My social coping methods

Post Reply New Topic

I just recently realized I have AS and understand why I need to carry a mental manual of social interaction with me all the time. People always tell me I think about things way to in-depth in social situations. These in-depth thoughts though are the only way that I can smoothly navigate a majority of social situations. I thought I'd come here and share some of these techniques and tips that I always keep in mind when interacting with people.

One thing that always comes first for me is being nice. If you are nice to people and at least act like you value them, they pretty much have no choice but to like you. Even if you do not really like them, part of being perceived socially is how you treat everyone. If you distinterested in someone because you do not like them, you must still try to be nice to them as long as you must interact with them. For instance, acting out against the bully at school might actually make everyone around him rally against you. If you being a victim you need to act like one, which means you should show how upset you are, not how angry. Generally if you can show that the person is victimizing you, NT's with empathize with you and someone is bound to take your side. Acting out, especially violently, can create the impression that you are the attacker. In the same idea as a relationship, by voicing your own concerns or viewpoints might potentially offend people. If you do not know what will offend people, just keep acting really nice and agreeing with what people say. If people say that you act weird, laugh and say, "yea, I do!". Being able to laugh at your own quirks is important. If you get angry or upset when people point out something odd, they will likely think you are hiding something dark. People should value you for your uniqueness, and if you don't seem like a threat then they will. Threat is a very subjective word though. You can threatening many parts of a persons life, not just their physical well being. You can be a threat to what their used to, your honesty my be seen as threatening, or someone become jealous if certain people like you more. This happens often and is the most difficult part of being friends. Jealously can be especially bad, and if someone always seems to be a jerk when your with a certain person, you should probably not deal with them. If you are close to them, however, you should probably see what is wrong.

If you do something that upsets someone before they actually value you, then they might not want to deal with you . In this case, most NT's will simply not like you. Only a selfless act, especially in the eye of the public, will give you a chance of redemption. Keep in mind I said chance, there are quite a few people who are nasty and once they don't like you that's pretty much it. However even if someone values you, it is still possible to do something they do not like and lose your relationship with that person. When you make a blunder with someone you know values you in your life, an apology is the only way to resume the relationship if there is no communication.

An apology is a difficult thing to orchestrate, especially when someone is really mad at you. Often times you need to keep it short, sweet, and very sincere. If you do not sound sincere in your apology, then the recipient won't believe that you are actually sorry. No matter how logically you lay it out, or how much sense it makes to both of you, If there is insincerity in your voice then the apology might not work.

So how do you sound sincere or show that you care? The key for me has been focusing my thoughts. Many times we do not realize it, but our mind leaves clues to our intentions. For instance, you tell your friend you are sorry, but in the back of your mind you think how silly it is that I'm apologizing for something I don't understand. Even though it might only be a slight change in your voice, you focus slightly on that thought and it comes out. Instead when you apologize to someone, think about how much you would hate them being out of your life. Think about how sad that would be and how much you would miss them. Even if you don't get a flood of sadness, you should at least not be putting negative emotions in your speech. This also works in every aspect of life. Even if your mind is wandering while you talk, you unintentionally will give your voice a tone similar to wherever you are in your mind. For instance, I bet many of you get very bored when someone is engaging you in small talk. Even though you may nod your had and continue the conversation, more than likely you are thinking to yourself, "WOW this is so boring!". This though will find its way into one of your ways of communicating. Your face may look a bit bored, you may fold your arms,your breathing might slow, and many other very small subtle things.

It is also important to know when some values you. This can be tough to assess, especially since it can be hard to see past many of the signals. Someone who values you will generally want to spend a lot of free time with you. When they spend time with you, it should be something that you both enjoy. A friend should value your happiness as much as their own enjoyment. This includes topic of conversation. Typically with AS, at one point you will want to express your passion for something that your friend has no interest in. A good friend will at least sound interested in the conversation. This might not always be true, but when they see how much it means to you, then they should at least try to listen. They should also be able to confide in things in you that they don't tell others. This can lead to some confusion though. with many that simply see you as an outlet. Sometimes people are in a bad situation and feel they have no one to talk to. If you make friends with someone like this, being nonjudgmental and open to listening can make the person feel very comfortable with you. They will want to tell you everything and may even call you their "best friend'. While people like this seem like they value you in a incredible way, don't let yourself get too attached. Women especially might talk to you every day and tell you how happy that you are their friend. Then they find a boyfriend and you barely hear from them. This is not something personal, it's just that when someone is sad and alone, they need someone to hear them out. If you provide an outlet for them, they rely on you more than they should. Once a better replacement comes along you simply take backseat. Don't get discouraged by such experiences, merely try to figure out their motivations. A big red flag for this situation is when the person becomes friends with you very quickly, especially when they talk about a social circle, or best friend they just left. More than likely you are now the better replacement.

Reading body language is just as important. With AS you're better off just sticking with the more overt signals that people send. It is important to tell where someone's body is in relation to you. If someone is far, or seems to always keep a slight distance, they may not be fully comfortable with you. Do not take this personally as many people keep natural defenses up. If someone is a more physical then their defenses are lower. Lowered defenses may mean that someone is on the offense. Excessive touching, especially in an aggressive manner, could mean that someone wishes to exert control over you. This is typical of someone who is making fun of you or working against your interests for their own. Body language is very confusing and can be hard to interpret. If I feel it gets too complex, I'll try to remember the entire instance and think about it after the fact. This is especially useful for my interaction with girls. Often times I will try to have a brief conversation with a girl I like. I might ask her give her a compliment or two and see how she reacts. I focus more on what she is doing. Then after the fact I will analyze what I thought her behavior meant. If I am still unsure I'll think of a couple more things to so to her and see how she reacts. It is fully possible for a person with AS to SEE the language, it just requires that can they learn from interactions and at least gain a rough knowledge of body language. As far as I can tell, even though I have learned a great deal about body language by observing, it is still very hard for me to make an instantaneous judgement on body language. Just use your logic to figure out anything that seems off or different to you in the way someone acts.

I remember when I was in elementary school I thought that people could read my mind. I had this intense paranoia that everyone could read my mind and I couldn't hide in my head. I began to just make random noises in my head as interference when I would speak. This didn't work too well for communication but I found out how important it was that I not let my mouth run without my brain. With AS, it is important to think about what to say before you say it, or else what you say may not convey the inner meaning. Sentences must built, they do not form naturally, unless they come from one's interest or thoughts. What I mean by this is when creating a sentence, you may add or leave things out and assume on their meaning. You might not choose the right word, not because you were unclear on it's meaning, but that you view it as what it is, not what it is perceived as. You may not see calling a African American person black as bad, because their skin is in fact dark. However if you used that term as white male, many African Americans will assume that you are being racist and actually pointing out that they are black. Situations like this are generally the worse case scenario and more often is a misconception that both parties can actually laugh about. Don't worry about getting it right on the first try. When I was young, if someone took something the wrong way, I would ask my mom or dad why. Eventually I would just ask the person what they thought I meant. If they are your friend, or just a nice person, they should have no problem answering any questions. Don't worry about seeming stupid, you probably know a lot about something really cool that they don't. Sometimes even pointing out how funny it is that the person added all this extra meaning to what you said can turn the tables a little bit and make you feel more comfortable. You should only do this when what they assume is ridiculous. If it is a social norm, the person will most likely inform you. Learn from these experiences of being corrected. If you can understand it you can at least avoid confusion. Now when I'm about to say something that can be misconstrued, I give myself a quick check and see if it applies to the context. If I don't know how to say it I'll take the time to think about it for a bit. It might slow the conversation a little bit but it's much better than me saying something crazy.

The most important thing of all is confidence. I feel a lot of people with AS find it much harder to keep their confidence level up. It is hard to have confidence when you feel you cannot communicate with people. It is important that you focus on who you are, not who you are socially. So what if you suck at talking to people? If you are willing to make a conscious effort to improve yourself, you will eventually see results. It becomes hard to learn if the real reason for being socially isolated is that you are too afraid to talk to people. Finding good friends first is key. Without someone to pick you up when your feeling down, it's hard to want to do anything. Look to those that are misunderstood and you should find someone who at least socially feels the way you do. I went into high school and became friends with all the nerds and weirdos. From this group I had to confidence in who I was to at least try new social contexts. I always been obsessive about pretty girls, and dreamed of being a lady killer that could go home with any girl I wanted. It was this drive that made me seek out new social situations so I could get better at talking to people. I have tried at failed many times, but I went from a chubby, socially inept, nerd to a still nerdy, social butterfly that has many friends. I can't quite go home with any girl I want, but I have found how my strengths as an aspie actually give me many advantages with girls. My attention to detail means that if a girl changes something about her I notice right away(BIG PIECE OF ADVICE: If you take the time to learn fashion you can REALLY impress a girl by noting what the changes were, just make sure she knows you're not gay first or she might think that as well.) and my honesty means that girls I like that I can tell them how I feel as long as I focus on that feeling.(SMALLER PIECE OF ADVICE: always tell a girl she looks good, unless she looks TERRIBLE and you are very close to her. This is where that fashion thing comes in again, as you might be able to tell them what they should wear, in which case they will love you.)

I'm getting too carried away with girls. Like I said before I'm obsessed. Point I am trying to make is that having AS makes you a great asset in any relationship. Honesty and another way of thinking is valuable to anyone. Just remember what you bring to the table, and just keep on working through the communication barriers. Keep learning from experience and make sure that you keep your social goals straight. Never try to just be popular as it will never work. The only way to truly connect with people is by allowing them to feel comfortable around you. Search for meaningful relationships and remember your differences. Through this you should be able to live a socially satisfying life.

I hope to create a sort of guide that give an aspie a good manual to read growing up and even as you get older. Feel free to add your ideas and ways of dealing with things. I look forward to see this thread grow.

thanks this helped me to a significant degree

Yeah I think through social situations a lot. And I conceptualize how I should act but going through with it is very hard. I'm actually pretty good at giving advice but bad at following through with my own advice. I know a lot of things conceptually.

That pretty much how I've felt for a long time. I can break down social situations really well for people. I would say the thing I worked on the most is talking to girls. Figuring out whether or not they liked me was so hard. I can remember a good number of girls that actually liked me but I was none the wiser. I feel like I know a lot but there are so many possibilities socially you are always learning. I give someone some good advice and then their shocked when I make my own silly social blunder. I usually just laugh it off though it nothing bad comes of it.