What to do when people reject you in no uncertain terms?

Post Reply New Topic

I have just joined the awesome Wrong Planet community so not too sure if I am asking this question in the appropriate thread... Anyway, what do you recommend doing when people you have not known for too long but have made a positive connection with and started to become friendly with suddenly, the next few times you see them, they are giving you negative looks and quite clearly do not want anything more to do with you? I am an Aspie, diagnosed at age 50, and have always struggled socially but my problems have been compounded by the fact that many people in my hometown of about 90,000 have confused me with another person who is 4 years older than me and whose reputation has always preceded me, for 40 years now. They think I am the one whose name has been in the local court news but it really isn't me, it's her. I thought that changing my name by deed poll and leaving town would solve the problem but now that I live back in my hometown, and have discovered that the NZ police put my deed poll name in their database as an alias of this other person, so that they kept on (for 25 years!) not being able to tell that we are two different people, so every time they had a complaint about her- quite frequently, apparently- the database would bring up my name and address. And me, having changed my name by deed poll which I now understand made me look suspicious, would then be considered the culprit because they could not see where she ended and I began. I may have self medicated with (sometimes illegal) drugs and alcohol to cope with my anxieties and I may unwittingly have offended many people due to my Asperger's but I am not generally criminally inclined and I do not look for opportunities to steal from people the way this other person does. I do not drink and drive either! I am tired of being rejected and bullied and never knowing if the reason is actually to do with me or if it is because of the mistaken identity issue. I makes me paranoid and miserable. I don't want to feel bitter or have to pay for not only my own mistakes but someone else's as well any longer. What can I do?

Blimey. What a unique and bizarre set of circumstances. I'd get the police to amend their records, but other than that I don't have the first clue what to suggest. Sorry. I hope you manage to get it sorted out to some degree.

Yeah, I would recommend hiring an attorney to straighten that mess out. It wouldn't be cheap, but it would probably get the problem solved once and for all.

You might actually have a legal case against the local government and the police for all the stress and trauma they've caused you by not fixing it themselves. Save every document as evidence.

Interesting first post. Welcome. I see that you have just joined. Why not come on over to the new members section and introduce yourself?

Do you look like the person or have the same name as the person?

Yes, before I changed my name by deed poll we had exactly the same first and last names, and our middle names started with the same letter. I have also seen a short piece of video of her and couldn't help noticing that she had the same haircut and hair colour as me- a brown bob. I know for a fact that she knows about me and I would not be surprised if she has actually contributed to the confusion, as I believe she has. Even people that I thought would know (because we had been friends/acquaintances for so long) I have discovered never realised that there were two of us by that name who grew up in our town in the 1970's/1980's until I mentioned it to them. I hope they believe me.

Few people even get how much of a problem this has been for me. I know there are people who couldn't care less about this problem because they don't like me anyway and don't want to know me regardless. This includes several family/extended family members! I only found out what Asperger's even is about 18 months ago and the more I find out about what it is, the more I understand why I have never been very popular. The mistaken identity issue has just made a difficult thing worse. For example, today I did the test and got 142 out of 200. The non-autistic score was 74. The highest score I got related to giftedness and I found out also about 15 months ago that I have/had a genius I.Q. I remember my mother giving me a Mensa application form that the school must have given to my parents but no-one told me about what the form was for or how it applied to me. I was 11 or 12 when my mother gave it to me. I scored really low in the social area and have a history of annoying or upsetting people when I don't mean to. This has been translated (especially by my family) as me just being a horrible person or having a bad attitude because since I'm so intelligent I must be doing it on purpose, right? Whatever "it" happens to be- being a "know-it-all" or a "smart-ass" or rude or inconsiderate etc. No-one ever took the time when I was a child to teach me what to do because, being good at schoolwork, I wasn't considered to need any help socially, I guess. I was evidently less than charming, and if I didn't like the smell or taste of something I was told to stop complaining and that I was too fussy.

When I got older I clearly stood out from the crowd as being different and once the other person's reputation for being misbehaved in a criminal sense, and therefore her name got known, people who knew who I was often assumed that those rumours/stories applied to me. I seriously used to fear for my sanity and that I might have a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde personality disorder because people would tell me stuff about what "I" had done- never anything positive- which I thought couldn't be true (because they were what the other one had done) but if several people are telling you something you have no choice but to consider the possibility that THEY are right and YOU are the one with the problem, right? And who is going to bother getting to know someone who is socially awkward at the best of times and has rumours going around about them that they are a nasty little troublemaking thief?

I would have loved a proper career where I could have contributed to the world but no one has ever offered me suitable employment or a chance to learn from them the way other people get offers. Because of my Asperger's and not liking to socialise too much anyway I have spent my life not noticing too much that I was being shunned, and thinking it was normal. Now I understand the mistaken identity thing, I can see why my parents treated me (badly) the way they did- they didn't like being told negative things about "their" daughter because it made them look bad. If only they had told me what they had heard and asked me to explain then things could have been so different! It hurts to be the object of ridicule and rejection when it is from people who you don't even know, or don't know very well. And when you get rejected by people who you DO know pretty well. It feels like the whole world hates me and just by admitting that I can see how far along a negative track I have strayed, which I can't seem to get off of.

I am currently obsessed with this whole thing and have been for far too long- I only found out about the NZ police database mix up in January 2012 when a cop came to my house looking for her because she had apparently stolen $400 from the wallet of someone at the hospital where she was visiting. I would never do anything like that! So, while the police database may now have the information in there that we are no relation to each other the damage has been done. Earlier this year, another cop told me that he "could see why there'd been confusion" so I still don't know if the database has been properly corrected. Obviously this fixation of mine is pure mental torture that is not doing me or my precious daughters and husband any good. I feel like I can't let go of the past, both because of my issues and because other people won't let me as long as they think I am responsible for what someone I don't even know does. I used to have hope but now, not so much.

Since you do appear to have a supportive husband that you care about, is it possible to confide in him and get him to assist you in sorting out the confusion? Maybe a notice in the classified section of the local newspaper that you are not responsible for the actions of "Ms X"and have nothing to do with her - I have seen similar notices.

I'm sorry you have been in such a difficult situation. But here on WP we stand together. I was only diagnosed at age 46 - 4 years ago - and it has been great to finally know the answers to so many things that puzzled me about my own situation - especially since I joined WP just over a year ago and have learned so much more. I wish I had known earlier! - as knowledge is power.

Best of luck with this troublesome situation. You are not alone, but you can't force everyone in the NT world to like you, However, I do hope you can resolve the "mistaken identity" matter as soon as possible. Keep us updated.

I have suffered from similarly mistaken identity, to the extent of being greeted by strangers in the street (and them occasionally being offended by my apparent refusal to recognise them), to being mistaken by family members in public situations, and to being 'recognised' by shopkeepers and barstaff. I suppose I should be grateful my 'lookalike' isn't a criminal. I don't know what to suggest apart from possibly adopting a vastly different hairstyle to you double. I would certainly take it up with the police, though -- if their records are wrong., the onus is you on them to prove them right, not on you to rove them wrong