Sense of connection very hard

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Over the years, I have learned how to 1. pick up social cues 2. shed light/display my most sociable qualities 3. realize when I'm becoming tired or frustrated with socializing, so my meanness or sadness does not unleash on innocent bystanders.

When I was a kid I had no friends. Now I have friends. We laugh together. They see me as a real character, very funny and quirky. That's good.
They fully accept me for who I am. I'm extremely grateful.

The thing is though, I become desperate and frustrated hanging out with even these people I know because I do not connect with them the way they connect with each other. It’s like being a ghost or another creature. They feel like they are a group. They feel. They feel for each other in some way I cannot access. They bond, they are satisfied by their interactions, they are on the same plane.
I am unutterably far from that plane. I’ve learned how to put my hands through the bars and touch them. But sometimes when I go to hang out with people I have this naive expectation that [i]this time I will connect [/i ]but I just don’t. And then I become disappointed and bored. Then I leave. I will stay alone for long swaths of time because "what's the point?"

My brain is wired to keep me away from people. It’s so dense. It’s that same wall I’ve always fought, from day one, from my first memories until today. I can paint the wall pretty colors, I can camouflage it so others don’t really notice, and I can chip away at it, but it’s a force field. My solitude is so solid as to feel impenetrable. Some days I still feel stranded on this planet. My brain does not allow me to belong.

Let me know if you relate. I suppose I am not highlighting the struggle of having a lack of social skills, but this force field that always, always keeps me apart from people, despite my cultivated ability to blend in socially.

I feel you. I'm perfectly capable of being sociable, but it does absolutely nothing for me. I feel like an alien on my own planet. It's like there's this bubble around me that just won't pop. Wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. I'd like to tell you things will get better, but there's no way I can promise that. All I can say is there are other people who feel the same way.

I really relate to what you're saying. My social skills are largely ok, but I still feel like there is something missing when it comes to connecting with others. It's like other people have a string going straight between each other's minds and hearts, and I am stuck at the surface somehow, no matter how hard I try. Even when I am emotionally intimate with others, it's like I am still somehow drawing a blank with "feeling it".

It's really rough. I'm sorry you feel this way. I wish I could say something to help, but I don't even know how to help myself.

Thanks everyone. I realize there is nothing I can really do to dissolve this issue, it's just that I was in denial about it for a few months as I made new friends. It does help to know that others feel the same way.

I think what this all comes down to is, simply, we don't have a sense of empathy. It's one of the cornerstone traits of autism/aspergers. It's not that I don't care about other peoples feelings, but I truly don't understand them. EX, I always want people to be honest with me, brutally so even. Since the golden rule is treat others the way you want to be treated, that's how I naturally am with people. It didn't take me to long to learn that most people can't handle that though. Really don't understand why hearing truth, or at least what I feel to be the truth, can be so upsetting since I'm the first one to point out my own flaws, let alone other peoples. Feels like I need to walk on eggshells usually.

Thanks for posting this. Thanks for the people who responded too. What has been said rings very true for me in many ways. I do find it very hard to connect with people and yes, I keep hoping it'll just change every time. This sort of dramatic shift never happens of course (why should it). Maybe better to accept it or to work on it in small ways. Honestly it is hard to accept though.

Interestingly I felt more able to connect when I was a kid, before I became aware of my problems. I had a best friend who I did feel very close to. I'm grateful to have had it and I still think back on it in trying to figure out what the heck I want with people. I've found it harder to feel at ease and close with people since growing older.

There is a lot more I want to say about this but I don't know how to right now. I tried to describe this feeling of disconnection but nothing seemed as apt as what other people already said. If it comes to me later I will post again. But YES, it is quite frustrating and difficult and I'm sorry you are going through it.

It seems to get harder and harder to feel that way the older I get.

My fiancee's family has gatherings of large amounts of people. Anywhere from 20-60 depending on the holiday. It used to be a real pain to interact with them...it still is but I have to do it less now that we moved. Anyways I act and portray myself in situations after I have evaluated the people for awhile. This makes me seem "shy." I'm not really shy I just don't speak until I know what offends people and what doesn't.

After each gathering my fiancee goes over the things I have done wrong and right in each gathering as to help me. Apparently I often come across as arrogant whenever I play games and do something right. Note: You shouldn't say, "I'm awesome." when someone says, "That's cool. How did you do that."

I will never feel like a part of their group. She knows this and covers for me when I walk outside to get away from the people in 10 degree weather by saying I'm just overheated or something.

Funerals are the worst...I will always remember when I was young and my family got the news that my great-grandfather died. Everyone was sitting around crying as I just sat there. My mother looked at me and asked me if I was okay. I responded that I kept from crying by thinking about pizza. (I was 7 or 8 years old at the time so didn't quite understand the concept of a good white lie) When my friends from school died after graduation it was much easier to feign distress/sadness but it was still an uncomfortable experience as people asked me things. It's hard to give facial expressions and dialogue...I should probably have an oscar by now.

Interesting concept, and you may reject this idea. Try ignoring your mind and focus on your emotions. Maybe then you could understand how others feel. I found it easier to display empathy when I put more emphasis on my emotions and less on my thoughts.

I once mentioned to someone that if I'm aloof and prefer to keep away from people I'm not interested in, and that means that when I apply the golden rule, I am likely to cause offence, because most people do the song and dance with everyone, not just a select feew they actually like. He told me that it was better to apply the platinum rule: "Treat others as they prefer to be treated". That makes sense (within reasonable limits).