Board index › Coping in life › Social Skills and Making Friends

"Ugly" Friends

Page 1 of 2 [ 17 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

jcarmel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2013
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 39

21 Apr 2013, 12:54 am

Here's the situation:

I am NT, my girlfriend has AS. She is from Taiwan but we live in America. She has a good job and I really want her to be able to make friends. She does not trust her coworkers to not judge her sexual orientation (although we live in Boston), so I have tried introducing her to my friends. That was when I noticed a pattern.

Whenever I introduce her to people, she comments on their appearance (often when they are still in the room) and then tells me that they are unacceptable because of some physical flaw (usually something facial, or a small bustline).

So here are my questions:
1. Is this (aversion to having "ugly" friends) an AS thing or a cultural/individual thing?
2. How can she make good friends?



Valkyrie2012
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 4 Mar 2012
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 432

21 Apr 2013, 1:05 am

I am not sure if this relates... but for me.. when someone has a "flaw" I notice my eyes are drawn to it - if I catch myself quickly I feel ok.. but when I tend to stare it is embarrassing... It isn't like I sit thinking "how ugly" it is more like wondering how it would feel to have such an affliction and how they are able to cope and how strong they must be for coping... I feel this rush of sympathy... It takes much more energy to be able to "actually listen" to these people talk because this inner banter that goes on. Hanging around with them can be debilitating cognitively and exhausting for the extra effort.

This feels rotten to admit.. but it is the truth. At least for me.

** edit - I can't tell you about making friends because I don't have any... but that is by choice and I am quite happy without any.



Troy_Guther
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 20 Mar 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 263
Location: Deep in the Desert

21 Apr 2013, 1:15 am

jcarmel wrote:
Here's the situation:
Whenever I introduce her to people, she comments on their appearance (often when they are still in the room) and then tells me that they are unacceptable because of some physical flaw (usually something facial, or a small bustline).

So here are my questions:
1. Is this (aversion to having "ugly" friends) an AS thing or a cultural/individual thing?
2. How can she make good friends?


1. No this is not an AS thing. That is an as*hole thing.

2. With unbelievably beautiful people, I would imagine.



jcarmel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2013
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 39

21 Apr 2013, 1:23 am

Troy_Guther wrote:
jcarmel wrote:
Here's the situation:
Whenever I introduce her to people, she comments on their appearance (often when they are still in the room) and then tells me that they are unacceptable because of some physical flaw (usually something facial, or a small bustline).

So here are my questions:
1. Is this (aversion to having "ugly" friends) an AS thing or a cultural/individual thing?
2. How can she make good friends?


1. No this is not an AS thing. That is an as*hole thing.

2. With unbelievably beautiful people, I would imagine.


Haha, well, thanks for the honesty!



jcarmel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2013
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 39

21 Apr 2013, 1:26 am

Valkyrie2012 wrote:
I am not sure if this relates... but for me.. when someone has a "flaw" I notice my eyes are drawn to it - if I catch myself quickly I feel ok.. but when I tend to stare it is embarrassing... It isn't like I sit thinking "how ugly" it is more like wondering how it would feel to have such an affliction and how they are able to cope and how strong they must be for coping... I feel this rush of sympathy... It takes much more energy to be able to "actually listen" to these people talk because this inner banter that goes on. Hanging around with them can be debilitating cognitively and exhausting for the extra effort.

This feels rotten to admit.. but it is the truth. At least for me.

** edit - I can't tell you about making friends because I don't have any... but that is by choice and I am quite happy without any.


I've heard some of my friends with AS (as well as some friends with ADD) mention a similar attentional tendency, which is why I thought my girlfriend's behavior was related to AS. Thanks for the insight!



Troy_Guther
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 20 Mar 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 263
Location: Deep in the Desert

21 Apr 2013, 1:58 am

jcarmel wrote:
Troy_Guther wrote:
jcarmel wrote:
Here's the situation:
Whenever I introduce her to people, she comments on their appearance (often when they are still in the room) and then tells me that they are unacceptable because of some physical flaw (usually something facial, or a small bustline).

So here are my questions:
1. Is this (aversion to having "ugly" friends) an AS thing or a cultural/individual thing?
2. How can she make good friends?


1. No this is not an AS thing. That is an as*hole thing.

2. With unbelievably beautiful people, I would imagine.


Haha, well, thanks for the honesty!


Hey, I'm not gonna hold back just because she's your girlfriend. It's probably best you recognize these things about a significant other early on anyways.



jcarmel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2013
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 39

21 Apr 2013, 2:10 am

Troy_Guther wrote:
Hey, I'm not gonna hold back just because she's your girlfriend. It's probably best you recognize these things about a significant other early on anyways.


I honestly do appreciate it, though! I need to know whether to approach something as a result of AS (in which case I am usually more sympathetic) or simply an individual thing.



Summer_Twilight
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,243

21 Apr 2013, 9:45 am

I think for your girlfriend, it sounds like you might want to sit down with her and express your concerns about the way she talks about other people.

You might want to let her know how icky she is making some other people feel and that the other people have a right to look whichever way they want.

Then ask if she would want anyone else feeling that same way about her as well and see how it makes her feel.

Although you are not going to change her as being opinionated, you could help her change her approach to how she looks at other people by being good guidance.



jcarmel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2013
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 39

21 Apr 2013, 4:59 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I think for your girlfriend, it sounds like you might want to sit down with her and express your concerns about the way she talks about other people.

You might want to let her know how icky she is making some other people feel and that the other people have a right to look whichever way they want.

Then ask if she would want anyone else feeling that same way about her as well and see how it makes her feel.

Although you are not going to change her as being opinionated, you could help her change her approach to how she looks at other people by being good guidance.


Thanks! I have talked to her somewhat, but I don't think I've approached it in the mature, understanding way that you are suggesting. I tried saying, "How would you feel if I introduced you to someone, and she objected because of your appearance?" She just kind of laughed at it.

I also need to be fair and say that she has improved over the last year. Now she usually holds the comments about the other person's appearance until after they have left the room.

I was also wondering if you had any further advice on how to approach the issue, but I really appreciate the insight you've given me.



Nick774
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 29 Mar 2013
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 42
Location: Seattle, WA

21 Apr 2013, 5:28 pm

I think there are two distinct things here: (1) being instinctively more sensitive to visual stimuli, including others' physical appearances, and (2) making judgements primarily based off physical appearances.

For the second, this may be more difficult for Aspies to instinctively refrain from, but it is something NTs do as well. This would be something your GF will need to work through, but this can only happen if she has a sincere motivation to open to more people and potential friends.



jcarmel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2013
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 39

21 Apr 2013, 9:01 pm

Nick774 wrote:
I think there are two distinct things here: (1) being instinctively more sensitive to visual stimuli, including others' physical appearances, and (2) making judgements primarily based off physical appearances.

For the second, this may be more difficult for Aspies to instinctively refrain from, but it is something NTs do as well. This would be something your GF will need to work through, but this can only happen if she has a sincere motivation to open to more people and potential friends.


I never thought about it as a two-part problem, but it makes so much sense! Thanks!



Tyri0n
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2012
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,879
Location: Douchebag Capital of the World (aka Washington D.C.)

21 Apr 2013, 9:20 pm

jcarmel wrote:
Here's the situation:

I am NT, my girlfriend has AS. She is from Taiwan but we live in America. She has a good job and I really want her to be able to make friends. She does not trust her coworkers to not judge her sexual orientation (although we live in Boston), so I have tried introducing her to my friends. That was when I noticed a pattern.

Whenever I introduce her to people, she comments on their appearance (often when they are still in the room) and then tells me that they are unacceptable because of some physical flaw (usually something facial, or a small bustline).

So here are my questions:
1. Is this (aversion to having "ugly" friends) an AS thing or a cultural/individual thing?
2. How can she make good friends?


It may be a cultural thing. At least in Mainland China, many people make comments, including negative ones, about others' physical appearance in ways that would be totally unacceptable in the United States.

Someone with AS may take this to an extreme, but it's important to note that even NT's may do it in her culture. I've heard people called fat, ugly, and all sorts of things -- people will tell a girl she needs to lose weight or get plastic surgery; very educated people don't do this, but even they love to talk about others' appearances behind others' backs. I'm not kidding.



jcarmel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2013
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 39

21 Apr 2013, 11:08 pm

Tyri0n wrote:

It may be a cultural thing. At least in Mainland China, many people make comments, including negative ones, about others' physical appearance in ways that would be totally unacceptable in the United States.

Someone with AS may take this to an extreme, but it's important to note that even NT's may do it in her culture. I've heard people called fat, ugly, and all sorts of things -- people will tell a girl she needs to lose weight or get plastic surgery; very educated people don't do this, but even they love to talk about others' appearances behind others' backs. I'm not kidding.


I knew the cultural thing was probably a factor. I have never been to Taiwan (her home country) but I have been to countries that have similar attitudes about physical appearance. (In Japan, many locals were kind enough to inform me that I need a nose job.)

Maybe the problems isn't even with her. She says these things when she doesn't want to be friends with a person, but it also damages my friendship with that person. I think this is a problem with me as well.



Madeline
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 25 Apr 2013
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 23
Location: Los Angeles, CA

28 Apr 2013, 8:04 pm

jcarmel wrote:
She says these things when she doesn't want to be friends with a person, but it also damages my friendship with that person. I think this is a problem with me as well.


Is she jealous or threatened by your friendships with the people she's criticizing?

Even if your girlfriend looked like Angelina Jolie, it still wouldn't be cool for her to belittle other people because of their looks. And since I doubt she's on the cover of People Magazine's Most Beautiful issue (no offense intended- I wouldn't be on the cover either), she should be aware that at some point someone might take offense to her rudeness and point out her own flaws right back to her or tell her to STFU.

Good luck. I can only imagine how tedious it would be to listen to someone badmouth people's looks all the time like that.



mikassyna
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2013
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,319
Location: New York, NY

28 Apr 2013, 8:10 pm

I assume you are lesbians and you are introducing her to your lesbian friends. It is possible that she is commenting on their physical flaws thinking that they will become less physically attractive to you, thereby reassuring herself that they are not a threat in case you might think they are attractive and potentially more than just friends. She may not understand that it is not going to have the desired effect, and may need that explained to her. I would be gentle with her, and tell her that she shouldn't feel threatened by them, that you are not attracted to them, and she doesn't have to put down their physical appearances in order to get reassurance from you that she is more attractive to you than they are.



ASDsmom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Apr 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 803

29 Apr 2013, 6:51 pm

Has she met any of your friends she found attractive? If she's only pointing out the flaws, it could be an insecurity thing. If she's pointing out both then maybe it's a social skill deficit.