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DefinitelyKmart
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11 Jul 2013, 8:27 am

Someone made plans with me to go out this morning..
none aspie, then i asked if those plans were still on last night as id been looking forward to it all day (yesterday) the person then said oh no man not any more im going out tonight, well scheduele for another time.
in short basically deciding to chuck our plans away without even telling me before then.
So i've decided to ignore said persons very existence and refuse to reply or make contact with them, or even acknowledfe them... i figure if you don't have the courtesy to inform me at an appropriate time (we schedueled on tuesday.. so basically all yesterday to inform us) then its not showing value as a friend, so they should therefore be removed from said friendship



EmberEyes
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11 Jul 2013, 8:42 am

DefinitelyKmart wrote:
Someone made plans with me to go out this morning..
none aspie, then i asked if those plans were still on last night as id been looking forward to it all day (yesterday) the person then said oh no man not any more im going out tonight, well scheduele for another time.
in short basically deciding to chuck our plans away without even telling me before then.
So i've decided to ignore said persons very existence and refuse to reply or make contact with them, or even acknowledfe them... i figure if you don't have the courtesy to inform me at an appropriate time (we schedueled on tuesday.. so basically all yesterday to inform us) then its not showing value as a friend, so they should therefore be removed from said friendship

This happens to me all the time. Okay, I'm exagregating (sp?). Every now and then, usually the same two people.
I have come to understand that some people are just incapable of remembering/keeping comitments. Just as I have my issues with certain things, they have too. I am always hurt by it, but I try to accept them for their faults as they accept me for mine.
One strategy I have is to make all plans with these people well in advance, and do a check-in every week or so, to remind them and then contact them the day before to make sure we're still on. And also, I never expect them to actually keep any of their comitments.
We have talked about these things, and they know that though I would trust them with my life and my heart, I have no faith in their word when it comes to making me a priority in their lives, and that I find it very hurtful. They are working on it, just as I am working on my issues.
And to be frank, usually they 'double-book' themselves because of more important things, like going to a school-function with their kid(s) rather than have coffee with me.



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11 Jul 2013, 9:38 am

It seems fair to me.

Those who take me for granted are simply not worthy of my attention.



Ladywoofwoof
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11 Jul 2013, 10:20 am

This sounds totally fair to me.

I have a similarly flakey "friend" who I feel has made it clear they don't prioritise me as a friend at all, or even especially value my company.
I started giving them the silent treatment, and 6 months later I still haven't heard from the guy.... I don't regret it one bit.

I don't need flakey fakey friends.
I'm sure that you don't either.



54together
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11 Jul 2013, 1:25 pm

Yep, that's a fair decision of you. I hate that as well.
Part of my autism is that I like things to be thoroughly planned and organised beforehand. That way, my mind is at ease when thinking about what I would do and where I would go, and I have no anxiety about what exactly would happen.
I can't stand it when people drop plans suddenly, especially when I'm not told about this change as soon as I possibly could have been told. Because I have had a concrete mind on what I would do, the whole plan entering the black hole of my brain so suddenly is just confusing. And what's worse, when someone just flakes out of doing something, it's also like a massive air pocket building up in the pipes of your mind. A massive air pocket of disappointment.

I can't do with flakers.


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Thelibrarian
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11 Jul 2013, 1:43 pm

I will make it unanimous and say I not only don't blame you, but have done the same thing more than once. If somebody thinks it is unreasonable of me to expect them to keep their word, then we have irreconcilable differences. I don't need people in my life whom I cannot trust.



aspiemike
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11 Jul 2013, 1:50 pm

I don't blame you OP. What was described was inconsiderate, flakey and rude at best. They'll likely continue to do that to you since they know they can get away with it. If they had told you "I have to work tonight, I'm sorry." I would have accepted that explanation.



daydreamer84
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11 Jul 2013, 1:52 pm

Yes, that sounds fair. They do not seem like loyal friends.



RudeGoldbergMachine
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11 Jul 2013, 9:05 pm

I wouldn't just cut em off like that. Sometimes people have a faulty memory, or something major happens to distract them, etc. Or sometimes they have a rude minute. Doesn't make them bad. I certainly have enough foibles that I expect my friends to upset and I know I come accross as really rude to them on times and expect them to understand. NTs aren't perfect, even socially.

Maybe just bring it up in a casual way. Don't get too emotional so you come accross as needy, just say, "Hey, next time can you let me know if you're thinking of changing our plans?" or something like that. Now, if they keep on doing this or treat you bad in other ways, that's another thing.



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12 Jul 2013, 2:45 am

Is this the first time it's happened? If it is, I honestly think throwing the entire friendship away is a massive overreaction.


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zer0netgain
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12 Jul 2013, 3:57 am

I try to employ a "three strikes and you're out" policy on most everything.

First time is an occurrence.

Second time is a coincidence.

Third time is a pattern.

This gives me some wiggle room in deciding if I need to take action against someone for how they've offended me.



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12 Jul 2013, 5:10 am

Sounds perfectly fair to me, OP. I'd probably do the same.

I'm perfectly okay with people making other arrangements, but I'm not at all okay with them not telling me until I ask, like they did. The moment someone changes plans, they need to tell the other party.
The only thing behavior like that shows, is a complete lack of respect for you. Ditch them.
I would understand it if it was something major, though, like a death of someone they love, but not just to do something else enjoyable instead.


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