Is reclusion the answer?

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I'm a little tired, so I'm not as clearheaded as I was earlier, but my whole reason for joining the site today was to ask your opinions about loneliness. I'll try to be as clear as possible, and I'll re-edit this afterwards if I need to. This is probably going to be a rant, so be prepared.

When I was in high school, I was lucky enough to have three good, close friends. I didn't have to struggle through small talk and social gatherings to befriend them, it happened randomly because we were all very strange compared to a lot of the students. Well, shortly before graduation, one of them was in an accident and lost their memory and changed in personality. About a year or two after graduation, one started a family and the other moved away. They both attained jobs and could drive a car. I could do neither at the time, and was still living with my parents. (Still am, actually.) I am friends with them on facebook but I haven't kept up with them, as I feel I have nothing in common with them anymore. In school we got to be weird and talk about whatever. Now they have lives of their own to discuss among more like minded friends, and everyone's interests have changed, including mine. So I don't know how to relate to them anymore.

I finally learned how to drive on my own this year and have been doing so since August, so now I feel like I have something to relate with those of my age group, and I am still in the process of job searching. But even though I feel like I'm getting to where I need to be in life, I still feel like making more friends is an impossibility. I DESPISE small-talk with a passion, yet it seems that everyone in my community is an NT, and that they all use small-talk as only precursor to making friends. I've had people be kind to me, show interest in me, invite me places; but once they realize that I fail to entertain them with small talk, they leave me to be by myself because "I never like to talk".

I don't know what to do about that. I know friendship requires talking, but I can't stand conversation. I don't enjoy prying into other people's life experiences. It's not that I don't care about people; but when I have curiosities about others I stay silent about them until they bring the specific topic up themselves. Unlike others who are so quick to ask "What's your major? What school do you go to? How many siblings do you have? What's your favorite tv show?" These are all such mundane subjects to me, and I hate taking up time answering questions about my daily life when I could be accomplishing something more important. (I'm fixated on using all my time for productivity; if I feel that I am being unproductive I get extremely anxious and it's BAD.) To be honest, I don't want friends for deep discussions and watching movies and talking about life. I mainly get joy out of company itself, and having another living being in the same room as me. Because anything more than that for over 20 minutes frustrates me and makes me shut down.

Does this mean that I am incapable of having friends? The conventional process of friendship-making makes me feel nauseous, and the more time passes I just feel like I can't keep being around people if this is what they demand of me all the time. It takes up all my energy, and I need it to focus on the other areas in my life that need repair. So what do I do? I feel alone and disconnected from the rest of the world, and it weighs heavier and heavier on me every day. I just want someone who doesn't put that pressure to be normal onto me that I could share experiences with in the present. I wish that was possible. I figured the closest thing to that would be a cat, but I can't afford pets and my mother is allergic anyway....I don't know how to deal with the emptiness. It's messing with my head.

welcome to WP
solitude is an option, but not pleasant for many. but it works for a few. maybe you are among those few?

Thank you for your reply ^_^

It feels like that's where I'm headed. But I don't think I'm among those few. I hate being alone, it's just that I'm the least stressed out when I am. :/

This is EXACTLY how I feel, being around mostly NTs throughout middle school, high school, and now my first year of college. That's seven long years that I haven't been able to socialize with those that mean most to me! 2% of the world's population now has some form of autism/Asperger's, but still we're not understood! I need to find a way too, because friends and romance are both important places where communication is necessary. Maybe support groups could help people like us?

I'm very serious about what I am going to say here, because I lived in isolation in the past, and while it feels "safe," it will eventually kill you.

There is a verse in Scripture, near the beginning of Genesis, which says, "It is not good for man to be alone." Now, it's okay to have time alone. We Aspies need more of that than most people. But it is essential for our mental health that we learn to make friends and do things with people. I know that learning NT skills really hurts, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

There may be Aspie support groups in your area which could help you come out of your shell.

I hope this helps.

^^^
but some of us are just not fixable, we were born with fatal flaws with no workarounds, and no amount of mental fuzzbusting and horatio alger wishful thinking is going to change things to any major extent. no matter how i try to be nice to people, i just seem to bring out their worst, and vice-versa.

Oh. That sounds very despairing.

i left despair in my rear view mirror long ago, now am driving through resignation on the long and winding road to oblivion.

Does anything bring you joy? Have you tried medicine?

yes of course, there are things that bring me joy, namely music. strattera worked but my health insurance plan stopped covering it and it costs $20 per capsule, not something i can afford. the thing that can work for me are either le petit mort or le grande mort.

I understand.

are you actually what you say you are in your profile? just curious.

Yes.

OP I believe you will make friends again since you did once that means you are capable of once again making friends. You just need to not give up on it.

that is REALLY fascinating!

Really? I bet there are a good number of priests out there with Asperger's who were drawn to the faith by their reasoning and logic (Christian metaphysics, etc.). I know a few. They usually end up teaching because they tend to be brilliant, and the powers that be can see that they're not suited for parish work. As for me, I'm pretty bleeping brilliant myself but I'm also sort of social, so the powers that be decided to forget about me. So I am a run-of-the-mill associate pastor. I bury people, marry people, and all-around have to be with people a lot. It's a job that I can do with my little finger. I get bored and tired a lot. So for 4 hours a day I sequester myself in my room and try to breathe and try to fight depression and sensory overload, and hoping that maybe one day I can teach in the seminary This is my life right now.

It's not a bad life. I deeply love being a priest. Also, I have financial security. My job, however, takes a lot out of me because I feel so deeply. I do love preaching -- I have zero stage fright -- and I know how to communicate a message to an NT audience. One-on-one however I get drained. I've learned scripts: "Beautiful weather!" "How about those Cardinals / Red Sox?" "What a nice day!" Etc.

I'm not saying the following to preach to you; it's just my own personal story. Without God and my becoming a priest I wouldn't have made it in life. I couldn't do any other job. I've been tested. I'm way off the genius charts. But I can't do a regular job. I'm too dysfunctional, in a way. If it weren't for God I would have given up on life long ago. If it weren't for God I wouldn't be able to make sense of the confusion and strangeness which is so often my life.

Forgive me if I've said too much. I am a very good priest, but I do not pretend to be perfect or not to struggle. It's hard being an Aspie. It's a blessing and a curse. No one can understand but us.

Last edited by JSBACHlover on 23 Oct 2013, 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.