut, and not tried to force my way up into everyone's business for attention, and often for attention only, which was also pretty low looking back imo. I also felt like I had bragging rights and thought I was God (not really, but you get what I mean I suppose), and I used to force my face into everyone's business. And we all know how that turned out, right? *rolls eyes* To my knowledge, I know it wasn't good. lol... at all...lol I wasn't myself in conclusion because of those stupid idiots I hung out with who told me that it would be “wonderful“ to send the first message in the first place, that it was “beautiful“! Beautiful my arse, I hate what I did looking back...What a joke. Anyways I want to apologize for everything that happened, and well, I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, and also please forgive me if I come across as saying anything stupid in this message, it's completely unintentional. I also promise that it will not happen again, ever. Thanks.

After that, I did not receive a response...She later blocked me on Twitter after being the stupid person I am, I decided to compare the events between the both of us and Brandon Hantz's meltdown on Survivor. I hate that this happened...I've been through a lot of backstabbing and bullying so much, I feel like even though last time I met her was 12-13 years ago, I feel like she's the only true friend I really ever had of the opposite sex. All others have either gossipped behind my back or bullied me through the years, and it's stuck for a long time psychologically. Through the rough times in 4th Grade when my teacher and other students were treating me like garbage, I could only think of “What would she do if she was here with me?“... I feel like I have an obsession over her not because I have a crush on her, but for psychological reasons...How do I cope with this and how do I make things right once and for all? I know I have no chance, but I have no idea how I'm going to get over this. Your advice in this case would be very appreciated and valued. Thanks!

Well for starters, I wouldn't contact her again. Use this as a learning curve for yourself and have faith in the future. Maybe you've figured out the type of person you want to be with. Keep your eyes and ears open and don't speak with such a strong tongue with another woman again.

Hopefully it's a lesson learned.
What can you do now? Buy some time.

I dunno if you've ever experienced it before, but have you ever felt like you did something stupid, and you feel like you've done everything that there is to do??? That is except one thing....That one thing that could turn things around?? But you don't know what that one thing is, you really have to dig down to jump to that? That's how I feel about this...I've never been one to "give up" at all, I've been able to turn around other situations with solutions that most people wouldn't bother thinking about using...I'll move on from it, but I have a feeling that this isn't even close to over yet, I dunno why, but I have that feeling... It's hard to cope with this, but you know, life goes on.

What do you mean by chance "Buy some time"? I'm curious.

Thanks!

In her 12 year absence you used your memory of her as a beacon. That's OK as long as you keep in mind that you were using that memory as a symbol of acceptance and not confuse it with the real person; with whom you were no longer in relationship. She - the real human being - was living her real life for the past 12 years, growing, changing and being her real self, outside of your sphere of observation.



Start checking in on reality as to other people, relationships and what is strictly only in your head. Start actively sorting that out as a mental/emotional health exercise. People are dynamic and cannot be contained within your own head. You can only relate to people successfully by actually encountering them in real life.

I am not saying that you should try to encounter the girl you wrote about. In trying to do so, you will enter (or continue) stalking mode. You already crashed her boundaries once due to not checking in with reality. Some mistakes cannot be reversed; they can only be compounded. You can only learn to not repeat such a mistake in current and future relationships.



Of course not; you have harbored some remembered essence of this girl in your own shell for 12 years and used it as your life-raft. It will not be easy or quick to jettison it. But what you nurtured in your shell has little (or nothing) to do with the real girl and that reality will prove to be inescapable. Identify the kernel of truth you nurtured and use that to replace the phantom girl you created in your imagination. Use this painful experience to turn yourself around. Profit from this.

You're absolutely right actually. I hate hearing these words "It's over", but I know that I have at least 70-80 more years ahead of me and before you know it, time will have flown by just like it has today. I can't do this anymore... I'm turning my life around for the better.... People consider me a hometown hero over here where I'm from because I've done a lot over here, but I feel like looking back I sold myself out, and well I thought I lost it all, but you know I'm slowly but surely getting a grip back on it... I am... i just got sick and tired of trying to please people after 8 years of work with helping people and not being appreciated that this, along with the obsession/compulsion of her mentally destroyed me enough to the point where anxiety took over and well I wasn't thinking straight at all... That has to end TODAY. Not tomorrow, not Monday, not Tuesday, not Saturday, but TODAY. There's no sense in letting anxiety take over, not any more...

Great. All the best to you.

Thanks! I know I have to move on, or I won't get to experience "the moment" if that's what it's called really... I've been stuck in the past for a long long time, now it's time to move on and make the most of life...Live every day like it's my last and make every day count.