Telling people/disclosure, then they tell others.What to do?

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I think I just messed up....

I'm 51 and have only just self-diagnosed that I'm on the spectrum. Needless to say, my head is spinning and I have a lot to come to terms with, including the new dilemma of whether or not to tell people around me of what I've discovered, and if so, who.

Some people who know me already realize that certain situations bother me, such as crowds of people or lots of noisy activity, and they have been pretty understanding and accepting. The other day one of these people invited me to a barbecue, and prefaced the question with "I know you don't feel comfortable around a lot of people".

Well, I think I appreciated so very much that she knows that, that I blurted out that I'd started to discover it's strongly indicated that I may be on the autism spectrum. (Her mentioning my discomfort in a party setting was why I brought it up, saying "Funny you should mention that as I think I've figured out whay that is......")

I now realize I shouldn't have done that. This woman happens to be very indiscreet with other people's information -- her unhealthy family dynamic has made her become one of those people who believe you've gotta have everything out in the open.

Which is great, but there are also things that are just private matters and should be revealed on a need-to-know basis, and that that's not dishonesty, that's just privacy.

When I told her, I did not mention that I wanted it kept confidential -- I completely forgot. I actually forgot to say I'd rather keep it between us right now.

I've messed up with my "First person I've told" and I'm inwardly cringing now.

I'm afraid that this woman is now going to tell what I said about my new information on my "wiring" to other mutual friends whom I'm not as close to as I am to her.

I feel like this is just as wrong as, for example, when a third party thinks it's okay to "out" someone who is getting to grips with being gay, and still in the process of coming out to selected people.

I feel similar about my likely Asperger's. I want to tell only selected people and I want to keep control of who knows. I'm high functioning and can "pass" for neurotypical (although it's an exhausting strain if prolonged), and I don't feel the need for it to be general public knowledge in my life. I feel like I want to do the "need to know" basis on this puppy.

My question is, what do you do when one person you tell takes it upon themselves to just go on and spread it around, with no respect for the fact that this is YOUR news to tell and ought to be your decision?

It's been about 4 years since my diagnosis, and I've told no one.

Even the people I trust could let it slip through absent-mindedness or a moment of anger.

It's not worth losing my job, my marriage, and what few friends I have left to tell anyone about my diagnosis - only the psychologist and I know.

That's the way it's going to stay.

I understand this, but find it a little sad too. The few times I have disclosed myself, it wasn't as a confessional moment as much as relating necessary information where it needed to go.

I too can totally understand and sympathize with feeling this way, but also feel sad that a person can feel this is how it has to be. I get it though, I really do. If one feels that one's job or marriage could be on the line, one has to take whatever stance is necessary.

I'm already worrying about a minor thing like how it might affect car insurance premiums -- that's nothing compared to job consequences for disclosing, but if I'm concerned about a thing like that then I can definitely see how much more can be at stake for you.

I'm very new to all this, but I'm already seeing how each individual has to weigh their own consequences and comfort level about disclosure, and it's a highly case-by-case situation.

I wish you well Fnord and understand completely.

Contact your friend at the first oppourtunity. Calmly but insistantly state that what you have told her needs to be treated as confidential. Remind her that she is the first person to receive this information and the fact that you trusted her should be respected. Reiterate how concerned you are about this becoming public. Try not to do it again.

This is great advice, neilson_wheels, and thank you.

I really messed-up, and this is a way to try to fix it.

I didn't go to her barbecue after all, so I have a good reason to contact her now about that anyway, and then open up the subject of what I confided in her.

This was the first person I told and I picked the wrong one.....I'm really going to put a cork in the bottle from now on. I'm beating myself up about as it's so hard not to kick myself about this. Aggh.

@BirdInFlight, one of the most difficult things to come to terms with when self-diagnosing is the feeling that you may be a fraud, that it may be all in your head, that its ridiculous for "someone like me" to have autism.

I sense from reading your posts in other threads that this is something you worry about.

You aren't alone. This is definately something I struggle with at times. Reading the boards, I see a lot of other people struggle with this too.

This makes it especially difficult to tell other people, as it means the question is no longer all in your head. Now other people are asking that question as well, which can make you feel very vulnerable. Hopefully that feeling will go away in time when you learn more about autism and about yourself and feel more confident about your diagnosis.

Try not to worry about it too much. Even if you circle of friends/aquaintances has picked up on it as an item of gossip, they will get bored of it and move on to a new topic soon enough. Trust me, its not the end of the world.

Disclosure in your job is a different ball game however, and is something you should be very cautious about

Never tell a gossiper anything you don't want everyone to know.

You can tell who the gossipers are by observing what they have to say about others.

Exactly what zer0netgain said. Don't ask her not to tell people. The more confidential it is - the more eager she will be to spread it.

Don't do anything immediately. Just calmly/informally bring into conversation with her at another time that you decided to eventually look up the diagnosis (that's right - lie) as if you hadn't bothered to look it up before. That will show you hadn't looked into the condition properly, and that was how you made a mistake that you could have AS. Just shrug it off and be very light about it and make as little a deal of it as possible. Don't make out what a big mistake you made - the smallest attention you give to the topic, the less bothered she will see you as, and the less likely she'll think it's a big deal. The less of a big deal she thinks it is, the more likely she will believe you and she will tell others that it was a "mistake" as a result.

Thank you foxfield, zer0netgain and smudge for your replies -- all good advice too.

Yes, I still have a lot of questions about my "status" so to speak, although as time goes by I feel more and more that I'm certainly on the spectrum, not just from the online tests (posted on the General Autism discussion board) all giving me that result, but from the criteria that I fit all my life.

But it still might be a good thing to kind of breezily indicate to this woman that I "might be wrong." And yep, it might not work to emphasize confidentiality.

I really wish I could fall down a hole though. My original plan, when it started to seem indicated that I'm on the spectrum, was to just proceed through life explaining that I have to handle something differently only if and when such a situation comes up. I thought I'd never mention the spectrum, just tell someone situation-by-situation if something just makes me freak out a bit "Because I'm just a bit uncomfortable with (name the situation).

But one of my issues I often struggle with in general, too, is that I tend to blurt things out and over-share about myself -- that's the really frustrating thing. She had made me feel so comfortable by being understanding about how I don't like large gatherings, that it made me lose my guard and start talking about how I've recently realized what that and some other things could be about... I want to be much more guarded in future.

Thanks everyone for your input, I like everyone's different take on what to do.

I'm sure not going to get into this pickle again anytime soon. I'm shutting up in future. Just have to run damage control on this one gal.