Maintaining a Friendship

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I'll start out with giving a little background. I'm into my first year at university now, and I'm going to a college in my hometown so I'm still living at home with my parents. I had been planning on going to a business college just outside of Boston, but when I flew out to attend orientation I just knew it was the last thing I should actually do. I thought going to the college in my hometown would be alright, and I knew that one of my few friends was going there as well, and I was glad to find out that she and I were going to have some classes together. I've known her for about two years and she's been one of my closest (relatively, anyway) friends for about one year. I thought having classes with her would be good and allow me to feel more sociable and therefore make it easier to make more friends, but in reality I've essentially just been dragged along by her as she makes friends, and during the past several weeks of classes I have not made any new friends of my own. I only really have two friends in town, including her, and I get to see my other friend once a month if I'm lucky since he works two jobs.
The friend I go to school with became my friend last year when we began talking about various things, and she seemed to be one of the only people I could have in-depth discussion about a variety of topics with, since I'm usually quite bad at small talk. Recently, however, It feels as though I've hit the limit of her depth, or at least that's how it feel to me. In the conversations I've had with her in the past few weeks she has sounded much like a broken record. Some of it I don't blame her for at all, but at the same time I've been getting frustrated with her, with our friendship, and with myself because I feel I'm the one perceiving a problem where others would not. Basically, all of my interactions with her have consisted of her talking to me about her boyfriend (the same boyfriend she's been venting her problems with to me for the past year) and how hard it is for her with him in the Marines now (Which is a totally valid thing for her talk about a lot, I understand it, but it's nearly all she talks about: How stressed she is, how proud she is, how hard it is, how great the marines are, how being a marine is going to make her boyfriend hotter, etc.), the Beatles and her hatred of John Lennon, and a personal thing that happened to her years ago. I rarely ever get a chance to actually say anything back to her, but when I thought I was going to be moving out near Boston, we began writing each other letters, and we agreed to keep writing even though we're both still in town seeing as writing letters let's me actually say all the things I don't know how to say aloud. My main way of actually communicating things to her is through those letters, and in those letters she's learned all about my depression, anxiety, and loneliness. In her responding letters she always sympathizes with me and says she will always be there for me, yet whenever I actually try to have a conversation with her beyond responding with one to two word phrases as she talks about the Marines and her boyfriend, we both end up frustrated with each other, because she won't let me say anything without her having to explain why I'm wrong and stupid for having that opinion (basically). It's getting very hard to me to still feel that I'm content in the friendship, but at the same time I'm very, very loyal and have a hard time thinking of doing anything that could even potentially damage a friendship, especially when I have only two friends. I want something to change with the friendship, or to just abandon it somehow, because I don't want things to continue the way they are. I'm torn because I really value the friendships I make, and I still consider this friend a good person, it's just hard for me to deal with how frustrated being her friend is making me. I'd really like to do something to help either change my view on the friendship or start taking steps to improve it, but I have no idea what to do at this point. Even if I'm advised to kind of escape the friendship, I'd also like to do something to help me maintain the friendship for some time, because I'm afraid of how low I might get with only one friend I can't even communicate with on a fairly regular basis.

Have any of you been frustrated like this? I'm just not sure what to do in this situation, and I don't want it to just carry on the way it has been, because I've just been feeling more and more frustrated by how I feel in this friendship.

I read some advice online a long time ago that said, "Different friends are good for different things." I took that to heart, and I tell my children the same thing. Some friends are really good at listening and empathizing, while others might be good for going on a walk with, or going shopping with, or sharing a mutual hobby.

This friend isn't meeting a need you have, but that doesn't mean she couldn't fill other needs. If she causes you pain and you just can't be around her, then it's okay to leave the friendship. Sometimes it really is better to be alone than to be with someone toxic. But you have to decide for yourself if she's toxic, or if she's just not the type of friend who's very good for listening and empathizing. You will probably have to find that from someone else.

Thanks for that advice. I guess I've just been expecting the friends I do have to fulfill more of my friendship needs since I have so few of them. My other friend seems to be better in meeting my idea of a well rounded friend, but I don't even see him that often, it could be in large part that I rarely get to interact with him. I'd like to believe that I can still be friends with the aforementioned girl, but I guess I'm worried that if I don't find some more friends to meet different needs I might feel the need to abandon the friendship and irreversibly damage the relationship.

If you are suffering from depression, you really need to see a therapist. Their job is to give you the unconditional support that you need, that others may be unable to give you.

My parents don't really have the money for that, and they wouldn't support or understand my desire to see a therapist. I would also likely be prescribed anti-depressants, which even if I could afford I probably wouldn't take for fear they might impact my creativity, as I've heard has happened to others.

Have you talked to them about your depression? If you are suffering clinical depression, it's not something you can just toughen up and power through, especially with so little support. I find it odd that any parent wouldn't support a child wanting and needing to gt help, unless they just don't believe you're depressed. Your profile says you're 18 years old. You're old enough to advocate for yourself without your parents. The first step would be to look for resources at your university. There may be campus counselors, and at the very least, you could get help finding resources for you. If there is something out there that could help, it would be a shame not to get it just because you didn't know it was there.

If you are covered under your parents' medical coverage, it may cover the cost of therapy. (It often does.) If you have no medical coverage, I would highly suggest looking into government or school assistance.

As for anti-depressants, you don't have to take them if you don't want to. A therapist or doctor might feel strongly that they would help, but ultimately the decision is yours. No one is going to force you to take them. You can get therapy without meds.

A note about meds, though. I was the kind of person who was really wary of taking them, too, but they're not that big of a deal. It's not like all of a sudden you feel like an entirely new person or something. In fact, the effects are quite minimal. For me, I wasn't able to get off the couch and do the dishes, then I took meds and one day realized, "huh... I'm doing the dishes."

If the meds actually do something that's unpleasant, you can always just quit taking them.

It's all your choice, but you already know that you NEED support, and it's affecting your friendship because she's not giving you what you need, and you're scared you can't get it somewhere else. I highly, highly recommend therapy. A good therapist is amazing... and so relieving.

I feel like I can't really talk to them about my depression. I just told them a few months ago that I'm an atheist, not a Christian as I had been trying to be up until that point, and I already know from past experiences that whenever someone in the church they go to talked about having depression, or if they tried to commit suicide, my parents really avoided them and the topic. I think my mother mentioned that she suffered from something like depression earlier in her life, but she says it just meant she needed to find God, and as soon as she did she was better, which may have worked for her, but won't work for me. I can already tell that I'll have to deal with depression for the rest of my life because it just doesn't go away, no matter what I manage to accomplish.
I've thought about going to the counselor my university offers, but I just wouldn't know how to approach and handle doing that. I'm not sure that I want to get an actual diagnosis yet anyway, I don't want to burden my parents while I'm still living with them. My dad's probably going to lose his job by the end of this year, he's essentially already been notified of that much, and I can't even get so much as a part-time job, so I would just feel so bad knowing that I'm the autistic, depressed son who can't even get a job bagging groceries. I want to get help, it just never seems like the right time. There's always something more important to worry about.

Depression can get better. It might be something you struggle with your whole life, but it CAN get much easier, and you can live a happy, fulfilled life. I say this from experience.

If you get a diagnosis of depression, you don't necessarily have to tell your parents. And you're right, there's never a "right" time.

If you want help finding out who you're supposed to talk to, you can PM me the name & location of your university. You don't have to tell me your personal information. I don't even need to know your name. I could call the university and find out and then report back to you if you wanted to.

I think I might try to see if I can see a therapist through my doctor. I think my father's job still provides insurance for the time being, so I might see if I can go to the doctor for something I actually need, then ask for help with my depression while there. My mother works with autistic children, and she recognized that I had some form of it a few years ago, but I've never gone in to get a real diagnosis, because I was always opposed to being thought of as any different. Now that it's become more painfully apparent that I can't quite fully blend in with everyone else, I've been wanting the formal diagnosis anyway, which would take going to a therapist to confirm anyway, I believe, so I might be able to bring it up then.

I know where to go at my university more or less, I even think I know how to go about arranging an appointment of some sorts, I just don't know how I would actually try to begin even talking about it in that setting. I don't know if it would be better for me to try to see the counselor at my university or the therapist my doctor would connect me to. I feel like I do need to try to see one of them soon, because I'm tired of being stuck like this without even really being able to show what I'm dealing with.

Don't be afraid of a diagnosis. Sometimes it can actually empower you, and make you feel like you have more control over your life because you understand what's going on and you know how to get resources. And it sounds like you're the kind of person who can take proactive action in your life. Getting the help you need is actually *lifting* a burden off of your parents' shoulders.

Don't worry about what to say to a therapist. It's their job to worry about that, and they're trained to help you figure out what to say. To me, I've often felt like my therapist was like having a "rent-a-friend." You get an hour of time with someone who is patient, kind, and is highly trained in relationships and human thought.

You can do it!!

Thanks for your help. I think I'll try to contact either my doctor or the counselor at my university in the next few days now.