Is it normal to just not 'get' the social interaction connec

Post Reply New Topic

For years I have struggled making friends and just coping with ordinary social situations. Afterward, and sometimes during the conversation, I feel nauseated, irritable and desperate for air. I'm not that young anymore and thought that with experience would come improvement but I'm practically a recluse. This is not a problem for me but I have a family and things need to get done. Is there anyone else who struggles like this? Have you found anything that has helped? Therapy did nothing for me.

Thank you
Aspie

This is just the introversion talking. These situations drain your energy.

The only solution is to find balance between what you can handle and what is required.

If you don't get the non-verbal connections, rely more on verbal connections.

I've learned to take the extra time to establish clear verbal connections.

<--- Couldn't small talk his way out of a paper bag.

Lizelle, I think it is normal for aspies to find social situations not only to be daunting, but exhausting as well. As for me, I've learned to deal with people on a business level fairly well, though socially is a different matter. I think having to deal with things we don't like is simply part of life, and is certainly not a problem limited to aspies.

What I do is to make time just for me--doing what I want to do--which usually involves some quiet and solitude. It's a matter of making sure there is some good to dilute the bad in life.

Good luck.

Thank you everyone for the responses, helpful.

Any suggestions on how to actually MAKE friends? Over the years I have notoriously somehow (I don't know how), scared them off. Also having a Mental Illness has added to the estrangement. I struggle making small talk and understanding many cliches. The frustrating part is that I'm treated like an embicile even though I have a high IQ.

My family are non-plussed about this as well. We live in a clicky rural town but even though I studie elsewhere whenever I suggest a coffee to some of my ex fellow students, they always have excuses. I'm practically a hermit.

You would not say that 10 years ago I performed Classical Piano on stage and won competitions. Even then, I felt nauseated afterward and being gifted did not win me any friends, the opposite actually.

Are there any advice, please? Helpful websites? Books?

P.S. no counselling suggestions, please - tried that, they all said I live too much in my head. Really? Where do other people live? :-S

Thank you
Totally puzzled by society

The real world?

Are you suggesting to learn from the 'real world'? Or is it sarcasm? And no, I'm not trying to be funny, I would like to know for certain. If you're serious: how do you suggest one can proceed to learn all these different social interactions from 'real world' society? Especially when one misreads body language, idioms, cliches and sarcasm, let alone struggling with small talk?

I'm not young but how to deal properly with social experiences continue to baffle me; and those around me under the spectrum. If you learned in the 'real world', what is the method or formula? Surely there has to be a tried and tested approach to succeed at this...

I think he was answering your question. You asked (probably with sarcasm) where other people live. Other people live in the real world.

Are you professionally diagnosed with AS? You certainly don't reason that way.

Also, if you read carefully, you would have noticed that sarcasm is not something I understand very well. Why would you infer that I used it? Your reasoning appears fallacious. The use of inverted commas indicates the importance of the words within, it does not imply another world. That would be correctly termed another planet and fictionally, a parallel universe. Neither were mentioned. And, question, I asked thewhitrbbt a direct question requesting a direct answer which, if he did not use sarcasm, could have proven rather intellectual and fascinating: perhaps even facts worth testing. The bigger question is: why did you feel the need to speak up for him/her? Habit perhaps?

Now we come to the most un-Aspie-like aspect of your short discourse: the assumption...
You infer that I asked, quote your words "probably with sarcasm" followed by illogical reasoning considering the context. Aspies, on a whole, do not understand social subtleties such as sarcasm, idioms, cliches,body language and rarely use assumptions. We are more fact-based, logicians therefore I view thewhitrabbit and your replies as disrespectful and ad hominem.

I talk to people, they'll say they're going on an exotic holiday to some place I couldn't find on a map. What am I supposed to say? I say it sounds fun, but they see I'm ignorant and stop talking to me. oh well

That pretty much describes my own experiences. I perform very badly at talking to people, and though I have a certain need to do so, I don't actually enjoy it in real life.

Some ideas that I'm trying:

• Finding even more people with common interests.
  The problem about this: Talking about a common interest may degenerate into some sort of bragging, and it's possible that the characters just don't match.
• Talking to people on-line.
  That's hard, too. No matter what sociologists say, the Internet is not changing interpersonal relationships that much. Many people are superficial on-line.

Sorry, I don't have a real solution, either.

You can get to the helpful websites by googling "living too much in your own head". Normally I would post links but recently that causes WP to require captcha codes which don't even show up when I use a tablet computer. I don't think you should dismiss the assessment of the counselors. If they all said you live too much in your head, they are probably right. Doing so can prevent you from forming connections with others. If you google that phrase, you get a bunch of websites and blogs about social anxiety.

As to books, books on mindfulness meditation would be good. Mindfulness meditation gets you out of your head via your senses and connected to the exterior world. It is quite possible that people with sensory sensitivities retreat into their heads to escape the sensory overstimulation, but you didn't say anything about sensory hypersensitivities so it could be worth a try. I reflexively spend too much time in my own head and mindfulness meditation helped a lot. Communing with animals also helps a lot. They yank you out of your head but with less social expectations other than the social expectation that you aren't hurtful or scary to them.

To answer the question of where do other people live- the real world is the real answer. It may have seemed like snark or sarcasm but it is the actual answer. Your senses are a bridge to the real world. Yes, all the sensory information does ultimately get relayed to your brain but it is such a seamless interface that you can feel externalized and connected to others and the world through senses. That's the point of mindfulness meditation. Connect too animals. If you are interested in friends, animals sometimes help in connecting to people too. They provide a natural bridge both to themselves and to other people.