Fitting in with my Age Group

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Well, here is my problem. I don't know that it's solvable but it irks me a little in my day to day life.

I don't feel as though my age group and I are at the same level most of the time. I enjoy intellectual debate, thoughtful conversations, and I dislike people who are fake or overly trite. I enjoy classes because I get to interact with the teachers and at least they're as interested in the science as I am. Overall though, I've found that as I've gone through my time in college I've become increasingly withdrawn socially if only because I don't want to put up with certain behaviors from other people.

Is this 'just a phase'? Is it a sign that I'm ready to graduate (which would be lucky since it's going to happen quite soon)? Am I simply growing into myself?

Any ideas on your part would be welcome.

If that is just a phase then it's the longest one I've ever been through. I can't related to folks my age because they have kids, some with grandkids, have mortgages, retirement plans and boats in their garages. I have nothing in common with them. I can relate well to young, unattached people though. There's lots more in common I have with them, like poverty.

I was never all that interested in my peers. I found them to be elitist and flakey. If you didn't have this or like that, you weren't considered cool or as they said in the Eighties, tubular. Dealing with my peers in High School in the Early Nineties wasn't much of a picnic either. I could be talking about the same things that my peers were talking about than they would say, "Okay....Whatever!" I had no problems with being left alone after that, if they were going to be that shallow.

When I was younger I related better to older people. Now I don't really relate to any age group. I am able to get along with people when I have to be with them, but prefer to keep contact with other people in small doses. I have always been somewhat of an introverted hermit type, and have gotten more so as I have gotten older. When I was young it was complicated by intense shyness. Now, although I am still shy, I am much better at dealing with people, even strangers, when I have to. I just prefer not to most of the time. I have very little in common with other people, so interacting with them is awkward, at best, and makes me uncomfortable. What can I or the other person contribute to any conversation when there is no common interest? I prefer my own company. I do socialize here on WP, on Dear Abby, and occasionally on political sites of interest to me. I also maintain some contact with immediate family. I also talk to the neighbors when I see them outside sometimes, and to people in stores when I go shopping. That is enough social contact for me. I have never been a party person, although I do occasionally go to family functions. My extreme shyness in youth made talking to non family people very difficult. Although I am still shy, I eventually managed to get over the worst of it, and can initiate contact with strangers when I want to. I think my work years helped with that. I had only a few long term jobs. Most of my work was temp work, so I worked in lots of different places, and had to deal with lots of strangers over the years. I finally got used to doing that, so I can handle it okay. While it made me uncomfortable, it was interesting "learning" new people of all different walks of life, and all different colors and countries.

I know it sounds strange for a shy person to say, but now I do like talking to people when I am out shopping. I suggest you do as I do. Hang out with who you want to hang out with, when you want to, as much or as little as you want to. It's your life. Live it your way.

I agree with the person who said that if it's a phase, it's a long one. I have almost always related better to people either older or younger than me than people my own age. I had older friends when I was young, maybe because I was intellectually advanced beyond my peer group. When I got a little older, I had younger friends because I was more comfortable around them; they looked up to me like a "big sister" and I didn't feel I had to prove anything or impress them. In college, I had exactly two close friends and otherwise related mostly with my teachers, who loved me because I was actually excited about learning. Now that I'm several years out of college, I find that my close friends are at both extremes; I'm comfortable with older people because they're more accepting and less self-conscious, and I'm comfortable with teenagers because they think I'm cool just because I'm older than them. I have no idea how to act around people in my age group, though; I've never really understood the concept of "acting my age," and I'm always pretty sure I'm doing it wrong. I either act too intelligent or too childish, too worldly or too naive. Since I always feel like I'm performing rather than simply being, I guess the performance seems easier to pull off with someone who either hasn't reached my age yet (and thus doesn't know from experience how I'm supposed to behave) or hasn't been my age in a while (and thus either doesn't remember or doesn't care anymore) than with someone who actually is what I'm pretending to be. Kind of like how a fake accent is more convincing to someone who doesn't really have that accent than to someone who does.

We are somewhat hindered by a reflexive consideration of school as "normal". It may be representative of what most people experience and therefore could be called "typical", it is really an unnatural environment which produces unnatural effects.

School is the age segregation of children into groups for collective processing. As a result these children do not gain a social advantage, but experience a social disadvantage as they are often less able to relate to anyone not of their own age.

This segregation also brings with it a certain force of homogenization such that differences are not well accepted. This further aggravates the problem for Aspies.

You are just probably growing to perceive the differences that have always been there. The pressure to homogenize usually produces a sublimation rather than transformation.

You will probably find it difficult to find many others who have your interests. Most people who might be interested in the things you are tend to be so busy with their own lives, that there is little time for those necessary friendships. You might want to consider groups where you would find people with more time on their hands like retired people.

I suggest this as a phase for me personally because it only started a couple of months ago. For the most part I am good at talking to people and relating to them. I'm also very empathetic. It's only lately that I've felt the need to withdraw into my studies.

I have never related to people my own age. I have always been able to relate better to people much older than me. As a child I was really just more of a mini adult, I feel like I went from being a toddler straight into being conscious of concepts that other children didn't seem to get yet. In middle and high school, I had a couple of friends that were also on the mature side, but I felt most connected to my teachers and although I was too shy and knew it wasn't appropriate, I wished I could hang out with them and their friends.

Since being in the working world, I've happened to have jobs in offices filled with much older folks, usually women, which has helped because I could relate better to them. In fact my siblings have always made fun of me for being "an old lady" even though I am 27. I like to sit at home by myself, crochet, watch the same programs on TV, eat the same foods, go to bed early...of course there are differences I have with older people as well, such as them usually being married and having kids, having more money than me, and not being as technologically inclined.

So, I relate best to older people, but in reality I don't fit in to any age group. Definitely not my own! In college people my age wanted to drink alcohol (makes me sick), go to parties (sensory overload), or generally act foolish (annoying and impractical). Now people my age are starting to get married and have kids, so I can't relate to that either. There was about a year post-college where we could sort of relate, but they still wanted to go to bars and clubs and such, when I'd rather be at home doing an "indoor activity."

Really interesting thread!

When I was a very young boy, I looked at older boys or teenagers (not that I knew any personally just the types I saw on the street) and thought 'I could never possibly be like them,' on the surface they seemed like the complete opposite to me. So I ended up becoming more withdrawn into my teens, to the point where I would wear a peak cap (not fashionable in the late '90's!) and my recently deceased grandfather's old coats and my dad's old jumpers he wore in the 80's and went for the 'old man' image. I honestly felt like the old man with dementia - not getting jokes, needing more explanation, not being sporty etc.

Socially I was at a loose end in my teens, I just latched onto my parent's friends and relatives. As a young adult, I looked at other young guys, and still thought I could never fit in them, my personality, use of language (formal, standard English) just did not fit in. Hence I felt very uncomfortable being 16, or 20 for that matter, however as I got into my early and mid-twenties, the difference between my age group and myself seemed to narrow. People would often consider me very mature and intelligent, but in reality that was because I spent most of my time with adult and always used adult language - in reality I had a weird mix of maturity and immaturity.

Today however, in my early 30's, I can mix with all ages. I have good friends ranging from 19 to 65. Most of my best friends are in their 30's though. It's important to not get age and personality mixed up like I used to. I used to think young people who all loud party-goes, and old people were serious. That's totally not the case! I know what it's like to want to be able to fit in with your peers but just can't. You don't have to change your personality to find people of your age or type you can be friends with, but you can always take steps to understand and get to know your peer group better without compromising your personality.