Why don't people hear me when I speak?

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I always find if I say something in a group conversation, I never get heard. I don't mean I talk too quietly or I talk at the ''wrong time'', I just mean even if I speak at a reasonable tone, when there's a gap, about anything relavent to the conversation, I still don't get heard. Even if I join in a joke, I still don't get noticed. I can tell.

It's like I'm tuned out in advance.

I hear others talking, and some people even mumble something and it gets heard, where as if I am almost yelling something, nobody hears me. Like the other day when I finished work, we were in the canteen and I got up and said, ''see you all later!'' I said it in a loud-ish, cheerful voice, like I see most people doing when they're getting up to go, and nobody heard me. Nobody was even looking at me. They were all just drawn to the most extroverted person of the group. So I said, ''bye!'', but nobody still heard. I mean surely it doesn't hurt to just put up your hand and say, ''bye'' back, even if you are in a conversation. I see other people yelling goodbyes when there's a group conversation and they still hear and say goodbye. I mean surely you don't just stand and wait until the conversation is over then say bye, especially if you've got a bus to catch or something.

That's not the only time. It's just one of many times it happens. That is why I dislike socialising. It's like I have a sticker on my forehead that says ''ignore me'' and people do, and I just exist. And yet when I'm just with one other person, I can interact like an NT without no issues.

Does anyone else feel you get ignored when in a group?

That's the same exact problem I have. If people really know me--family, SO, close friends--they can pick my voice out, but otherwise what I say goes into the either. It's kinda like the other "power" I have where I can be standing in the crowd and no one can see me, like I'm invisible. I have bonuses to my hide-in-plain-sight ability. I do wish, though, that I wasn't so invisible in sound, though, since I have some really good ideas that might help people with what they're doing...

i have that problem too, though it doesnt worry me but thats just me, some people with asd do worry about it more than others.

my husband have adhd and talks a lot in groups, but for some reason nobody seems to listen to him either, and he just end up talking to himself. he does sometimes get upset about it because it makes him feel silly, and so he sometimes stops socialising for a bit, but he wouldnt tell his friends. they invite him out but then he gets ignored. i feel quite sorry for him.

Same problem here. I do not talk too much, and they do not hear me. I think it is due to my deep, quiet voice and because I bore them. If they do listen to me, they quickly change to another topic and I get sidetracked again.
When explaining something, people often look at me with an unusual facial expression.

People are either assuming you're speaking to someone specific or assume someone else will do the acknowledging. I think what it all boils down to is that you haven't made a deeper connection with these people so they don't care to acknowledge you. Part of it might be that they "simply" don't care to - another part of it is, just as I've said - they don't think you are directing your comments to them because they don't have that relationship with you. It's not about being loud and center of attention - it's about connecting with others. Most people with ASD have a really hard time with this. Sorry to come off so blunt.

I can inwardly connect to others, like if someone says something I usually can relate, or I can cotton on to how they are feeling or thinking or whatever. But when I'm talking to someone one-on-one I can connect well, especially if I can see they go out of their way to want to interact with me, but then when we get into a group, they suddenly lose all interest in me.

And this is where neurotypical people can just flat out be mistaken. It's like they hang on the most popular person. Or, they view things as so hierarchical.

So, yes, I think these quote-unquote 'normal' people are missing a good opportunity to matter-of-factly practice host behavior and to include people.


* I mean, neurotypical people can be wrong, too. It's not all mistakes on our part.

I hear you on this. Sometimes I feel literally invisible (like mystranger). I remember at I party once I was sitting on a couch towards the edge of the group and several different people failed to notice I was there until they almost sat right on top of me. Almost like a dissillusionment charm had been caste to make me blend in with the couch. When I speak people do sometimes talk over me but equally often they will try to listen. I'm just not a good conversationalist so whatever I am saying people can't really feed off of and doesn't have an impact on the conversation.

The funny thing is that I usually prefer to participate very little but at the same time I get a bit sad and resentful that I can't be part of things?? Which is probably unfair to other people because I almost ask to be ignored and then get mad when I succeed. The best thing would be if I could just hang back and listen and try to enjoy the conversation, social environs or whatever and not be upset about not joining in. I wish I could chill out and enjoy peoples' company. Ironically if I could do that I would be more 'there' with people than when I am trying to join in (I get mired in my own thoughts about what to say and stop really listening to whats going on). Usually though, if I go the whole evening without speaking or being heard in some way (which is usually)...I just get upset about that and feel this sad sense of not existing. So I guess the fact of the matter is that I do want to be part of things but am not sure how yet.

Good insight, ASDsmom - having experienced this phenomena many times (and often quite painfully) over the years, I think you're spot-on correct. Just because you're part of the group and everybody knows your name, does not mean that as individuals they have connected and 'bonded' with you on any personal level, so when you speak aloud and don't name them directly, each person assumes you're talking to your own 'buddy' in the group, whoever that is, even though that may be no one at all. This may pass with time, as they get to know you, or you may find that after a while, you do connect with one person or two, but the rest of the group continues to ignore you, not like they hate you, but as though you're virtually invisible most of the time. To paraphrase Monty Python, "Its all part of growing up and being Aspie."

As far as nobody noticing when I leave, I rather welcome being able to slip away from a social obligation unnoticed.

The reason why I don't speak up much in group conversations is because of the fear of what this thread is about . I try my best but my best is normally not good enough and I experience being ignored, so I'm afraid to start speaking up more, just to see a load of people's backs facing me, and one person from the group might see it and interpret it the wrong way and think I'm just talking to myself. Sometimes people can be self-centered and just sit there and do nothing, except to ridicule me (inwardly, not out loud to me), and then view me in the wrong light. If ever I see a person being ignored in a group when they're trying to join in, I always feel their awkwardness, so I tend to answer them or give a little laugh or just do any sort of gesture that is compatible with what they just said. That makes me feel a whole lot better when someone else feels better. And then they say Aspies lack empathy??

Cas, I know how frustrating it must feel to your husband.

I do understand it happens to NTs aswell, though. The other day at work at lunchtime, some of the carers were talking about an elderly resident, and one of the carers didn't quite catch the name of the elderly resident they were talking about, and I heard her say, ''who?'' about 5 times before she got heard. And this carer isn't unpopular.

I think it also takes confidence aswell. Like if that was me in the same position of this carer, I probably would have said, ''who?'' about once or twice, then given up and went back to being quiet. I think if I gained a little more confidence I could try and make myself more heard by not giving up until I get heard (without appearing demanding or anything), and not feeling awkward or embarrassed.

So I think confidence can also take part. I don't mean it as in extroverted, because the word ''confidence'' comes in different contexts. I just mean I need more confidence in myself and to keep up a social flow rather than backing out timidly. But it's knowing where and when to start which is the problem.

Are you sure this isn't about speaking to softly ? I know someone who tells me his tone is normal, but no one hears him (me neither..). I do hear other people, even mumbling or different conversations at the same time when I in the focus zone. But he simply talks too softly!

Sometimes I have the same problem as well, other people don't seem to hear me. Then I just start to talk more loud and the problem is solved. Most people just hear less than 'we' do as well. So that might be thingy as well.

A great deal of group communication relies on social status.

Do you feel like the character, Jerry, on Parks and Recreation? That's the only element of that sit com I don't think is funny.

This happens to me every now and then, more as I get older. People (mostly family) just tune me out. It's hard because I have important things to say and when they don't hear me, it screws something up. I know they don't care about me as a person but they hurt themselves, too.

There's this other thing about me that's just the opposite. When I go someplace where people don't know me or see me often, I get the rock star treatment - especially with my larger family - cousins, aunts, etc... I walked into a family reunion a few years back and the place lit up like they'd been waiting for me to start the party. Other siblings who were already there got their noses seriously out of joint that I was receiving such praise and attention.

This sometimes happens at church or community meetings. I can't figure it out. I'm not sure which reception is less desirable. I'm not all that comfortable being the center of attention. I can do it, but not for long. I'd be happy with something in the middle but it is what it is. Find new friends.

Yes this is pretty much what I was going to say. If these are people you have associated with for a while, they will have gotten used to you not giving much input. The sound of your voice is therefore not salient to them, so they don't expect your words to be directed at them. That's the way I see it, because I tend not to have the same problem with new acquaintances. They will be friendly and acknowledge my greetings, but only for so long. Pretty soon they will see me (subconsciously perhaps) as someone who doesn't care much for talking to them (even though that may not be true) and will "tune out" to my voice even when I do try to build rapport.

This is a big part of it. Another is what is being said...if you are saying things that don't really have much of an impact or that just confirm/agree with what is already being said, then people will be far more likely to dismiss your comments. Whereas if you provide an interesting opinion on the topic, throw out some expert knowledge on the issue, or make a funny enough joke, then people are more likely to listen. I've had the same situation happen with several groups of people in the past, and I've found that it's really a mixture of both of these factors, and that it can change over time (either for better or worse) depending on how you handle yourself in conversations around them.