Am I a hypocrite for having female friends?

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For a large part of my life so far (prior to the age of 7 and since the age of 17), it has usually been easier for me to connect to girls than to guys. I'm not an overly masculine person, and "guy talk" really bores me (I couldn't care less what people experienced last time they drank too much, and I don't find discussing girls' bottoms particularly interesting, either).

In a group of strangers, I usually try to integrate among the girls. That's objectively sensible because girls are often more tolerant and less prone to mischief, but what impression does that leave on me? Does it make me look like a hopeless and unpopular guy who is desperately looking for a chance to meet girls?

I can't completely refute that. According to my dating statistics, I am pretty much hopeless. And if I met a nice girl and I had the chance to date her, I wouldn't object.

So while I can give a number of good reasons why I it makes sense for me to prefer female friends, isn't the real reason that I'm secretly attracted to them? And is that what everybody else thinks about me?

I have 3 friends, and 2 of them are female. One of them is in a relationship and the other one is lesbian, so they're fundamentally unavailable. Can I, being heterosexual, really claim that I'm not attracted to them at all? They are nice people, so if they were available and compatible, I'd certainly evaluate the possibilities. So maybe the actual reason why I like them as friends is because I'm subconsciously in love with them?!

Is it a coincidence that I can only make friends with girls who are technically unavailable? Are other girls afraid of talking to me because they think I might understand it as a romantic or sexual "offer"? Can I do anything about this?

You have a serious tendency to over-analyze relationships, and I can sympathize because I do the same to a slightly lesser degree (relationships just don't seem to come naturally to me)

You have those girls as friends because you like their personalities. It's really not surprising that they would be dating material if they were available, you already like important aspects of theirs.

I'd be much more worried about your self-defeatist attitude when it comes to meeting new people.

I'm very confused. According to my observation, male friendships are mostly about getting drunk together. Sometimes they are also about common interests, such as football, computer games, etc. But there is no real emotional connection.

Perhaps I have a rather feminine approach to friendships because I am looking for an emotional connection. I really admire the closeness of some friendships among females.

I'm certainly not the only one looking for something like that. But, tell me if I'm wrong, the only "standard" way for a heterosexual male to experience an emotional connection with someone is finding a girlfriend.

That's interesting, because for years, mainly starting in my late teens/early adulthood, I've gotten along better with guys, although I'm fine with female friends too if they don't act like stereotypes that obsess over their appearance, only like shopping for shoes and clothes, putting their looks before comfort, and frequently speak in shrill, screechy voices and bounce around like hyperactive monkeys. I get exhausted just WATCHING women like that! I find men in general to be more laid-back and I'm more likely to share interests in things with them like video games and cartoons. But media and society wants me to believe that men and women can't be "just friends", and if a guy does want to be just friends it's either because I'm fat and ugly, or he's gay, otherwise he just wants to get me into bed with him as quickly as possible Sadly, I believe that a lot more now than I used to. Also I was bullied and harassed a lot by boys in junior high while the girls were mostly indifferent. From what I hear now girls at school are just as violent as the boys, or even more so. I guess both genders really suck now.

I have mostly (exlusively?) male friends. I have a very hard time making a connection with females. Males are generally less concerned with 'faking it', as in pretending to be nice to people they don't like or pretending to be interested in things they don't find interesting etc. Females are too occupied with being clique-y (overgeneralisation), and turn vicious for the most ridiculous things. With men, if you have a disagreement, you have a disagreement, then move on, you don't hold on to grudges.
The female friends I have had over the years have all been considered 'masculine' by their female peer.

My personal theory is that it's because I'm slightly too odd to fit in with my gender. I feel less odd with the men, because there is already a cultural or societal difference (even if we like to pretend there is not), and my other oddlyness seem less than in the female group(s).

Yes, some guys are great for talking about specific things. My male friend doesn't mind talking about math at 11pm because he is equally obsessed about it. We both enjoy it, but I have reasons to assume that there's more to social life than talking about math (OK, sometimes, we also talk about science )...


I blame shows like HIMYM. Every guy who grew up with it thinks he needs to be like Barney Stinson. *sigh* Can we please get back the gender expectations from the 70's? I think I'd be more comfortable with them (oh, and the music was better, too).


I was bullied by both genders, so... But the people who stood up for me against the bullies were mostly girls.

In my experience I have also experienced a better fit with female friends than male friends. My close friends when i was a teen mostly were boys but now I would fit better with female friends.

A lot of men are way more emotionally superficial than I would be comfortable with, and are just not the type of person I could become close friends with. Men tend to behave very emotionally shallow (yet one would at first think this would be a girl trait) even with friends they have known for a long time. They would be up for a drink and a laugh, but that's about it. Anything deep or personal or emotional would be considered gay, and no go territory. This is the norm with traditional masculine views, where friendship is based around some activity and not emotional bonds.

I think it is an aspie thing also that male aspie tend not to be overly manly and aspie girls tend not to be overly girlish. Personally I'm not into football, any other sports, cars and all that.

We are probably a certain number of men that like female friends that are less emotionally distant, superficial and that we can create a bond with, and thus escape the glossiness of beer and football. And there would be a certain number of woman that like male friends that they can escape the glossiness of gossip and appearance with.

Yes, I wonder where it comes from. It must be a very recent thing in Western culture.

In high-school, we read a classical theater play from the 18th century which mentioned a close friendship between two men. My classmates' immediate reaction: "Haha, gay!"

English translation of the passage which provoked this reaction (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/6789/6789-h/6789-h.htm#link2H_4_0003):

Nowadays, male friends would never talk like that, whereas teenage girls on Facebook still do – although they use a slightly different language.

Sounds pretty gay to me too but different times and cultures have different cultural norms so it wouldn't have seemed gay back then.

If it sounded gay in 1787, it would certainly have been banned. The point is: If two girls talk like this, would anyone think they're lesbian?

I would but I'm not a demonstrative touchy feely type person.

Depends on what kind of people you associate with. I don't drink period and most of my friends are guys. Although I'll fully admit that my not drinking does create a bit of a disconnect between us. It's not really gender-specific though, I know just as many women who get drunk every weekend as men.

Stupid question, but what exactly do you do when you are with your friends?

It depends...go hiking, kayaking, cycling, watch movies/TV, play cards or board games, play volleyball, try new restaurants, or just sit around and talk.

This section may outline a theory to partly offer an explanation for this cultural turn:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bromance#Characteristics

But it is not something I really know anything about. I really wouldn't know.

So today's homophobia is Freud's fault because he told people: "If you have a close friendship with a man, you're gay inside"? ...