Confusing behaviour of co-worker/friend

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I am really old - 42 now and I still get confused with people's behaviour.

I do look and act a lot younger, but even then, I can't always work out what I am supposed to do and how to interpret what other people do.

So, here's another question from today. I ran into a colleague at work - we are quite friendly - he zips up my dress when there are no women around and I listen to his women woes - so we are friends of a sort you could say. Anyway, today when I saw him he was not feeling well but we chatted for a while anyway and at one point I said something I had said before which was a mild tease, and he told me to f**k off and made out as if to kick me. I am reasonably sure that was playful as he has done it to me before when I had said something that he found annoying but I am wondering about the reaction - I mean who kicks out at their friends/co-workers at that age (he is 10 years younger but still). I have never met anyone who behaves this way and when it happens I just find it perplexing. I think you are supposed to grow out of such impulsive behaviour by the time you are a teenager and this guy is otherwise a picture of correct behaviour. It's just weird and I don't know what to think about it and whether I should say something.

I mean, does the fact he does that mean that whatever it was that I said was really upsetting for him and I should apologise? I don't usually understand how can someone take some things as seriously as he seems to take a lot of things so it is possible that I have been very insulting to him and just didn't appreciate how much. But then, guys don't like to be seen as causing fuss so I if I bring it up, it may make things even worse.

This is one of those where I am genuinely not sure which one of us is nuts.

You told him to f**k off. He told you to f**k off.

There is no problem.

I didn't tell him to f**k off!

Anyway, it's about kicking out with his foot at me - is that normal?

was it a strong kick aimed at you or a playful exaggerated flick of his leg maybe? I don't get peoples reactions overly well either

it was a pretend kick - as if he was about to kick me in the shin - the way very small boys are want to do when they get annoyed/can't have their way. He's had other simulation-violent moves in the past, when I first met him I seriously worried that he had a temper, he can still scare me a little bit, although I would like to think it's not really a possibility. I guess I press his buttons, without even trying. Why are people so complicated? *sigh*

In other news, I've had it with my cat [said for the billionth time] I want to live a rodent-free life, why doesn't the tiny monster get that through to her stupid tiny head!!

It's not easy to be sure. Sometimes people are more likely to touch you or "pretend" hit you or give you a little surprise like "boo" or a playful kick when they are getting more comfortable with you - they like you, they think you're cool/attractive/fun, they think you will take it well.

Also, they might do it out of true annoyance. Two opposite things!

So, it's really important to have caught the facial expression and the tone of voice. Can you remember if there was a small grin and a small laugh with the "f*** off" and kick?, and then he kept talking to you like nothing had happened… because that is him being playful and friendly. If he was frowning, growling a bit, and then immediately stopped talking to you for a while, that could be bad.

If you still don't know (this has happened to me), you can wait 20 mins, and say, "Hey, um, I wasn't really sure, you seemed like you could be upset by what I said. I know I was teasing, but I meant it to be funny. Please forgive me, I would like us to keep up our good communication. Maybe it would be better for me to not say things like that?". Then he might well say, "Oh no, I was just having fun too! Don't worry about it!", or he'll say, "Yeah well, I was annoyed then, but I have calmed down now. It's okay.". Just be slightly prepared for the worst, which is, "Really? It wasn't good. It was insensitive and it made me upset. I can't believe that you're actually sorry".

^ thank you, that's really insightful and good advice!

I think he was really annoyed but we did chat afterwards for a short while but he left almost immediately. I just completely do not have a clue as to what sort of thing he WANTS me to say so that he wouldn't get annoyed. It's the same conversations that always trigger this sort of thing, so I guess I just have to remember to thread carefully in the future. Plus he was ill, so obviously that didn't help.

OK, here's what it was about - the guy is workaholic. he admits it, everyone knows it. When I saw him today - Sunday, he had a really bad cold and told me that he had come in for just an hour and was still there 6 hours later. So when I asked why he was doing this to himself he gave the same old line - if I don't do it, it won't get done. So I kind of rolled my eyes and said, oh yea, the old martyr tendencies, as I genuinely think he's got some sort of problem in this area. Anyway, this is where he got cross and lashed out in a pretend kick way but then just left soon after that.

So anyway, he always gives this performance of woe is me but then doesn't want to hear any practical suggestions and if you offer help or advice he actually seems to get annoyed. I feel the way men must feel when they are talking to women - I think he just wants me to go aww you poor thing, there there..but I can't really bring myself to say that seriously - maybe I should just fake it anyway and if he still gets annoyed at least there will be no change there?

Our joint colleague told me once that I worry too much about what this guy thinks and whether he is upset or not and maybe that's true as well. I just can't stop obsessing about it for a while after, but then I forget it until the next time.

Anyway, sorry for going on about this and thank you everyone for reading and for the advice.

Oh yeah, what you said about him being sick and over-worked reminds me:

sometimes in life, it's not about what you did - it's completely about THEM.

It's very wise to go to someone you trust, explain what happened, and ask them if maybe you did something wrong or perhaps it was actually the other person having a bad day.

Much tougher sometimes to know when someone is having a bad day and just being as kind and patient as possible with them.

^ thank you again. I have tried this approach before and was just told "ach, don't worry about it, I'm sure it's fine"

I think I am just going to try and be less helpful in the future, and stop trying to have an actual authentic friendship and just pretend and give lip service. That approach always seems to work much as I hate it.