I attract negative and depressed people, why?

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Hey,

A few days ago I met this guy online and it was nice! We chatted and all... but now I'm growing already rather fed up with him. He's depressed and very insecure, meaning he takes EVERYTHING personally and he's starting to lay claims on my spare time. Shortly said:

He expects me to talk to him whenever I'm at home, and whenever he sends me a Whatsapp message.
I suppose this is because he just finished his school exams so now he's off school. But I'm tired, I got other stuff to do, I'm not married to him so why spend 24/7 with him? Im ok with chatting and having contact (even a lot), but I don't like how he's almost demanding it. And I can assure you he'll take it personal if I say I need to be left alone.

I stopped talking to my last friend. I know he can't really help it, but all he'd do was expecting me to be interested in his depression and medicines. Those were the only subjects as he grew depressed. Evening after evening the moaning. Yes, I know he feels horrid, but it's a burden I can't bear. Especially not on my phone, getting messages about him and his depression and nothing but that.

My bf is extremely mentally ill- see my posting history for that.

A friend before that at the end started blaming me for not curing his depression.

There's just 1 person that hasn't acted like this yet. Note: There've been WAY more people like that, but that was earlier, this is recent stuff.

And I just hate it! I attract unstable, depressed people with a lot of issues. At first the contact seems nice but then it goes wrong. All the time.

It's actually rare for me to find anyone to have an equal ''relationship'' with, where I don't feel like I have to help them and wait for better times, or where the ''attention'' is equally shared. Because most of these ''contacts'' are sucking energy and are all about the other person.

Why do I attract all these unstable and mentally ill people? I feel fine mostly and after I learned to deal with my bf's situation, I'm fine most of the time and emotionally pretty stable. But I mostly seem to befriend people who want a lot of personal attention and who just have a lot of issues.

Edit: I often feel like I'm a psychologist when I'm online for chatting, and all 3 of these mentioned people (except for the one who acts ''stable'') are to quite some extent suicidal.

Not to sound critical, but maybe it's you?

Like attracts like. People think I'm such a downer based on my outward appearance, and it seems to attract similar people....even though I'm not depressed.

Add in that I try to be open and understanding (something rarely shown to me growing up), and it seems others find me easy to confide in. Before you know it, they're leeching off of me for support.

Unless a positive and outgoing person realizes I'm somewhat "flat affect" all the time, that type of person tends to avoid me thinking I'll be a downer.

Strangely enough... that's possibly not it! This last guy actually said he desires to become more like me- kinda cheerful. I usually feel fine and most of these people come from the internet... perhaps it's that?

I had the though of like attracts like... but it isn't that obvious. At least, not for me. I'm usually much mor in the mood for some nice things and laughs, and deeper subjects such as politics, philosophy, science, etc etc, but not all the ''depressive'' things. Nor do I ever mention the subject... (I don't really feel a need to discuss issues I don't suffer from, and haven't in ages)

So I don't get it!

They want me to listen to them all the time, be there all the time, and it's just so one-sided, even to extreme extents (in the past, as well as a guy I now avoid speaking to) Maybe I give them the sense I like talking about their issues *all the time*? Dunno...

But even then, the strange thing is: They seem to come to me like a magnet. Almost *EVERYONE* I get to know deeper and better has some quite severe psychological problems and almost every stupid time I think this person is fun and we might have a good time.

I don't get it

Some people are just looking for anyone to attach themselves to. They sense a willing ear, and wrap their tentacles around you. I've had my share of these, and I think the biggest red flag is when they're giving you a life confession in the first five minutes of meeting.
I will never knock anyone for their issues, because they're just a part of life. I just ask for some independence. I recently let someone know emphatically that I am not his mother, his wife, or his superior, so I am not culpable for his actions and I don't make his decisions. Not proud of the way I went about it, but it really needed to be said.
Maybe there's a way to turn the subject away to more pleasant areas? Or a conveniently timed..."oh, whoops, gotta run!"

Because Aspies, actually, somehow radiate tolerance. I don't know how or why-- but I know at least some of us do. Every depressive in a place is going to fasten on to me (unless they are very driven by looking normal-- and I have even been fastened onto by "uberNTs" in desperate need). Or we radiate desperate, and therefore somehow safe.

Not coincidentally, depressed people basically radiate the same thing. Someone who's down on their luck will be a lot more likely (in general) to be tolerant of someone's faults and foibles, because they don't exactly think they hung the moon themselves.

I also find that the less depressed I am, the more likely I am to have the latch-on happen.

My girlfriend in high school?? Abused, neglected, bulimic, bipolar and in a depressive state that lasted for years. Also an emotionally abusive control freak who wanted to own every minute of my spare time-- I think I was the first person ever to show her any affection, and let's face it, if you're that far down and someone makes you feel better, you're going to latch on like a starving tick.

She really didn't like it when I told her I'd realized I was straight. That sucked. We stayed friends for years, though, and it turned out OK. It was really, really, really hard enforcing and reinforcing and reinforcing that I would not be there all the time, that I would talk to other people look for other friends and go out with other friends and she had to be nice to them if she wanted to come along. It got nasty, but we got through it.

You HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO set that limit. If they threaten you because of it, cut off contact. If they're nasty about it (and most of them will be), call them on it. If they end the friendship over it, that's their choice.

My second boyfriend couldn't deal with anyone getting a cut of my time ahead of him-- including my own father. He couldn't handle me wanting to spend time alone. He also couldn't handle me having opinions, and constantly made me feel stupid(er) when I misspoke or was misunderstood. He liked me dependent, willing, and quiet...

...and that relationship lasted for a summer. No more. I was lonely and desperate and figured I'd spend the rest of my life alone, but I was the one to end it. I couldn't take it, and he couldn't take me.

I made a personal committment to live life on my own terms. Started joining things-- or at least going to informational meetings about joining things-- and making a hard rule that I had to exchange at least five lines of conversation with ten strangers five days a week (and captive audiences, like classmates and cashiers and servers, didn't count-- I had to "cold-call" people I met on the street).

Enter DH. It was the same scene. He had other reasons-- "I don't want you getting hurt." "You're just going over there to get high." "They're crummy people." "I just want to know where you are." He was 18, 1000 miles from home, on the point of flunking out of engineering school, with nothing to go back to but demanding and hypercritical parents. He was drowning and so was I and we ended up being each others' life raft...

...and don't romanticize that. It's been a b***h b***h b***h of a road. There's been hate and resentment and abuse (on both ends). There have been a lot of good times too. BUT-- DO NOT-- underline that-- DO NOT make the mistakes I did.

1) Do not tolerate it. I mean, tolerate it-- don't chuck them just because they're needy-- but don't feel guilty or whatever and give in to it. Set those limits, and stand by them. "I love you, I like you, I enjoy you, I think you're swell. I mean that. But right now I'm going to _______________________. I will talk to you ____________________________." And then go. Don't answer the phone. Don't return texts or acknowledge tweets or whatever.

I eventually ended up making a rule with Hubby, even. If I'm out with the stated goal of being alone, he can send a text. If he has a direct question, I will give him a direct answer. If he has an emergency, I will come home-- but it better be a REAL emergency, not "I burned the rice and the baby has a temperature of 100." More like "I blew up the car and we're stuck by the road" or "The baby has a temperature of 103." If he's being eaten alive by insecurity, he can text "I love you" and I will ALWAYS text back "Love you too" and mean it. But that's it. I will not carry out extended text convos; turnabout, I won't ask him to do it either.

And, excpet for the months I spent imminently fighting the desire to kill myself then and there that very minute, I haven't.

2) Don't hide, lie, sneak, cut class just to sit alone on a park bench and look at the leaves, or in any other way try to get what you need/want while avoiding conflict. HAVE THE DAMN CONFLICT and get it over with. If the relationship survives, everyone benefits. If it doesn't, it's called PRUNING.

Wow, thanks a ton for the responses all

A thought came to mind when reading some of the comments. Seems we like to bump into people who simply don't like taking responsibility for their own acitons and selfishly dump them on us as they see fit to do so. Some might even try controlling us since they see or believe that they can get away with it as well. When we resist, the guilt trip might start. Ring a bell to anyone?

I think it's an overall friendly and inviting personality paired with talking extensively to others on the main boards that lures them. I'm not sure.

Over the past few years I've become less of an outwardly sensitive and engaged person online and have almost completely stopped attracting attention, especially from these people. I used to be very "cutesy," using emotes all the time (:3) and talking to everyone everywhere. The few people I befriend now tend to be keepers, with a few that just didn't click in-between.

Cloud and Townsend have put out great books.

Boundaries & Safe People.

It means we can learn how to actually choose who to mix with - who is safe for us and warning signs of unsafe people.

In black and white. Easy peasy. We are doing this for our kids too.

Best wishes, and if you do wish to consider these, i hope they work for you.

xx

I've often theorized that many aspies are actually fairly strong. The ones who desire social interaction, but endure ridicule and isolation, and don't kill themselves, can become fairly strong, independent people.

I believe this attracts others who aren't as strong.

A metaphorical, "clinging to the rock"

And yes, they cling to you. Since I got my own laptop and internet four years ago I met a lot of people online, and only now do I get that there's a definite pattern and not just bad luck. Most of them had several of the following behaviors:

-Most of the time talking about themselves and their issues.

-If you change the subject, almost ''agressively'' changing the subject back to themselves.

-Thinking you're ''friends'' because you endure their complaining about life etc. But the contact is just an energy drain without getting any form of satisfaction (socially/emotionally) yourself.

-They expect you to be there for them, always, to answer text messages asap and to talk to them when you're at home.

-The whole attitude is negative and they won't try or even consider *any* solution or new way of thinking, they just want you to listen and respond and be interested all of the time.

-They talk about suicide and loneliness a lot, and their failures. And if you read between the lines (...if I'm not mistaken, that is) it's a threat for if you're thinking about not talking to them anymore.

And after a while I just shut these people out. I left several chat mediums because I didn't feel like logging on again. So I was thinking that it's better to simply never become friends again with someone over the internet (despite the fact I rarely, rarely meet someone nice) because it's the same thing always. But perhaps I need to find a better way to avoid such types.

Thanks all for the replies I hope I can now, in some way, find new ways to find nice people. I want real friends.

Very interesting to see I'm not the only one having this issue.

What a great thread, this is giving me lots of perspective and encouragement in some unexpected ways.

I tend to fear I'm one of the needy ones, and inwardly I've felt like I've needed a lot of help recently, but I see some bright rays of hope via what's being said here.

It's caused me to realize, even while I feel like I need other people more than ever, I already have a strong inbuilt will not to make my problems other peoples' problems. I definitely do look for people to talk to, and I can really spill my guts on occasion, but I make sure to give people their time and space, and not demand that they have the answers or give me all their attention.

I have learned that if I can find just enough people to have an occasional conversation with, I can patch together all the hope and insight I need out of that. I have a councilor, friends and mentors etc., and I get my support and perspective by distributing my needs across all of them. None of them are my sole means of support.

Sometimes I'm still scared to depend on myself and think I will inevitably fail if I have to get myself there by my own bootstraps, but what helps is recognizing this kind of strength that I've already been utilizing.

Maybe confidence comes from knowing that there is always a "bare minimum" of personal ability and resource that I have and cannot lose, and that it makes me adequate and just as good as anybody else. From there, I just agree to do what I can for myself, and allow myself to be a social being who needs others too, and don't condemn myself for having to lean (briefly) on others once in a while.