Exasperation in others

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Hi,

I am not great at reading facial expressions but I can do it as long as there are not too many going on at once because then I get confused. I have noticed that on two occasions recently separate acquaintances showed exasperation with me. The first time was at the school play, I chatted to the lady next to me who I know vaguely from church. We chatted a bit back and forth then she started talking to the woman in the seat in front. Then they both fell silent so I asked "Does (your son) go to Scouts?". At the precise moment the words started to come out, she leant forward as if to speak to her friend, then rolled her eyes and turned to me and snapped "Yes". Does YOUR son?". I did not like the exasperated look on her face, it made me uncomfortable as I did not want to make her feel that way. I felt very small. I answered "No" and said nothing more. How was I supposed to know she was about to lean forwards? Maybe my mistake was to keep talking, maybe I was supposed to stop as soon as I saw her move, not complete my sentence first. (I was taught by a counsellor years ago to keep talking and not peter out into silence if I get interrupted because if I do then I am at risk of not getting heard. So I always try and complete my sentences. I also have problems where I cannot hold in my head what I want to say, and if I try and remember it then I can't hear the other person, but if I speak it out, then I interrupt. Is there a word for this?).

The second incident was similar, a different acquaintance brought a bag of books for my son to borrow, we said a few words, and then the children started coming out. I said "WHat class is your son in?" I have probably asked this before but the words were already out. She told me, in an exasperated fashion, as in between the time my brain made the words and they started coming out, she had started walking across the playground to another parent. Cue another exasperated look, and she gave me the answer.

I do tend to be very slow in coming up with things to say, often I am so slow the topic has passed by the time I get to speak. So I say nothing and look like an idiot. If I get interrupted I find it very hard to get back onto my train of thought.

I thought I might add that I am considered very intelligent I have a PhD in Astronomy, I worked in industry for seven years before leaving work to start a family. So I am not a moron - I just struggle with small talk.

My main question is - do these ladies now hate me and think I am an idiot because they looked exasperated? Do I make them feel uncomfortable, and will they shun me? How can I stop it happening again?

From an NT perspective, is this a common face that people see all the time and nothing to worry about? Or should I worry and try and "do better" in future?

Is it a face people who know each other well use? So should it be a cause for celebration, that these ladies feel they are knowing me well enough to be more relaxed? Or is it horribly rude and should I confront them / get them to respect me more?

Advice much appreciated.

Many thanks.

PS My apologies I cannot check my post, my 6 year old with Aspergers has waited patiently while I typed this now I must give him my full attention. I got interrupted a lot while typing and I hope all is clear.

Maybe you're talking to 'tards.

A PhD in Astronomy just about guarantees social issues with anyone w/out a good brain.

There are only about 1,000 human concepts. But there are about 10,000 facial expressions, you can darn well bet that NTs cant cope with them all.
This means they're reading and displaying sloppy with their expressions and you're trying to read them all.
If you read a book where only a quarter of the words were intended to make sense, yet you read all the words, you'd probably be feeling about the same as you do now.

What are you doing wrong? Who knows? There's not enough information. You'll probably need a patient observer.

Is there someone who knows you well, respects and likes you - and you are confident that they are understanding about your spectrum issues or AS issues..Anyway, is there someone you can ask to observe your interactions with others - and can give you some advice/feedback as to when you might not be 'getting it'?

It could also be that these other women are simply rather rude and have fewer tolerance skills than normal. It is not unusual for NT's to have their own 'social skills issues' when dealing with folks who are on the spectrum.

thanks for that cool response - you are right - I don't have all the information. They could be tired. They could be in a rush.

Long before I became aware of Asperger' s my PhD caused difficulties at parties. I mention it if people ask. Otherwise I tend not to.

there is another woman I know who also has AS issues - her advice is be yourself and don't worry what anyone thinks. She also thinks I live in too small a town and she thinks it is narrowing my social possibilities and choice of friends.

I do tend to make people impatient - I tend to say something more than once, or to ask them something I asked last time I saw them. It is like my mind goes blank and I can't remember what I said last time or what they told me before.

I have a similar issue in the sense that although I too am supposedly of above average intelligence, for whatever that's worth, I have a real problem "thinking on my feet" in any conversation or verbal interaction. I never think of the thing I really wanted to say until it's too late, the moment has passed, or even hours or days have passed. I have a hard time not beating myself up about it, as it tends to happen on a daily basis and is one of my things I get the most frustrated with myself for. I find it so hard to have the presence of mind to be right there with the thought I need to speak.

It leaves me really bad at situations like sticking up for myself "on the spot" when I hadn't expected having to do that, or when I need to correct an assumption. The odd thing is, I can be fairly articulate verbally if someone isn't overwhelming me or if I'm in a relaxed setting with someone I like and trust.

Those women you describe sound like rude people; even if they were annoyed, ideally it's not very polite for anyone to convey so nakedly such clear irritation with someone who was only trying to be friendly, as you were. That's not nice no matter who has what neurological standing. A decent person would try to be kind even if they thought someone's conversational timing is off.

Forget them, they don't seem very nice. I've encountered people reacting to me exactly that way, as I've also done similar timing stumbles as you, and even though it hurts to be treated with that little bit of random unkindness, I try to remember that people that cold and irritable aren't ones I care to speak to much again anyway.

An additional thought though -- if you do have to interact with these women again or on any ongoing basis, I wonder if it would help, the next time a moment like this happens again with them, if you explain that you sometimes have problems in conversation and can feel a little awkward or shy or whatever way you want to describe it, without necessarily bringing up Asperger's or your place on the spectrum?

I'm currently planning to start doing something like this the next time something comes up that is made awkward by my "different wiring" as I think of it being. I don't want to blurt out stuff about blaming everything on spectrum brain wiring, but I do think I'd like to have a brief scripted line planned such as "Sorry, I'm a bit awkward sometimes if I feel distracted or a bit overwhelmed by my day." My script obviously needs a bit more work!! ! [laugh]

But the basic idea is that sometimes even people who are a bit impatient can soften somewhat if a person can catch the moment and then lightly acknowledge and explain that they know they just sounded a bit goofy just then, sorry, etc. I still have a long way to go with that "thinking on the spot" thing though, so I don't know if I can do this either. I know that the few times I have in fact managed to do something like this, the person did react differently and apologized too for being a bit prickly.

That's great! I think my script can be "Sorry, I was a bit distracted" and a smile. If it keeps happening, "Sorry, please bear with me, I can be a bit slow when it's a busy time like this" or something similar. I think you are right, scripts are needed if you can't think on your feet (like me .

Yep, those sound like good things to say; anything that might melt the person's annoyance and appeal to their humanity, as everyone's had a fuzzy moment or a gauche conversational moment at times, even the smoothest NT, I would think surely.