How can you learn to cope with social fear?

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I'm sorry if this comes off as too...unspecific.

I would say the worst thing i have ever fealt, next to committing horrendous social mistakes, is a sort of forebodding fear. sometimes when i wish to do something, such as post a reply on a forum, join a group of new friends, attempt to socialize with people whom i have blundered significantly around (socially of cou rse), or contribute to a large group conversation, it literally feels as if a large warning sign makes itself known. in a matter of seconds, it feels as if i am painfully aware of every possible thing that can go wrong, every outcome, and every consequence.

a way to compare it would be...say...writing an essay and anticipating what your teacher will say, before and as you write.

this fear is INCREDIBLY overwhelming. sometimes i even stop what i am doing, such as stopping midsentence or even turning the other direction when walking to a group, because the fear, a fear almost of messing up, is too overpowering.

unluckily for me, my extreme causion is backed up by my history of social blunders

so how about everyone else? what's a good way to cope this fear, hmm, maybe even master it, as it is a major hinderance in my social pursuits?

I can definitely relate to this and when I get the initial feelings of fear that prohibit me from trying new things, I also get this intense and horrible feeling of dread where my mind decides to replay past social fumbles and mistakes which only deters me even more.

I think this feeling you describe is a pretty natural thing that is common to those with aspergers, depressive disorders and general social anxiety, so at least try to gain some comfort from the fact you aren't alone with it. Perhaps making people aware of your social difficulties and accepting them yourself will go a long way to solving this fear problem.
The feeling itself is coming from stepping into situations that are unpredictable and that are not in your comfort zone. Your mind is essentially panicking and simulating every scenario in order to make sense of the unpredictable world of social interaction.

I cope with new situations and new experiences by trying to prepare for them as much as I can in advance. If meeting with people I don't know, I research them before I actually meet with them. This makes them more predictable again. Although you are unspecific, if I take the example of contributing to a group conversation, Facebook + social networking is your friend. Do a little detective work on people you know, to learn their interests and learn some interesting facts/jokes for conversation lulls.

With a well practiced conversational routine, you can anticipate people's responses and you can use well timed questions to pigeonhole people into a certain conversation where you are more comfortable or more practiced. This is an imperfect solution, since sometimes you can be standing around with someone for a whole hour while they suffer through your monologue on the difference between friedel-crafts alkylation and acylation, but this is why researching other's interests is key so that you try to steer to topics others might enjoy.

Hope this helps

It's not too unspecific. I (think I) can understand that. My fear is more of an ongoing pervasive anxiety than exactly a 'dread' in most situations). Even so it stops me doing things. Best way to deal with the fear? I don't know...some possible tips are: Talk to someone you trust. (well duh, but it does help) Try not to focus endlessly on the upcoming event before or after it takes place. Do something fun and distracting instead if at all possible. Keep going to social situations but give yourself a time limit, say, I will just drop in for a half hour and then plan to go home and do something else. Try to seek out (comparatively) less overwhelming social situations (maybe going to the movies or some short structured activity or a club at school where there is less pressure to make a lot of free form conversation and it has a clear start/end). As cliche as it is, you probably remember your blunders (if they really were such) longer and more vividly than the majority of the people around you. And if they won't let go of your 'blunders' they aren't worth your time, find better people to focus your efforts on.

i guess my anxiety is partialy about unpredictable situatons. but it's also a little of something else. while i'm not perfect at social skills (believe, no one is. even some 'neurotypicals' admit that they have much to learn), i have spent the last 4 or so years focusing solely on social skill development, and it's been largely successful.

it's more like...i'm watching myself so i don't cause people to ever think poorly of me again. I never again want to do something that makes people stop and say "uh...wat's up with dude?". hehe, unfortunately it translates into a large amount of problems. i take what people say about me very seriously (working on curbing this X(.), which is bad because people don't always mean what they say, either they are joking or it's an attitude that will only last the situation, and i will admit i've made a fool of myself plenty of times for latching on unnaturally to wat people say about me.

Normally i'm nominally ok. the other day i hung with some peeps at the mall and we had a blast. other times, i work myself into a whole that's hard to get out of. a few weeks ago the members of the band leadership hung out at a friends house. all nominally outgoing people. i know every single one...yet i could barely get myself to talk, mostly cuz i felt i couldn't and...i have blundered BIG TIME with these guys (well...it's only big to me. none show any sign that they hold anything bad to me). the entire time i was yelling at myself to engage because i knew i was capable, and that only contributed to a thickening of the shell.

please note that this isn't a constant feeling. i usually go through phases, from quite normal, clear thinking, to a more anxious, depressed feeling. it's not random, usually an event triggers it.

so essentially, it's like i'm protecting myself by putting myself into a shell. that shell prohibits me from reaching out and feeling connected. hehe, i wouldn't say you would notice on the outside. the more mistakes made, the thicker i make it. the thicker it becomes...the more i want out. yet...it feels impenetrable. the agony of self-imposed isolation is even greater, until someone is able to engage me. with my mind no longer supporting, the shell loses it's support and crumbles.

but that's not to say it won't come back.

hehe, sorry if it sounds like i'm disregarding what you guys said, far from it. i'm only trying to give my situation some more context

I really encourage you, don't let school be your only social venue. Maybe mull over a couple of community groups, and if one feels right, try a foray.

And you realize of course that walking up to a group of people is an ambitious social skill. Even someone with above average set of social skills, sometimes can pull this off and sometimes can't. I don't know if luck is quite the right word, but with social endeavors there's something very similar to luck. The coin of the realm seems to be slightly undertrying, going with the flow, and responding to the here and now.

oh, i most definitely get what you mean XD.

a good percentage it luck, like if the right something happens that you make a noticeable comment on, if they happen to be of the temperament that allows for new friends to be easily made, or if someone you know happens to be among a group (cuz then you have an excuse -^\).

of course, the hard part comes when you are put in an area where you know no one -^.

but anyway, i can understand how making situations more predictable will help, at least with newer situation. it doesn't necessarily help with being put into "old" situations, one's where it is the outcome that you dread (as well as other lasting effects)

I see. Thanks for the additional details. From what you describe my advice seems not quite relevant to your situation. x), oh well. I watch myself too. And...this....

"so essentially, it's like i'm protecting myself by putting myself into a shell. that shell prohibits me from reaching out and feeling connected. hehe, i wouldn't say you would notice on the outside. the more mistakes made, the thicker i make it. the thicker it becomes...the more i want out. yet...it feels impenetrable. the agony of self-imposed isolation is even greater, until someone is able to engage me. with my mind no longer supporting, the shell loses it's support and crumbles. " (sorry, don't know how to do the quote thing when I have already started typing the response)

Sounds familiar too (though again what I am imagining in my mind might be slightly different from what you mean).

hehe, thunderstorms we may never know. every processes stuff differently, so no two people are bound to think EXACTLY the same thing. heh, but for all we know, even if it isn't 100% close to my mental model, you could be thinking about it similarly.

it's kind of like an automatic defense strategy: in response to unfavorable outcomes or mistakes, almost automticaly i remove the risk. this can involve avoiding the situation, or simply not talking. but even then, avoidance causes it's own problems. uwah...sometimes i wish there was an easy solution to this kind of stuff -^.

meh, but i figure, if it was, where would the fun in that be X3?

I think everyone, both those of us on the Spectrum and those quote-unquote 'normal' (and no such thing as 'normal' anyway and how boring the world if there were ) has an internal censor which quickly reviews something before I say it. I have had some success making a conscious decision to turn down my internal censor so that the default setting is that it's probably okay to go ahead and say it anyway unless it clearly jumps out to me as inappropriate. Combined with . . .

Combined with, if a person needs space, go ahead and give him or her space.

When dealing with social fears and phobia, I find it's a good idea to think through the issue and ask yourself 'why' you are anxious, what is making you resist socialising. Basically ask yourself what's the worst that can happen?/what have I got to lose? think about what the answer is, and decide how you will deal with a worst case scenario.

It depends how much you want friends of course, but if you really do want a social life, you'll need to get through these barriers. Sometimes it takes time.

As a teenager I was very much afraid of making friends, I just did the easy comfortable thing of latching onto my parent's friends and relatives. Instinctively I guess I was worried what parent's/others would think of my choice of friends, as it's not generally something logical, so although I could happily chat to my elders about cars, instinctively I was very shy.

One piece of encouragement, I've found that 'as you get older, you get bolder' !

For me it was a gradual process. Whenever facing a fear I would initially avoid the situation or break down, but recognizing I had a problem I found a way of lying to myself long enough to face the issue. It manifested as a forced optimism, a sort of shield of ego to get myself to do what I had to. And then the bubble would pop and I'd be left uncomfortable and out of place, but not terrified. I'd want to just go home afterwards. It wasn't fun. It was a challenging process full of mistakes: throwing myself at life and falling. Each time, however, I built up more of a shell. It became easier each time I tried the same thing. I had to stop a few of the social experiments because I was putting myself into genuinely dangerous situations just to challenge myself, but I think the challenges themselves were good for me. I worked my way bit by bit out of severe depression, into a less severe depression, and then found a place in my life where I get sad sometimes and lonely but overall I'm content, and the sad times are balanced by happy times. Depression and social anxiety are not exactly the same, but for me they were intertwined and fed into each other so I dealt with them both in about the same way.