Lost a Friend Again

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Ok, so where do I begin without writing a book? I have avoided forums for a really really long time. I just find it is easy to forget that when I am writing if I don't see you, that there are other people and not figments of my imagination, and at the same time can have a better grasp of if I am saying the wrong things or not,

And that's what happened recently. Recently a managed to make a new friend. We shared some of the same interests and I thought that was neat! So there was something I could talk on about without feeling lost for words. Well she is older than me and said that because we shared the same interests she would adopt me as her daughter. And again I thought UH OH.

I'm terribly afraid of rejection because it hurts to be rejected so much, and it is the story of my life. I feared that if she knew that I was 23, still living dependently with my grandparents, struggling with hygiene, social anxiety, depression, getting a job, verbal communication, all my anxieties and so on, and my struggle to articulate, and my past history of aggression towards other and self (which after getting lots of help for that I feel is no longer an issue, but I do feel like I have a responsibility to give people the whole story of my life and how I've changed to be who I am today).

So I tried to explain all this to her but apparently she didn't know how strong my issues were, until she invited me over to her place. And some new people came in and I became silent. I get really really anxious to the point of selective mutism because I don't know what to say or how to say it and have been rejected and backlashed against in the past for saying the wrong things, and I get anxious when there are more than 2 people in the same room who I don't know talking because I have to keep track of two separate conversation types and filters, like there is more rules to what to say and don't say. Then I have an anxiety with going to the bathroom when there are people around....soo needless to say this is where she realized that my issues are severe.

She had previously sent me an email to communicate. And I never expect anyone to reply to me because my emails are so long and detailed. We would have fun writing emails back and forth and she said I was funny (I didn't understand why but I like making people laugh!). And I loved her so much. Then one day she told me to stop writing long emails and began getting upset that I wrote so much---I felt like I was following her pace and that we had come up with a normal pace, and that this was it. This was after she left for a week and being excited about things going on in my head I would share them for her so when she got back she could read. I also wanted her to know everything about me because self-disclosure is what friends do, and I wanted no stone left unturned!

UGH. She told me she deleted all my long emails and would not read anything I wrote over two paragraphs---but I don't know how to verbally articulate myself in 2 paragraphs and yeah I can be repetitive, but I don't know how. But I tried and tried for her, sometimes managing 4 paragraphs. Finally she got sick and left to go on a trip for week, the plan was she'd come back and we'd HANG OUT. She promised we'd go camping but felt anxious because of my anxiety with bathrooms, so I told her to forget it we'd sort it out later. But the message she always said to me was, "When I'm done with school, I'll have more time to be with you, to write and hang out." I was SO EXCITED!! A FRIEND TO HANG OUT WITH.

My grandmother was worried, because I kept talking about her all the time. "When she gets finished with her paper she'll..." and "When she..." my grandmother said I latch onto new people and use the word friend so casually, like I just latch onto the word friend. But I don't understand are we not friends? She SAID we were friends and that we were more than friends? She said she wanted to be my Mom? And that she wanted to be there to help me with my social issues? So she must have meant it???? So I told her not to tell me who is and is not my friend because I KNOW, she told me she was my friend she LOVES ME!

But then she disappeared and didn't come back. During this time I accidentally stepped on my rat's spine, and my grandfather was dying who lives with us and was informed, he would be getting end of life care. My grandmother was worried about me not having any friends to go through during this time, and I said I HAVE A FRIEND I HAVE HER. As we both had talked about death before and she said if I ever felt suicidal or like I couldn't cope to call her! So I felt she would be there for me.

She had been really sick so I thought maybe she had died? When she came back she said to forgive her for being distant but that she was trying to unwind from school and didn't know what to do with her free time. She was going to hang out with everyone else...but me...and I thought But I thought she--we had talked about all these things??? Why was she going back on it now?

I told her I need a friend. And she gave me a list of rules. She said I have to take her out to eat and buy her dinner (I've NEVER worked a day in my life and am afraid of going to new places by myself), that she would not come over and just hang out, 'that was boring'...but last time she said she had a GREAT TIME WITH ME! So she didn't have a great time with me? She said and if I couldn't schedule an event for us to do, watch a movie etc. then she wasn't going to be in my life. I WAS DEVASTATED. WHAT?? I mean her email wasn't mean, I mean it wasn't...but I zoomed into she'd let me go if I couldn't be like her normal friends. "All my friends do it this way and I will hold you to the same standards" AHHH!!

I thought she loved me? I thought she--what about everything she had said before? All I was asking was to hang out even just once, once a month, would be enough! I was upset and lashed out at first, About being 'sorry about being so damn boring to her', I was hurting so badly. And she said stop lashing out, and I said I'm sorry I'm sorry I just don't know how to tell you that I am hurting. And I was trying to figure out how to explain it to her.

So that day I messed up. And she stopped talking. That night everyone started crying and I started crying because I couldn't cope. I wanted to die and reached out to everyone I knew had mentioned caring for me INCLUDING HER. Because I needed a friend just to hear their voice. We didn't have to talk about anything sad it could be anything just knowing someone is there and hearing their voice would have been enough.

She didn't reply. The next morning a friend I didn't realize I truly had called me. As I have a hard time figuring out who is my friend or not. She called me and I felt BETTER then so did my dad. So I wanted to explain this but TXT MSSAGE IS SO SMALL. She told me she didn't answer emails during the summer something she hadn't told me before (so why did she'd say we'd have more time to write and be together after class is over?). And only answered txts. So I wrote a letter and broke it up into text messages to explain with "I feel words" instead of the emotional response for the other day, to explain I was hurting and what I was really trying to say--and that if she didn't want to be my friend anymore I would like her to talk to me in person because I am having a hard time understanding in email and text messages all the inbetween the lines, and she is getting overwhelmed with my messages. Not once did she ever write back to tell me she understood, didn't understand, that she was angry with me that she needed space. So I didn't know if I was overreacting if my reading between the lines was WRONG or I didn't KNOW I didn't KNOW!

SO I finally manage to do get it right, and she emails me and she says YOU ARE STALKING AND HARRASSING ME, I WILL PRINT THESE EMAILS AND TXTS AND GIVE THEM TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO DISCUSS YOUR BEHAVIOUR! Ugh...never once did she say, "I'm overwhelmed and need some space, don't want to talk." And I didn't write anything unusual from my normal. When I felt like I was failing in txt, and needed more space I wrote an email for her in EMAIL but broke it up paragraph by paragraph to help her READ IT! I was trying to help her digest it because she said long emails are hard so I broke it up. And now I have lost a friend and don't know how to cope with losing a friend, and am so so sad, and so here I am hoping that someone will hear me.

I will be working on getting an official diagnoses as I am struggling to cope with having HFA/Asperger's and losing friends and maintaining them for stupid reasons like this. COMBINED with my depression and anxiety and grieving my grandfather's sickness it is all too much for me to cope with. I had asked her to call me because I felt we could talk it out in real time and I'd have an easier time and could ask her in real-time what she meant by things and I feel like I don't say emotional things the way I do in text, I'm less detailed verbally because have a harder time. And I wanted her to know that I was just sad not ANGRY at her and I was trying to understand and wanted her to understand---that's all that's all I didn't mean to hurt her, but apparantly I did?

So I told her that I was sorry, and that I didn't KNOW she felt that way she should have told me. I asked her if she could explain to me why she felt that way and help me understand--she didn't want to talk to me, said she felt harassed. I told her that's when I said I'm sorry and that I wouldn't contact her until she wanted and was like damn why didn't you tell me. I still have SO MANY QUESTIONS! I don't understand but most importantly I am so so so so sad. I won't contact her because she said not to, but I don't get what I did wrong.

I talked with my grandmother and feel better...I overwhelmed her and I'm sorry I did. My grandmother tells me she may just need space. But if she felt harassed then she feels unsafe, and that must mean her silence meant not talking to me. And that meant no friendship. The possibility of will she or won't she is too much, so I have to assume she is not my friend, so now here I am. I guess I am still trying to understand how to cope with losing another friend esp. once I loved so much.

I know this was TOO LONG, sorry sorry sorry. Just came here thinking maybe it might help.

Oh, gee, that's hard. I'm sorry. All I can tell you is that people flee when they feel someone is clinging too hard to them. They feel like they are suffocating.
This will be a stupid example, but it is the only one I can think of at right this moment. I once had two dogs that were way jealous of each other. They were always pressing on me, asking me to always think of and look at and pet only one of them. The psychic pressure got to be so great that I had to give one of the dogs away. I could not handle all that neediness sucking at me.
I know what it is like to think someone is a friend, and then find out they aren't. It is crushing. And discouraging.

yeah, well, I wrote you a nice (long) post that failed for stoopid reasons.

I can't remember what I wrote so I'll just say: go watch My Little Pony - Friendship is Magic
I'm not patronizing you, I mean it.
It's fun and informative.
It might help you 'cool your jets' on what I think may be a misunderstanding of what "friend" actually means/is and how atrociously rare the "quality version" really is.

if you don't mind a 'financial' analogy...
a friend is someone that'll probably loan you 5 bucks but start getting sketchy about $20.
the rare "quality version" would probably loan ya $100 but start getting sketchy about $200, depending; and you might meet four of these in you life.

you may think you're in this last category but I'd suggest that neediness coupled with high loyalty is more the reason you'd loan $200+ bucks.

Thank you Lelia, what I am confused on is I didn't think I was being needy, I mean maybe I was but I'm not entirely sure what being needy is supposed to mean because no one describes what behaviour I do is needy. And I think...don't we all need each other to some extent??? We're social animals, so we're all needy? So that confuses me. She kept saying she's not my therapist??? But I kept saying I never asked you to be. I SHARE a lot because I've been in therapy since I was 6 years old, and we did group therapy a lot. It's "All" I know. And I like hearing about her too and often ask, but had to wait to see her. But I can't help it and don't know how to not be this. I'm not sure what I was saying or doing to make her so mad because she didn't/wouldn't tell me.

And I am sad because I may never know and she may never love me and if I ask her she will be angry at me. But I want to ask: Why are you so angry with me? Why can't you tell me what I did wrong and talk to me?

I feel so hurt and even angry now too. I feel angry and betrayed and I don't know what to do except to cry. I think if only she knew how sad I was that maybe she'd try to understand what I was trying to do and say was not out of malice!

Even if she does not love me anymore and has washed her hands of me. I know now that I cannot cope with so much pain, and that I cannot go on like this anymore. I cannot live in a world that does not want me, where I can't fit in. But I CAN try and find professionals who can diagnose and teach me, as I feel like I will never be able to live independently on my own and that I will never be able to sustain friendships. And that maybe there are resources and people out there who can teach me what's normal and what's not...or maybe I should treat everyone like a distant friend, not sharing much.

I am just confused because aren't friends supposed to be there for each other when they're sad. I don't always say the right things and I don't ever expect people to make me better. I like pragmatic practical solutions to everyday problems that are built for me and I never expected to get that from her or anyone else. Every time I said I was hurting, she said see a counselor. But counselors are not my friend! I'm 23 and have had therapists since I was 6-22, and she's not that all. I always loved listening to her stories, I found them fascinating, I had so many questions and wanted to learn more and kept waiting and waiting. She said I was needy for asking for something she said she would give. I don't know if I can be close to people if they say one thing but mean and do another! And I don't know what this means for how I am supposed to be around people. Does this mean I cannot be myself?

I ask because the only successful relationships I have are where people have kept me at least an arms distance or where I have kept them at an an arm or more in distance. But people who get close to me really really close to me, run away like I am such a terrible person to know. And I think that if they were open to it they'd realize that I really truly am loveable and a great person to really really know! Not just on a surface distance level. at least that is what I thought by being my self with the people who let me in and who I could let in equally.

I am just so so confused and hurt at the same time and am not quite sure what to do with that feeling, because I want it to go away and not bother me. And I want her to stop changing and being inconsistent and to tell me it's ok we are friends, I just NEED SPACE right now. OR we are NOT friends anymore, and I need you to stop talking to me altogether.

But I don't know because she won't say anything and I have to assume that we are not? I don't know how I am supposed to react to that, what is the right reaction, what SHOULD I have said, what should I have done? I don't know what I was supposed to do! I just know I was trying so hard to help her understand so that she could clarify and help ME understand, so I could know if I was rational or irrational, and learn how to better respond next time...but I'm NEW to having friends and these things are new to me and I don't always react and do things the way people expect me to act.

I feel like I need SOME accommodations even just as a friend. But maybe I will always be just too much for people to befriend truly (not superficially)? I just kinda feel so weak and powerless about my life .

I looked up My Little Pony - Friendship is Magic, but could not find it. Can you link the one you were referring to?

I don't quite understand the money analogy. What does the 5-200$'s refer to ? Does sketchy mean they are flaky about being a friendship? When you say loan do you mean they are letting me borrow their friendship temporarily, and that the majority of friendships are about borrowing time in exchange for something back. But they get flaky about giving more? (sorry best attempt to analyze that)

Your story made me sad, because I can relate to a lot of it. I can never gauge those things very well. It's such a huge blind spot.
In my case, a lot is probably my own fault. My default is defense mode, because I'm always afraid of being manipulated, or misunderstanding a situation. If I freeze and wait it out, there's less damage all around. At least that's what my head always tells me. That's operating from fear, which is probably the least effective way to function.

Aw, Taodreams. Neediness. Your maybe friend may not be able to say things the way you want her to. She tried to tell you to back off in her words, which apparently did not communicate what she needed to say and you needed to hear.
I'm going to try to explain about neediness. You are not a bad person. But you are a needy person. All of us are from time to time, and some of us more than others. You have a desperate need to be loved. Most of us get enough love from a variety of people that we don't need to hang onto someone like we are drowning, but some of us don't get what we need, so we grab tighter and tighter.
Whenever you told your friend you were hurting, she felt emotional pressure to fix the problem. and then she failed. She felt bad about failure, and you kept giving her more problems to fix. She got overwhelmed. This is how I am interpreting what you are telling us, and I could be wrong. But I think your friend wanted shorter, smaller problems to fix. That way she could feel good about helping instead of feeling bad for failing.
Is there some way you can forgive her for not being able to communicate as well as you do?
Friendship is generally about feeling good around each other. Guilt kills that.
You might need to write your long posts here to possibly hundreds of people instead of to one person who might collapse under the weight.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. I hope I am not adding to it. But I think you need to see what happened so you can avoid this dynamic the next time you make a friend.
Do note that I am not a therapist and subject to error.

It is so good to know that I am not alone. I wish people could just be less BEND to me and more accommodating and understanding that I just process emotions differently. Sometimes I need a little help with people helping me communicate WHY I am upset and to use my words and sometimes it takes some time. But the average person is like, wtf...why should I do that for you, I'm not a therapist, this is too much BS, can't deal with this crap get out of my life. I also wish people could HELP me understand what I need to do to communicate better to them in their language when I feel like that to them, or at the very LEAST give me a chance.

Today I contacted a specialist in Autism and asperger in my area, and told her what I was going through and she explained that she can help me with these things because these are issues that people on the autistic spectrum struggle with so there is some sense of hope for me. She can't do an assessment but would work together with me to get a formal diagnosis...and this gives me so much hope. Has this helped anyone else with their personal relationships? Helping people relate to people better, or do we just end up getting the same response from the outside world?

At the very least I have hope that learning how to survive in this strange and confusing world would be easier with guidance from professionals. Learning how to cope with being ostracized at the very least and how to avoid it? Too many high hopes?



(read this after my previous post as I was typing and it takes me a looong time to type and sometimes edit and delete, to write 2 paragraphs can* takes me several hours because I often* write a book and then try to delete to find the gist of what I am saying. I found a short cut if I get to the end and say, "My point is!" then I know that the first and final paragraph might work well!)

Thank you Lelia. I think you are right. I read somewhere that used to help me a lot when I remember it. That just because someone doesn't love you the way that you need them to love you does not mean that they don't love you with all that they are able. Every now and then I think am I being too self absorbed and narrow? I keep analyzing where I went wrong and what she was trying to say. My grandmother said she was trying to say in her own way through hints and actions, and that her saying she was overwhelmed was saying those things.

I keep thinking about how angry I am at her for not loving me enough, for not understanding for not trying to accommodate me. She keeps saying she's not able she's not able, she's not able. And I'm terribly sad because she said she wanted me, and now she doesn't. But I have never thought about forgiving her before you mentioned it. I mean I tried to be compassionate, I tried to think about how she was feeling but I couldn't get it. I couldn't understand why I would need to try and forgive her for hurting me so much. I read a lot about how forgiveness is important. I will try to apply that she tried her best and could not love me the way that she was able and is only human. I will think more on this topic as it will take me a while to put it together, but it's beginning to come together. And I hope someday she will forgive and love me again too for not being the friend she needed*.

Last edited by TaoDreams on 23 May 2013, 8:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Lelia made a very good point, and it gave me some food for thought. One more thing struck me in your post. You seem to say that if she cared enough, she'd understand you need accommodations. You also have mentioned you have trouble expressing and understanding these things(correct me if I'm incorrect). That seems like you want her to be able to mindread.
She told you she's not able. It sounds like an emotional overload, but if it's compounded by unreasonable expectations(mindreading your needs?) It may have seemed like an impossible situation.
I understand the need for accommodations sometimes, trust me. People just don't have the patience for it, or the understanding most of the time. Sometimes I ask questions just trying to understand why people act certain ways, but I never get an answer(except for WP ). Whether or not you feel the friendship can be mended, try not to harbor any ill will. We can't expect things from people, but only accept what they can offer. She probably never meant to hurt you, and might be feeling hurt herself.
Just some thoughts. I hope you feel better<hugs>.

Right now I think that is really good advice both with Lelia has said and you have said. I Am trying to do those things but it is taken some time. Right now all I can say is what I genuinely mean and that she has feelings too, and that I love her and sorry that I am too difficult for people close to me love. I thought that since she wanted me to be her daughter, that she would love me too unconditionally and work with me through things like these. But now I know (or at least feel) like I was wrong. People look at me and assume because I volunteer and that I seem normal in outside conversation that I do not struggle until we hit a road block where they realize---oh emotional processing + flipping out. And either label me as crazy and note to get away OR label me as normal and note to get away for displaying behaviour they consider inappropriate and dangerous (referencing to her 'displaying stalker patterns' comments to me. Which I WAS NOT, I just broke up one of our NORMAL long emails into smaller things. By definition I did, but that's not what it was. I stopped as soon as she told me what she felt!)

I am not sorry for how I felt or feel now, or even that processing forgiveness is taking some time (though it is coming along). I know that if right now I am trying to focus on that we are both feeling something possibly similar. And that I am able to now talk to her without feeling ill-will and anger. But sometimes when I am sleeping I dream about feeling or angry or sitting and I remember how I felt when she shut me out without using her words, and then I feel a flash of anger and don't know where or why I feel it, just that I have a right to feel it and that it is unwelcome. But most of the time I feel no ill-will as I try to build compassion for people who abandon me. But does not remove my feeling rejected and hopeless from the world it just makes me more understanding, which is where trying to cope with being abandoned by life and how to try to fit in and cope with what can't change, is why I am asking for very costly help.

I am sorry that I could not use the right words in the right way for her, and that I could not distinguish my feelings at the time from right words, and reacted without being sure what was the right course of action. I just know that I am at my wit's end now, and that people seem to aggravate and make worse underlying insecurities that I have because of barriers between languages and high expectations that they have for me too . No one tells me the individual written dialogue/communication handbook for each being, and I can no longer cope with this. My LAST and ONLY hope right now is utilizing life skills therapy that would help make these feelings make sense to me, interpersonal relationships work, and prevent incidents like these from the future or at least learning what type of people I need to let close to me or not.


Just trying to express and word the sadness and disappointment using words that closely match. But not necessarily rather suggesting that they are fair or not, because upon analysis I can't help but think the vast majority of emotions and their reasons are irrational expectations placed upon the universe? Also I feel like I was not asking her to mindread because I assumed this foundation and understanding had built through conversations that we had both specifically talking about? I expressed nothing she had not appeared to confirm before through her own dialogue in the past. And I feel like my meltdown were words expressing my sorrow for being expected to fit a single standard or throw me away, which I think is a very valid thing to feel very painful for. The threat of being abandoned or being abandoned. And she kept saying "I'll be glad to go out with you", but she was missing the point. I wasn't ASKING to go out, she was missing the point that I am unable to plan and schedule events. I've never done those things and can't possibly imagine what we would do esp. because my only interest and purpose to being with her was to be with her. I have no interest in watching movies because when I am with someone I need to turn the music down or the TV down so I can focus on them and have conversations with them. I can't watch movies and get so bored--why would I plan those things? And why did she lie about enjoying the time we had together when we did? She never implied that before, why suddenly tell me now, and put all these rules on me now? Why so easily throw me away?

I am sorry that I could not find the right words and the appropriate action to say RIGHT AWAY or that I cannot interpret this as properly so as I should. And am feeling very sad and low about my self-esteem right now for not being able to express and use those right words and having what I feel lost a friend who I think due to silence hates me because of it.

As I think if there was any chance for her to still love me, she would not be ignoring me and letting my mind come up with is she or isn't she. A real friend would tell me to GO AWAY. Not be so vague with me? I just can't help feeling like her actions are a subtle way to tell me that I am not important to her and that she hates me. And maybe I AM mind reading, but everyone is ALWAYS telling me to READ BETWEEN THE LINES, and when I DO they tell me I'm mind reading. Do they want me to read between the lines or don't they?


I did write one more mail even though it was not recommended last night to ask to clarify if she felt harassed because I wrote large and broke it up into small pieces for her OR if it was the intensity of those broken emails OR if she did not want to talk to me at all, because she has not said. I also asked her to use her words. And so on before deleting her address and number.

I am not sure if I will be making/allowing anymore close friends after this event though. It is too much for me to handle and cope with right now, and so it is very painful realizing that doing this is the only way people will love me and the only way I can love people without hurting them.

I'm so glad you are going to Life Skills Therapy. I hope it turns out well for you. I know how hard life can be when it seems like everything you do, especially when you are following directions the best you can, turns out badly.
I've also been so depressed I could not take the next step.
I once vowed I would never try to make another friend because it never worked out. I've since decided I need to keep trying even if my success rate is so low. If I don't try, the friend rate will go down to zero. I need to accept that because of my brain, acquiring friends is a harder, longer process than it is for a lot of other people.
I wish you well.

   My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic (WikiLink) is a television series, intended for girls, but reaches far deeper than anyone expected (just like most great works).

I don't know how to explain my analogy, which is why I didn't use a better one. =/
Perhaps I meant it more literally than that. Sort of like, how much a person gives, is how much they like you.


But actually I kinda like your interpretation, the trick is to know when to give back your time (helping them), and when to give back their time (leaving them their space).

But the "accounting" doesn't have to be super-accurate, the better the friendship the less each is worried about the account "balance".
Except it's the reverse: the level of worry (concern) indicates the level of friendship (inversely:+worry/-friendship), and most everyone will say they're not really worried but you'll see the clues in other ways.
Such as when their actions aren't quite the same as their words. (sketchy)
The farther the two drift apart (actions/words) the shakier the friendship foundation.

From a certain point of view, everything you wrote about you had an unseen friendship "demand" (use whatever word you wish) that they read it.
 That means they're spending time on you. Whether you're there or not.
Then they have to spend more time on you, writing back about everything or it looks like they didn't care enough to read it, and then they can't help but feel bad, even if you tell them not to.

How long can you drink from a glass without someone having to go fill it?
And will that be you? Or will you make someone else refill it for you?

You foolishly drank this glass dry, chipped the rim, and then cut your lip on it. Now you're bleeding and it hurts.
I've been there way too often.
Most of us here have.

I mean it from my heart when I say: I feel your pain.

I read the whole thing, but I felt I was in the same boat as you do.
I've been there once, I lost her for unknown reason similar to yours, but it hurts me to the bone after she called the police and had me caught (luckily no arrests, just told me to stay of of her place).
But recently I'm having the same problem again, this time on Tumblr and Skype, and this time 3 of my friends don't want to talk to me or explain why it's happening.
I think you and me will be at home with this. I have been betrayed for how many times I can't remember, I feel the recent one might be a form of betrayal.

Why don't you try to find others with Asperger's who would be more understanding?

I mean, I've pretty much figured out I can't be close with anyone who doesn't either have Asperger's or a similar personality disorder (ideally both Asperger's and Histrionic, Borderline, or Antisocial PD).

Also, I think the ONLY thing you guys are doing is being excessive (some would say "clingy") and obsessive. When you do make friends, try to conceal your excitement and try not to pretend like they are your only friend, even if they are. Furthermore, it's important to use restraint in electronic communication. Never send a message longer than theirs. And never ever send more than two messages. Also, never pester people for "reasons" about why they don't reply to you, or etc. Sometimes, people need space, and pestering them makes them anxious. I know, even though I have Asperger's, I have connected with a few people on this forum who made me a little bit uncomfortable by asking "did I do something wrong?" when I take more than 5 minutes to reply to their message. Just don't do this. Ever. I have never seen anyone do it who doesn't have Asperger's.

Ok, I am no expert at having close friends. But I am fine at having a wide circle of drinking buddies and at not annoying people. So listen to me.

I wonder why she want YOU to take her out and buy her dinner. I've never done that for a friend. Friends usually agree to go out together and usually pay for their own things. NTs usually ignore people they want to cut contact with. If she was bored at your place then you guys could have agreed to do other things, but I'd just let her go. She seems to have really misunderstood your feelings and it doesn't look like she will understand.

I love my friend so very much and am still hurt so very much, that she will not explain to me or give me another chance, or even explain what I should do the next time I am upset or not understanding or something. I am mourning my loss. Because I feel like I didn't even have a chance.

I like the rules that Tyri0n mentioned. I just didn't know how to communicate what I was feeling with so few words and messed it all up so badly, so badly.

Thank you Lelia and 1401bs and arnold and everyone, for understanding and feeling my pain. Someone said I am stronger than I think, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I am officially seeing an autistic specialist this upcoming Thursday to help with these things. My thing is, ASD is the only thing that has ever described all the problems I have and am going through. I don't care if brain scans don't reveal it (never had one but I think about what if I did take one and these issues didn't show up). I have real symptoms that at the very least appear to mimic ASD, and I need very real help that people on the autistic spectrum get help in, all of those areas that they struggle with, I struggle with and I need help in all those areas and a therapist who doesn't work on just PTSD or just Anxiety or just Depression, but on EVERY AREA OF MALFUNCTIONING IN MY BRAIN, and helping me cope with the real issues that arise from it.

I keep getting a lot of crap because I self-identify as it/without psychiatric feedback. But this is so much more to me than joining a club I HATE CLUBS DONT CARE ABOUT THEM. It's about getting HELP, because I am so serious when I say that I cannot live another day without hope that I will not be able to live anything other than dependently always needing constant help and support. Like I just cannot do it anymore, cannot do this anymore and am at the point where if I don't get help I'm gone. I'm just done. I'm gone.

But I am a little bit scared that I would be denied the resources that I need in order to live healthy. And I'm a little scared because I've been getting help for being different since I was a little kid and I don't want to NEED HELP FOREVER.

Even if my friend decides never ever to talk to me. I am glad that I met her because she made me realize a lot about myself that I wouldn't have realized had I not built such a relationship with her. I just pray and hope that she will forgive me and be my friend again, and if she doesn't I pray and hope that I have the courage to heal my heart and let go of my failures.

Upon analysis as I've ruminated on this for days now. this is the situation:

She explained (not now she's still ignoring me), why and it made sense. She said it was about etiquette for the rules that she made up for her friends (guess those rules are her boundaries and what she needs to be engaged and happy). I said I needed a friend, she said that's fine but friend etiquette says that if I ask to hang out I buy. I know she said other things that were kind, but I focused in on one phrase that went something like: And if you're not ok with that, then I'm not the one for you.

So she was dropping me???? See the problem is I COULDNT imagine being able to do those things. There is NOTHING I like to do. She was bored just 'sitting' and 'talking' having a 'conversation'. She needed to be watching a movie, having something planned. She needed to go out and have fun. And I don't mind trying to do those things but she said "I" HAD to plan them because her etiquette says if I say I need a friend and ask to hang out, then I PLAN THESE EVENTS.

But I don't leave my room. I don't watch TV. I hate watching movies and can't focus on them when I am with a person, I have to turn music down in the car when I am talking and struggle when we are talking and have background noise on. I can't imagine going to a restaurant because I don't have money and get anxious with money and paying and then more anxious with having spent money I don't have.

It was not until today I began thinking: I could have invited her to do what I normally do. Like taking her to the horse rescue, I wouldn't mind picking her up because it's a familiar place for me. Or we could watch a Bioshock Infinite movie (where they record gameplay), or I could bring up some new games that she could try with me. I just hate going to new places, and so on and was freaking out because at the time I could not IMAGINE doing any of those things because they were foreign to me, she was asking me to do something I didn't know how to do. And saying if I couldn't do that she would cut me out of her life--that's what I saw.

And I was trying to explain why I kept freaking out and she hates reading long texts, but I was trying so hard. And she kept replying ignoring what I was saying and saying, "I want to see you, what place do you want to go out to tea' when I said I just wanted to share a cup of tea with you and talk about anything anything! Not sad, anything! Because I have a hard time talking about emotions in person, but it all comes out in writing! I realized she wasn't understanding me and I was freaking out so I begged her to just come over or let me talk but began to realize she may not want to be my friend so I was begging her to at least see me in person to say goodbye so I can ask questions and understand!! !


Tried that and it failed .

My problem is there are different levels and variants of people on this autistic spectrum. Like I don't automatically click with every person who is labeled 'ASD'. What I DO click with is that people on the ASD share a lot of issues that I have, me and my ex and my ex-friend shared a lot of issues. But I think there is more to friendship than issues. And some issues don't coincide. Sometimes being the same is a bad match and other times like with my friend (male twin) it can be a great thing.

First the way I love you is not like normal people. If you say I LOVE YOU! I usually think well they are a really great friend and we do like a lot of things so I LOVE YOU TOO! SO what does love mean? Well I describe loving people as a door I can just open when you invite me in, but it is a door I don't know how to close, because when you open that door and say I LOVE YOU PLEASE COME IN. I share everything with them GIVE EVERYTHING TO THEM. And that takes investment on my part, and to me that feels like love. Actually I describe it as Platonic friendship. Love = Platonic Friendship to me. SO note that every person who has ever had any emotional connection to me has INVITED THEMSELVES INTO MY HEART, or at least INVITED ME INTO THEIRS.

They initiate the contact and let me in and I COME IN. On occasion I will automatically latch onto people, but I have learned how to keep and love from a distance, 'unrequited love' and by love I mean SHARING. I don't SHARE WITH THOSE PEOPLE because it scares them. But people who let me in I go OK THEY OBVIOUSLY WANT ME IN.

This is the case with EVERY personal connection I have managed to make which is rare. I have never initiated that contact. NOW I can talk about the two friends I had who taught me important lessons. Because these two friends also approached me and said THEY LOVED ME. I didn't say I loved them, they said they loved me. This is at a point where I had decided that I could not really love and had already identified as aromantic. I feel this needs to be said but I don't know why! In any case I said I love you too! And that meant they would hang out with me and be my BEST FRIEND. That's what that means for me.

OK, now see, I had two friends one with aspergers and one who was suggested by whoever she was seeing in therapy that she might have aspergers but never officially diagnosed, my ex (female), and my ex-friend (male). I thought because we both hated touch we'd get along fine, but she began to desire intimacy and touch, and maternal behaviour from me, and she went outside more and wanted to socialize and walk all over town and I wanted to do that too for her but had no interest in it. I had no interest in cleaning and she would get upset because I didn't clean and so she cleaned and felt I took advantage of her. I'd say just don't clean! She'd say I NEED TO CLEAN so I don't fall over things! She'd say you don't love me because you don't clean, and I would say I do love you I just don't see any real purpose in breaking away from what I am doing to clean. She was sensitive to smell and I only showered when I went out. She would get upset if she made me a sandwich and I couldn't eat it because the textures on my tongue from not being even, I'd tell her it's easier for me to make my own food because I know how to make it so the textures are even on my tongue. But this would hurt her. And it would hurt me when I would try to say I care by making breakfast in the morning and she'd get angry at me for not realizing she wasn't hungry. So I didn't do it and just stayed alone in my room. She would kiss me and hug me at night and I would become rigid and not respond to her touch, I wasn't SCARED or ANXIOUS. It's just not a natural response and I often felt like she was annoying me by doing those things and making those noises with her lips than anything else. And I have always felt sorry about feeling that way because it was nice, but I couldn't relate to it .

I was more anxious. I got tired easily and was afraid to go to new places or losing energy or getting tired of walking. I hated meeting all those new people because if I liked someone I knew I'd have to keep going to see them to maintain friendship. And if they knew the issues I struggled with they would hate me (AND THEY DO NOW, because when they stopped being my friend they told everyone that used to talk to me that I was violent, but never shared the whole story).

I would get upset because she could do those things and I could not. I also at the time was violent and self and other destructive when I could not express my emotions or felt no one was hearing me. So we would argue frequently because of so many things. But other than emotional issues we did not share much in common. She liked to WALK, I liked to GAME, she was BLIND so she could not GAME. I liked to WRITE, she had a reading disability and could not READ (not with braille or screen reader). It was extremely frustrating for me. Made more complicated was her running away from her parents and seeking refuge in me, when I was just as messed up as she was. Everyone kept depending on me to take care OF HER. But I couldn't do that! I NEEDED AS MUCH HELP AS SHE DID, no one realized that she could work but they wouldn't let her even though she desired and was capable and able to manage that social world.

She needed me to guide her, and to do things for her that I COULDNT DO regularly. She needed me to be emotional intimate to at least SOME EXTENT and I couldn't even be that. She needed me to change my tone of voice so she could understand--I couldn't change my tone of voice to express empathy and compassion with ease. I believed that the only answer to living in a society that rejected me was living in a van or permanently camping in a yurt and WWOOF. She needed a hot shower everyday to help with her fibromyalgia. Now my ex-friend was diagnosed with aspergers but used it as an excuse to lie, manipulate, and to be rude and a jerk. As these were what he constantly did, he lied and manipulated me quite frequently. He could not hold a job because he was extremely blunt (though I was never put off by his bluntness and liked that he was so BLUNT about things), but hated that he was not honest and would look me in the eye and lie straight to my face when I would ask him genuinely ask him to help me understand things that were going on that I was missing emotional cues.

I was constantly accused BY THEM of not loving them. And it hurt. Because I did, I just had such narrow interests and was so easily overwhelmed by so many things and the stress at the same time. Esp. because I was expected to care for her because she was blind, YET I couldn't even live independently by myself without help but no one saw it because I didn't wear sunglasses and walk with a cane!

I don't feel like being on the autistic spectrum is any excuse to be rude and manipulative. Nor did I think it was an excuse to have emotional outbursts, being hurtful to others, to hurt myself or others. I think it's hard to do many things without help and guidance and a mentor though. That's why I sought help to teach me how to handle those things, but I need a specialist who understands the specific issues I encounter both with developing living skills, communication skills and coping skills for the things I can't change about myself, and so on. Because now instead of lashing out, I CRY and sometimes still hurt myself instead of OTHERS when I am so overwhelmed. And I need help with coping. Same I don't make excuses for having meltdowns and flipping out but I do ask for patience, understanding, and helping me learn more appropriate things to say and do, specifically because each person seems to different with different languages. And I learn these things as I go along and encounter new situations, that I can only learn in personal close relationships!

That's the way I feel about that. NOW I do have a friend who has aspergers who is a CARBON COPY OF ME. I call him my male twin. Like me he loves PCs and working with them, I want him to teach me to build PCs because I love them and am in a program where I can make games. I thrive in this program because the teachers are like BIG COMPASSIONATE KIDS, and everything we do is HANDS ON. It's not all rules and stuff to memorize it's real things I can apply and test myself. I wanted to go to school in IT TECH but sitting and reading books was too boring I wanted hands on building computers. But struggle to go outside. We also like me and my friend LOVE GAMES ! And in the beginning I wasn't interested in playing many games but being in school for games opened me up to trying to get out of my narrow game interests.

With my friend the only thing I hated was that he asked intimate questions about my abuse that I didn't want to talk about, and he would get clingy and upset with me because he couldn't get them out of my mind and wanted to know. I hated that he would only talk to me if I would be romantic with him. exclusive lover because I identify as AROMANTIC. He wants intimacy and I was trying to GIVE HIM THOSE THINGS because he is the only and I mean only person who has ever been patient with me. Who has ever been understanding, who has ever accepted me for me, and if I have to accommodate his need for sharing the same living space as me and sex, then I thought OK I will do it. The reality is skin contact HURTS ME. I can still feel touch on my skin DAYS AFTER you touch me. If you rub my cheek (someone did this the other day and I AM STILL UPSET) I told her STOP TOUCHING ME. IT feels like a raw burn on my face that is still radiating.

So my rule is clothes clothes clothes. Hugging = clothes. Touching = clothes. Because I was sexually abused they told me this was all in my head. But I have ALWAYS HAD THIS ISSUE. This is not some new issue for me that is psychological and in my head. Any kind of skin contact can hurt and sometimes SOMETIMES I am surprised if the skin is extremely extremely soft. Then I'm thinking this doesn't feel like skin at all.

Though my male twin lives in the country of Georgia, so we cannot hang out together and play games together and do a lot of the things we love doing online and talking about in person. But we both struggle with communication and making connections, and doing stupid things and not understanding, and being socially awkward and many other things that I know people here can relate to, even if at different degrees.

This is very beautiful. I think any friend of yours would be very blessed indeed.
I hope you can find a way to cope with everything on your plate right now. It sounds like you're very overwhelmed, so hopefully you can find some help there.
I can understand about not initiating things. I can count on one hand (two/three fingers?) on the times I've actively intitiated any type of social relationship. I tend to stand back and wait for an approach.
If she's still receptive, it sounds like you need to sit down and have a long talk with your friend. If I was in her place I'd be happy to because you seem like a very genuine person, but of course I can't speak for other people.