"Coming Out" as an Aspie? Advice Please :)

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Hi All,

Hoping I can get some advice on what I suspect is a common problem: how to come out of the Aspie closet. I don't want to make some kind of general announcement, but there are a couple of people who have stood by me for a long time and deserve to know. I was diagnosed with Aspergers three years ago when I was in college and have never told anyone, because up until now it really wasn't necessary. (I was a math major, there's a lot you can disguise as "nerdy" behavior.) Now that I've graduated and am out in the 'real world', it's starting to be a problem.

Short version is still kind of long, forgive me...Specifically, I have a very dear friend who's sort of a combined teacher, boss, father figure, and BFF. I've known him since I was in high school and am now doing a year-long internship under his guidance. We're basically the same person separated by 35 years, and we've gotten along so well thus far because we've each sort of accepted the other person's personal brand of "weirdness."

A couple of months ago, I WAY over-reacted to a joke he made about taking the next day off work by "calling in suicidal," because - and this has always been a problem for us, but never on this scale - because I can't read people, so I can't tell when he's kidding or not. He struggled with depression for a couple of decades, and it's only the last couple of years that he's been properly getting better. I think that I really hurt his feelings by making him think that I might doubt him, if that makes sense. (Side note, suicide is not a thing anyone should be joking about anyway, but it's still a common expression so let's save that discussion for another time.) For the next week or so it's like he was being carefully, deliberately normal and cheerful, and I was just so grateful not to have lost my best friend over this that we haven't talked about it yet. Ever since then he's seemed more stressed out and when annoyed more likely to snap at me - which he has NEVER done before. Venting TO me, yes, but never at me. Which theoretically is just a complete coincidence and there's something else going on in his life that he's managed to keep a complete secret, but that's pretty unlikely.

I guess the bullet-pointed version of the conversation I'd like to have is 1)I'm sorry. 2) If you're upset about this - or anything else - that's fine, but please can you just tell me. 3) This is WHY this happened on my end, and while we're at it why I sometimes say completely the wrong thing or don't pick up on standard social cues, etc. 4) We're friends, so let's make a plan for future situations, which will hopefully not be this drastic.

I don't want to offer AS as an excuse, but at this point he does deserve to know. Maybe someone more veteran than myself in this department could say what worked as a coming-out strategy for them? Thanks in advance, and again sorry about the length.

Hi FryFan. Here's a little story.

A few months ago, for whatever reason, I started thinking about my friend from elementary school. We were both around 10/11 years old back then. When I found out recently he was on Facebook I contacted him. He took a few weeks to get back to me but he finally did. We said our hellos and other pleasantries in the first few letters to each other. Around the fourth letter I brought up the fact that I was Autistic, Asperger's to be specific. Guess what? We haven't spoken to each other since then. Just like that. Dropped me like a hot potato.

His behaviour didn't cause me distress or anything like that. I mean, we haven't talked to each other in 40 years then he just drops me like that. You know what? I've gotten used to that over the course of my life. In the back of my mind I expect anyone I meet will eventually turn their back and walk away. My social skills are the pits. It's almost guaranteed I will say the wrong thing in conversations and social outings so I avoid them. I guess my admission alone caused him to disappear because I didn't say anything wrong. Of course, if I did, I wouldn't even know.

It's not you, it's ableism. Sorry that happened to you. But at least you got along without him before you took up contact again, so don't let that worry you. It's no loss.

@OP: Maybe it isn't your fault. Your BFF is maybe not feeling alright (and the "joke" was a subtle indication of this) and that is why he has a shorter temper than usual. If you are close then you are going to see more of it than just some stranger do. I have no advice for coming out, but beware of ableism anyway (though you are the best judge to how he/they might take it).

Thanks for the support, Anomiel.

My advice for "coming out" as an Aspie?

DON'T!

With ignorant people everywhere associating AS with every sin and despicable act imaginable, you would be opening yourself up to everything from rejection and ridicule to discrimination and death.

^^^
On the other hand there are good people who would be more understanding of your quirks and faux-pas related to symptoms if they knew of your condition. The problem is figuring out who these people are.

But how are people supposed to have a counter-example if we're all in the closet? Sticking with the analogy of the gay rights struggle, it was very easy for people to believe every crazy thing they heard about gay people when they didn't know any (that they knew of), it was only when people started coming out of the closet that people went "hmm, I know several gay people and none of them are like that". It's the same with us, it's tough going for the early adopters, but it's necessary if we're ever going to overcome the stereotypes.

I've been "out" for years now, and it really hasn't caused me any trouble, even though as an outspoken Aspie gun nut I'm probably the worst case scenario as far as falling victim to stereotyping. I should note though that I don't introduce myself as an Aspie or even volunteer the information, but rather simply answer honestly if someone asks me about the pills I take, the meetings I run, my unusual recall and interests, etc. I find that if I mention that I'm a little bit Autistic in response to a question, people aren't quite sure if I'm being serious, but at the same time start to think about it, and then later when I confirm that I wasn't joking, they've had some time to observe me and recognize that I'm affected by Autism, but not controlled by it.

My last several employers, along with my co-workers, have known, all my friends know, certainly my family, and no one treats me any differently. With co-workers, I've really been pleasantly surprised at how many of them have immediately volunteered that they know or are related to someone with Aspergers, and how often their next statement has been that the other person they know with it is one of the smartest people they know.

I could tell you each and every single time I "came out" and there has been a ton. Long story, short story answer is the same. Do not ever let others know if you can help it. I have lost friends(people wanted to be friends with) jobs and more...only good thing ever came out of letting someone know was getting a college paper written about me.