Problems with Jealousy in Friends and Being Solitary

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I'm a 31 year-old Aspie and I lucked out a bit in that my special interest is human behavior so I have a fairly easy time being proactively social. I typically am the "funny guy" in the group because of those wonderfully outlandish things we Aspies say and people always tell me they have a great time at parties I throw or gatherings I initiate. I always make it a point to never "piss off the innocent" which in essence means I put a lot of effort into not hurting people who don't deserve it.

My problem comes when I put my hopes on the idea that there is reciprocation. It has always been a constant in my life that unless I initiate the gathering, I will not receive an invite to any other gatherings. Then what makes it extra painful is when the next time I see my friends they regale me of the tales of fun times, outings and even just somber nights hanging out with each other in the time between when I see them not even realizing that I was left out of any invitation. I wish it didn't but this causes a big ball of hurt, jealousy, and anger in me. I don't lash out or express this outside of maybe saying, "Oh I didn't know about it," or "I didn't get an invite." What makes matters worse is often I will find that the people in my social circles that usually are the drags of the party were present and accounted for.

As an Aspie my analysis machine of a brain goes into overdrive here trying to figure out the cause and I only ever end up with the following: 1. They're purposefully excluding me or 2. I'm forgettable. In high school after a bit of a post-mortum analysis from talking with other alumni several years later they always I came across as a one-man army or naturally a lone-wolf, not necessarily as in I was offensive but just that I came across as so secure in who I was and I didn't seem like I needed company. (growing up I was invited over to somebody's house once). So that made me wonder well how in the world do you come across as needing company without being seen as needy? Even in my day-to-day upkeep of friends, if I don't initiate the conversation, I'm probably not going to hear from them.

I would love to hear any advice on ways you all have maybe gotten around the issue of the jealously and a "softening" of who you are if you've had a similar experience in-life.

No advice. Just after decades of having hundreds of people over to our house and nobody ever inviting us over, it's just a fact of life.

We do have the tendency to give off a natural "Don't touch me" vibe - it's partly body language cues we aren't even aware that we're sending and facial expressions (or lack of much expression) when we think we're wearing an engaging smile. I think it's a result of our naturally elevated levels of anxiety, but in any case, as you say, it gives the impression that we are content to stand somewhat apart from the crowd (which is for the most part true).

So I suppose that 'observer from another planet' feeling that we frequently have is more than just an internal subjective point of view. Apparently we actually look like aliens, too.

This is a tricky situation, and it's really hard to know for sure what is causing the fact that you're feeling left out. It could be your body language, as Willard mentioned above. It's hard to tell without not knowing how you come across to others. Or, it could be that these people have more things in common to talk about. It could be any number of things, but you won't have a sense of what this is until you inquire about it yourself.

Are you particularly close to any one of these people? If so, you can always arrange to hang out with one of them casually and then bring up your concerns about feeling excluded and how you can be better included among this group of friends. People are usually honest with this stuff when they know someone well, so it's worth a try.

I have asked them over the years and people just respond they don't often hang out because they're busy or what not. Only problem with this is the fact they tell about their escapades in the interim. I find it ironic that we're the ones that supposedly have the rough time with empathy but the NTs can't make the connection in their head that what they're saying is hurtful.

I'm a 33 year old aspie male and am also told that I'm "nice" and "funny", and I experience the same issues you described. I haven't found a way to fix lack of social reciprocity, but I have had quite a few years to soften to the perceived slight. In high school, my mom told me that I needed to stop always being the one to initiate contact with others so that I could find out who my true friends are. This turned into two weeks of absolutely no interaction with my friends; so I learned to not fixate on one-sided initiation because it only increased my sense of loneliness and frustration. I learned that I enjoy doing things with people, and to keep doing what I enjoy and disregard that my interactions with others didn't match NT-NT interactions.

Haha. I actually tried this once. After 3 months I would see people out and about and people thought I had moved.

It may have something to do with the fact that they spend time with you already with the gatherings you initiate. I can't say for certain but people like to mix certain people in and out of groups I've been in a few different groups recently trying to make friends. It never really hit pay dirt but I enjoyed them and think I did well and mainly am glad I finally started saying "yes" instead of "no" to every request made to me. Main friends stick together mostly I think but they like to try new fits. Sorry guess this won't really help

All I can suggest is trying to find new friends but obviously it's not that easy.
I actually made some good friends last year at a Yu-Gi-Oh tournament. But just as we were getting closer, they had to move away. Which really, really sucks because I hadn't been able to actually be myself that much since I was a kid.

Anyway, I'm in the same boat. I do get invited to some things but I'm usually forgotten about. The excuse they mostly give is that by the time they remembered me (gee, thanks...) everyone was already there and too drunk to come and get me (I don't have a license), naturally I point out that I could easily get a taxi (and I'm quite happy too, I don't expect friends to act as a taxi service for me) they dont really have anything to say to that. Part of me just wants to ignore them completely and hope I can find new, better friends. But that is highly unlikely and most of them have known me for a very long time, so they know and accept things about me that others wouldn't. So keeping that in mind, they are good friends but at the same time, I can't help but wonder how much they really like or care about me.
Lately I've been thinking I'd be better off without any friends, at least for a while. Even my best friend.. when we were in High School, he was known to lie and manipulate people and even though that was a longish time ago and he has changed a lot since then (in good ways), when he goes out of his way to do something nice for me, I still can't help but wonder "is he just trying to score brownie points with me, or something?" Because I've seen him do that before, even in more recent times (not as much as in the past), being less than honest or fake helpfullness etc just to get people to think better of him.
On the other hand, I could just be over analyzing things. So maybe I don't really know what's happening. Or I do and I'm just in denial.

I'm experiencing something similar at the moment. If you're shy, you may have to put more effort in initiating because you may appear aloof and people think you don't like them. Friendly people who actually like me or are interested in spending time with me will occasionally initiate contact. Most people are scared of rejection too, so if you look like you're not that interested they're not gonna take the risk to ask you. When I talk to other shy people, I'm scared they'll reject me because they look so disinterested. It could also be something you're doing or not doing that's putting people off, but there's also the possibility that THEY are the ones who are insecure. Another possibility is that you're coming on too strong. When guys do this it can come across as aggressive, annoying or smothering. I'd recommend studying body language and working on being an active listener. I know it's frustrating, but it takes hard work to get things that are worth it in life. Hang in there! Try not to compare yourself to people who seem to have it easy. I know it may feel like you're the only one that's suffering, but everyone has things they're struggling with and if we knew more about them we wouldn't feel so down about ourselves. If this doesn't apply to you, then I apologize. I try to help but sometimes I give unnecessary advice.

Yeah, I know that feeling of friendships being a bit one-sided. I wonder if NTs get this as well and, if so, how they deal with it. Of course, I've also thought about this (a lot!) and the best I came up with is that people really don't particularly care either way whether I'm around or not. I think for many NTs this is "good enough", but for me it's not.

An example from a while ago stuck with me. A very NT guy that I knew reasonably well (but wouldn't describe as a "friend") mentioned that he's having a party to me and my friend, but didn't actually invite us. Later, when he left, my friend asked me if I was planning on going. "But he didn't actually invite me!", I said, "I don't think he really wants me to come". My friend's response was: "the only way he would really want you to come to his party is if you were a really hot chick " It was funny, but very true, I realised. This guy wouldn't care whether I came or not, but the same went for many of the people there.

So it's possible that I didn't get invited somewhere because I'm "forgettable", but it's also possible that others didn't get invited either and just tagged along anyway. If you have people who come to your parties you're already ahead of many aspies socially - but you probably already know that.

That's an interesting point! Since I really dislike "pushy" people who invite themselves to things I try not to be one of those and just play it cool. But sometimes I think I play it too cool and come across as disinterested. I'm sure there have been cases in my life where I and the other person both waited for each other to initiate something or show interest somehow. Combine that with the fact that there are few people I'm actually interested in to begin with and making friends becomes extremely difficult.

I just try to talk to many different people who are open, and not focus on what makes us different. Everyone can be boring at times, but if you try to be a little patient and give others a chance, your interest in them may grow. If anything, it's a good learning experience. I didn't really like my best friend when I first met her because we had nothing in common but we became closer slowly over time.