Friendship or just uusin the other

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How can you see the difference if someone want to be/is your friend or just uses you?

I recently lost a "friend" who all of the sudden is no more in trouble, thus does not need me. ...and left me. Does not speak to me...sittind 2 meter away every day. I did not see this comming.

How could I avoid this happening again without closing the whole world and every people out?

Casually slip into conversation your life feeling about fair play and impact of its breaching. Extract an impression of the freind's attitude to that issue.

Push it with any regular groups you take part in.

I worry the most about people who don't know me very well but ask for many things or for big things. Turn every conversation into a vent about their problems, give them money, come over and fix their stuff, etc. I also watch how willing they are to return the gestures.

Is it the best approach? I'm not sure, but it's worked for me so far.

It's certainly the wise way to protect yourself if money is involved. Don't want to be seen as a source of money, one sidedly, by a friend to their manipulative advantage. Different if they are poor, though.

When an ex-schoolmate with a quite bossy side was back in touch as a friend, in my twenties, I became offended when I noticed a on-sided pattern. That anything I suggested going to she never said yes to, never saw as worth bothering to do, and could be quite bored sounding and withering in saying so, and initiating anything is a big aspie weakness I have, I find it hard and she obviously did not make me find it any less hard. While, she used to get really indignant if I ever chose not to bother with something she suggested doing. Went on about "why you have to spurn" an evening class she was doing and I at one visit to had found crap. I decided to start digging in and saying no to her suggestions for the sake of it until she indicated any likelihood to say yes to anything from me. Instead she eventually drifted away.

Would I have been better off doing everything she wanted to keep her as company? Obviously not, that way I would have become controlled.

Friendship is inherently about using the other party.

Of course, the idea is that a bond develops which puts deeper feeling and "loyalty" into the relationship than just what you gain from being around the other person.

"Friendship is inherently about using the other party."

This is the thing I can't seem to cope with. I'm just getting used ...but I don't know how much I get out of it. As soon (not that soon...) as I get confident that one is my friend it turns out ...she was _not_...just needed my help or something.

In "my world" a friend is whom I care for even if I don't want anything and don't say anything and the other shares this feeling. Of course it has to stem from something it has to start some way... and it takes ages to evolve (at least in me).

But I throw up from this lets "use each others resources" ... if this is friendship I don't want it

Well, why does ANYONE make a friend?

Companionship?

Someone to do things with?

Someone to talk to?

In a sense, it's all about USING the other person for something.

If it's a good relationship, it become more than about what YOU get from the other person being in your life.

I think it simply means that when we form friendships, we want them with specific people for reasons, even if those reasons aren't material. Because they make us feel good, because they help us, because they understand us, because they're fun. I don't think it's the same thing as using someone as just a means to an end, where it's all about getting money, stuff fixed, or being told we're right.

I had to learn to give all relationships the "test". Because I didn't know how much or how little to give, I always gave too much. One day, my husband explained to me that in a 14 year friendship with a friend, that I had only been her friend but she had not been mine. So now, I just stop comminicating to see if they reach back to me. The sad part has been that people have RARELY reached back to m. Those few that did were my real friends. But now I have also realized that people don't give to each other like I did. They don't give of their time or their abilities. I am having to learn to give less. I have a lot more peace. I have found that many seemingly good people took full advantage of my giving without ever giving back or iving me any consideration. It never seemed to bother them. It has causedme deep hurt and made me withdraw from people quite a bit with distrust.

I had to learn to give all relationships the "test". Because I didn't know how much or how little to give, I always gave too much. One day, my husband explained to me that in a 14 year friendship with a friend, that I had only been her friend but she had not been mine. So now, I just stop comminicating to see if they reach back to me. The sad part has been that people have RARELY reached back to m. Those few that did were my real friends. But now I have also realized that people don't give to each other like I did. They don't give of their time or their abilities. I am having to learn to give less. I have a lot more peace. I have found that many seemingly good people took full advantage of my giving without ever giving back or iving me any consideration. It never seemed to bother them. It has causedme deep hurt and made me withdraw from people quite a bit with distrust.

Think in terms of reserves. You have X dollars towards "helping" or contributing to a project or event with a person. After dispensing your resource, be it time, money, whatever. Wait, see if the other person reciprocates in their own way, a desire to also lend something to you, which they value.

I don't know, but I must say that I am guilty of using people sometimes.

There are certain people in my life who I would rather not be friends with but I choose to hang out with them occasionally for something.

Like before I turned 21, I used to call up a friend I knew from when I was 16 so he could buy me alcohol. Sometimes we'd go out to eat at a fast food joint or drink together, but most of the time he was just getting me the booze and I'd split.

I think if someone calls you only because they need something from you, that's a pretty good sign right there.

When I was younger I think there were a few times that people tried to just use me, but since I preferred to be alone and usually avoided people, they couldn't really use me since I'd just blow them off.

Story of my life. People have always been using me thus far, because of my good intentions, and always always taking advantage of me
They come to you all nice, with lamb skin, but what they've got? A wolf's skin...



I think that's one of my problems. I've always given too much, I try my best, being very very very good and they do that
Maybe the problem is because of being too good?

If the person is not talking to you when you are in close proximity then it sounds like the person is either upset about something that happened or thinks you are upset. Are you sure the person just all of a sudden doesn't need you anymore therefore is not talking to you or is that your interpretation of the situation?

People who "use" other people are fake. Fake people wouldn't stop talking to you if you were sitting 2 meters away because they are always working the system. Think about politics. Politicians don't typically ignore people because they are quite aware of the fact that even though they don't need the person right this second they may need them in the future.

I am not sure how close you are to this person, but if you really do care then I would try to initiate conversation. If they ignore you then just say "Is everything ok? You seem upset about something" Be nice but be confident in who you are when you do this. If they see any little bit of weakness they will take advantage of you.

The best thing to do in these situations is not to address it at all and just act like nothing happened. Just talk to them like you normally would etc. It shouldn't; have to be this big guessing game. Don;t draw too much attention to it otherwise it might create something that isn;t there

It is very hard to tell if someone is using you. Sometimes we have to find out the hard way who are friends are but don;t let that stop you from making new friends. Just try not to get too close to people too early. We don;t ask acquaintances for money or to do things for us. We just don't. So stay clear from those people.

Inviting you to do things such as go to the movies or to a party etc. are usually good signs that someone is interested in forming a friendship with you, but again just keep your distance until you know them better.

Well I did suspect her to be depressed as this whole story involved her moving to a new country. She actually started to ignore me already when she lived in my house (she needed a place to stay until she gets one for her own). I tryed to ask her what is going on several times.
Now she haven’t even told me where she lives in town.
But she looks everything but depressed now.(to the contrary to me). She is totally absorbed in a new friendship with a colleague of us (who by the way never wanted to be my friend). They keep giggling all day…even stayin overtime in the f**** office I writing now and chit-chat. …They would stop and look waiting to me if I went there.



Maybe she is not that good politician, but she is fake in certain tings…she is quite a “snob”. Probably I’ve gown to be rival or I don’t know…this is complicated. We are colleagues after all. And she is an extrovert, has a lot of “friends” whatever this means to her.



Close enough to annoy others by always talking about her.
I did try to ask her to have a coffee and a chat with me for the last half year. She never has time for it, or money, or just don’t want to drink coffee. I certainly forgot how to even talk to her.



But how to act normally? What is normal in the first place. (I don’t remember…this is going on for a year now) To strangers I do not speak. I greet my colleagues. That’s it.
I don’t feel confortable asking “How was your trip?” When I got to know that she vent on a holiday to Mallorca from a third person.
I did try to ask them separately out to the movie, both were “ohhh, sure.” and never asked back when or what…they just did not have time (or I don’t know).



It wasn’t too early. It was a friendship for 3-4 years. She did not ask me for money either.
But now I know that I won’t be friends with people with the same views as hers ever.

I just don’t know how to ask her WHY?... just that I know what I shouldn’t do again. I don’t want her back….if it ever was a friendship. Now I see how she never wanted to have certain activities with me what she does with others she calls friends.

…I would so much love not to see it

I suspect -- from the mention of 'sitting two metres away' -- that this so-called 'friendship' arose through work or study, which forces the OP back into contact with this person.

If that inference is correct, then the brief 'friendship' is typical of the situations that can arise in such circumstances. Generally, colleagues are not your friends, although they might appear to be in some situations. But most of them would drop you in the s**t at a moment's notice in order to save their own necks or further some petty agenda. If you were sacked on the spot and frogmarched out of the building, >90 per cent of your colleagues wouldn't even look up from their work.

Perhaps that's an unduly negative view to take, but it mirrors my own experience with NT 'professionals'. At work (and to a lesser degree, in academic situations) you are a dolphin in a world of sharks, and need to protect yourself emotionally.

However, I disagree with the poster who suggested that friendships were about mutual exploitation.

A good and healthy friendship is a mutually-beneficial emotional relationship with another person, in which shared experiences, emotions and attitudes form the basis of a lasting bond, which matures and develops (in sometimes unpredictable ways) throughout the length of that friendship. And sometimes friendships come to a natural end, although for the AS partner this can be incomprehensible when the expectation was of a lifelong partnership.