I can't forgive my best friend. But he persists.

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Okay, this is pretty big. And there might be a lot of ableist s**t in this post (what he said to me). and talks of school shootings (Lanza), so.. yeah. Just a trigger warning I guess.
And I'm sorry for all the bad words.

Basically... I had a fight with my best friend. A huge fight where he spewed out all kind of ableist s**t to me and refused to listen to me when I tried to educate him.
It went like that.

It started when I discussed the episode of Glee, the latest one where the disabled kid (Becky who has Down Syndrome) ends up being the one who brings the gun. Needless to say, it is very stigmatizing. I used Adam Lanza's example to explain and that's when he started spewing this BS at me, that autistic people are violent and that autism was totally related to the shootings because once an autistic child bit him (wtf ?), blah blah. I tried to counter argument him but he just WOULDN'T. GIVE. UP. at this time I was starting to shake and to have a panic attack. He tells me I'm not a specialist anyway (well he is not either); and that I'm super annoying and stupid for sticking up for the autistics, and I'm not autistic anyway ! ! I answer that jfc dyspraxia is in the spectrum and I have autistic traits, and I have autistic friends and he can't just say horrible things like that ! How couldn't he realize how horrible it was ?

This is when he tells me I am "too concentrated on my disease” out of everyone my best friend tells me that dyspraxia is a disease. My best friend of six years. My best friend I talked to when I suspected I was dyspraxic. My best friend who went through the entire diagnosis with me. He tells me I have a disease. He's not even able to differentiate a disease from a learning difference and JFC I am an dyspraxic self advocate, I have two blogs about it. When I get super angry (and at this rate I'm heading to the meltdown) he tells me that it's basically my fault for not educating him. Like, EXCUSE ME ?? Is it that hard to ask ? Is it that hard to read through my blog ? I've always been super open about this, he has no right to say that.

So after that, meltdowns, sleepless nights, and I dumped him a whole message about everything he said that sucks and hurts because he kept asking. Like, he needed an explanation when to me it seemed super obvious how sh***y he was with me but whatever. He's been reading things about autism afterwards.
He replied to me, apologized (well it took forever though, I was waiting for him to do that immediatly) and told me he was being a dick because I've been neglecting him so he was looking for attention to get me to talk to him (do I give a s**t ? it's too late. congratulations.) He's trying to understand me blah blah. Too late.

Since then I've been avoiding every contact. I clearly told him I needed to be ALONE and AWAY from him but he keeps liking my posts on tumblr or reblogging like he wants attention again. He even reblogged a thing about autism (like he's educated now. STILL TOO LATE.). It just feels very hypocritical to me. I said I wanted to be alone.

But tonight he's been sending me anons on tumblr with questions about autism. At first even if I KNEW it was him (I recognize his english (we're both French) and his way of writing) I replied, but then I got overwhelmed and stopped. And that's when he dares sending me another anon saying he's just a random follower I don't know and who just wanted to know more !
YEAH. AS IF. It's like now he thinks I'm a total idiot for believing that and not recognizing him. I don't appreciate it. I feel betrayed ! Besides, I've set boundaries and he's not even respecting them.

I need time if we have to be friends again but for now he just keeps messing up and I'm so disappointed. I start shaking when I see anything written by him on social networks and I feel so, so angry and stressed. I set myself a lot of high standards with other people. I spend my time doing everything I can to avoid hurting them.
I expect them to do the same with me. It's really hard to gain back my trust.
He wants to be forgiven and to be friends again and it can happen if he stays away, but REALLY stays away and f*****g wait for me to come back if I want it ! I'm just mad now and I can't sleep at night. I'm so hurt.

And I don't know what to do if he keeps doing that. Right now, I just don't want to hear about him, EVER. I want to end the friendship forever but he's gonna keep persisting and in those cases the more people persist the more annoyed I feel.

... I really really needed to talk to someone. My girlfriend is only home tomorrow and I guess I couldn't wait. This is ruining my holidays.

be the bigger person. forgive him. tell him it was his only mulligan. if it ever happens again, write him off for good.

^^^
Or if you're really sure you don't want to be friends with him anymore and don't forgive him send him a message being very direct and explaining that you can't forgive him and don't want him to contact you again.

Dump him. That sounds exactly like someone I once knew and getting that idiot out of my life is among the best thing I ever did. You do not need people in your life who'll start tantruming every time they don't get attention. They're not worth it.
Just ignore him completely. Sooner or later he'll get it. There's no point in discussing with someone you want to leave you alone. That'll just make them realise they can make you keep in touch with them by challenging you again and again. You've already told him how it is, so as long as you're sure of that (fro what you said I wouldn't have any doubt, but that's obviously a decision you'll have to come to on your own), just ignore him so he won't gain by approaching you.

Sounds like he's mocking you too:



Ditch him. That's my 2 cents.

Sounds like a classic case of what I call a "nominal friend", DyspraxicPanda.

A "nominal friend" is an individual that claims to be your friend, but could care less about being, you know, friendly. I knew this one boy for awhile who fit the profile well. He swore at me, beat me up, and called me a ret*d very frequently. I'm glad he moved back to his home state. Now, I have a friend (since eighth grade) that actually gives a damn about me and shares a lot of my interests.

If you want my advice, stay away from the guy. Go fishing for people that have more welcoming personalities.

So anything this guy says to you is now an irritation to you?

Having been in a similar boat (It's not a very pleasant one sadly) I would say ditch him personally

You guys, I don't think that he's a bad guy. I mean, DyspraxicPanda, you said that he helped you get through your diagnosis and stuck by your side for 6 years. Has he always been a good friend? is this the first time you guys have gotten into a fight like this? I think that the things he said were totally uncalled for, but still.. people say things they don't mean when they're upset or angry. I'm not trying to take his side or anything, I'm just saying. Everyone deserves a second chance. If he does something like this again then you should dump him, though.
And for right now, just tell him that the things he said really hurt you and that you just want him to leave you alone for awhile. If he's a good friend then he'll respect your boundaries.

Both pieces of advice are very sound. If you can see yourself forgiving him there's no sense in dragging your anger and frustration out. Might as well talk to him but also explain why what he's doing isn't helping his case. It sounds like he's sorry and already eating a bunch of humble pie right now.

I agree. Good friends aren't easy to come by so no sense in losing a longtime friend because he made a mistake (especially if he's apologetic).

Maybe you should let him go. It sounds like you have exacting standards in mind. If he doesn't meet your needs, then why waste your time?

What sort of person just goes off like that for not getting attention? That's not normal behavior.

It's possible he has something undiagnosed......... In my experience If I get along well with a person that's usually the case (fellow Aspies, ADHD, bipolar, ocd, etc.) It also means that when there are real flair outs and conflict it tends to be very heated.

I think he has made an effort to try and show you he has taken a different side to things despite all the drama, I would advise you do not allow hate to fester to the point it isolates you.

This is a typical problem with lots of people on the autistic spectrum, we can be quite fixed in our ways and when another challenges this right or wrong we have a hard time forgiving them, but really we just end up hurting ourselves.

Give him a chance, the guy obviously feels guilty for what he said or had done, no doubt he had time to think about this, start fresh.