How to stop being dominated socially

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An example of what I mean: I've lived with my sister and her daughter for the past few years. Now my niece is 14 and right now my sister is away for a weekend, and I let my niece take over the house by having a load of her friends over for a party. This is the first time it happened, but I'm pretty sure it wont be the last. I'm real laid back and don't mind her having parties every now and again but I don't wanna get dominated like that by letting them take over the house. I have no problem kicking them out if things get outta hand, or if my niece asks me to intervene with something then I'd do it no problem, but the issue I have is I avoid social situates so I don't wanna go into the kitchen where the big crowd is if I don't have to. I've had this same problem for years now with my brothers and my mother when they have big groups of friends over to the house.

Now its different though cuz I'm an adult and this is a bunch of 14 year olds. While I'm really laid back (almost pathologically so), I feel a bit of a sense of responsibility here, as in I should make sure they're not getting too drunk and things don't get outta control. The idea of walking into the big crowd of them and laying down the rules (i.e. telling them what part of the house they can and can't go) feels real awkward to me though, so I don't know how to go about asserting myself. Right now I'm just leaving it to my niece to control the party, but I should be the one laying down the rules. I'm pretty big and intimidating, I should be able to do this with ease (especially in this case, since I'm only dealing with a bunch of teenagers), but I just have to get over this fear of socialising.

Socializing aside, you don't say where you live and the laws there may be different, but in the US, if you are the adult in charge of the house and you are allowing 14 year olds to consume alcohol on your watch, you are in violation of the law and that is a very serious breach.

I'm not judging, just noting that this is something that could get you jail time. It does not matter who is supplying them with alcohol (well, legally it does, but even if it's not you), just allowing them to consume it in a place that you are in charge of, makes you legally responsible. Some parents might take issue with that.

Just something to consider. If you live somewhere where 14 year olds are considered legal adults and allowed to purchase and consume alcohol, disregard these remarks.

Yeah thats a good point Willard, I didn't even consider it until I heard someone mention the word "police" then I thought about the conversation I'd have with them if they showed up. So I decided to just kick everyone out. I'm in Europe, but I'm sure the laws would be similar here. Pretty stupid that something like that slipped my mind.

This problem I have is a lot harder to resolve with adults. With kids I can just be blatantly direct and tell them to get out of the house because they're causing problems but with people my own age thats not socially acceptable, with adults it seems your have to take a subtle approach and indirectly let people know that they you're not gonna let them walk all over you. Thats what I have trouble with. This subtle thing. With adults, they usually cross the boundaries and disrespect me in subtle ways, as opposed to obvious, direct ways, thats what makes it so tricky for me. I'm sure this is a pretty common problem with people on the spectrum due to the inherent difficulty we have with subtlety and non verbal language, has anyone here figured out ways to overcome this?

Kids, especially young teenagers, live to challenge adult demands -- it's all part of the process of establishing your adult identity. I wouldn't read too much into it, if it happens.

On another note, though: You kicked a load of drunk 14 year olds out of the house? Did you make sure they had somewhere safe to go first? I think you'd potentially be in more trouble for not taking care of them than you would for allowing them to drink booze in private at home.

If -- as I suspect -- you are in the UK, it is perfectly legal for children over the age of five to drink alcohol in private residences.

Yeah I remember when I was 15, my whole life revolved around subverting authority. I'm still not a big fan of authority, but situations like this show me that in some cases its necessary to lay down the law to prevent things from getting too chaotic. So its actually legal to let underage people drink in a private residence in the UK? I would have kicked these teenagers out anyway since they were getting destructive. The ones who couldn't make it home that night, I let them stay the night. They cleaned up the mess the next morning, so no harm done but I'm not gonna let a house party like that happen again, cuz it gets out of hand pretty fast.