Why do so many aspies want friends?

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I know that most literature on AS stipulates that most aspies strive to make friends. I still have to ask, however ... Why? Why do so many of you want friends? And why do so many of you complain that you can't make friends?

My motto is ... don't. It's not worth it. I know that may sound negative to some, but I can't help it. I know some desire some sort of friendship, but if it hurts that bad to interact ... why bother?

We have our obsessions. We have our interests. What else matters?

I'm not saying that you should be rude. I'm not even saying about speaking with coworkers. If someone thinks you're weird, then so be it. I don't care. Why should most of us care?

I hear a lot of people complaining about how they can't maintain good relationships. If you can, that's one thing. Sure, go for it. But, if you have so many problems, why is making friends or relationships so important to you?

I have learned a long time ago that people are a nuisance. They get too emotional, and then I get too emotional. If I were to have a relationship, I can see myself the first time money became an issue. My spouse would get upset, and then I'd flip my lid. Then, she would feel threatened by my meltdowns or whatever, and that would be the end of it. Maybe if I could get a spouse that would accept me for who I am, but even an aspie relationship probably would have the same impact. I get too irritable, too tense and too emotional.

People, even aspie types, aren't truly structured beings. There's all these things in life that make things so unstructured, and that could be bills, whatever. I'm fine if I have to handle these things myself, because I know what I'm doing. Someone else may have different plans. Or, if I need help, I can seek help. Someone else may second guess that. None of this is worth it.

Why bother making friends?

- Ray M -

It's just an innate, irrational desire that I'm not capable of overriding. Okay?

Aeturnus, I picked up your comment on this in your "fearful avoidance", and thought it warranted its own thread, so am glad to see this.

My thoughts on this have varied a lot after many years living as an undiagnosed Aspie, and this latter year diagnosed, and reviewing both my life-history and my view of the world as a result.

Why do Aspies want to make friends?

Because it's sold as "normal" and "a good thing" through our early years.
Even if it was seriously against our natural leanings, many would take some time and effort to throw off that propaganda, that consensus. Some perhaps realise later, as adults, that trying to do as the world does, and thereby struggling, or failing, is not the way to go.
Waking up to the right to "be yourself" might be wonderfully freeing.

On the other hand, it could be a case of sour grapes. Having failed at making friends, one learns to be good at solitary activities, and declare a preference for them.

There could easily be a mix of those two.

I gerw up with very few friends, and solitary hobbies and activities do become self-reinforcing. I find time spent socially with people most commonly tiring even when it is pleasant and entertaining. It's not something I can relax at.

But to have friends...
I'm very short on the ability to network. At work I notice many conversations which lead to solved problems because someone "knows someone who..."
(Also the inverse: rows, problems and infidelities..!)
And the others at work entertain each other, encourage each other...

Are people with friends happier? Probably, if they are not contorting themselves to keep them. As a student, going for walks in the London parks, I did notice there weren't many others walking alone and wondered what I was missing, and why. (same with restaurant tables, and cinema queues...). Even more so with a girlfriend. I did get one or two, (pretty briefly) and looking back I think it it was more because I was desirous of the idea of having a girlfriend rather than of the individuals themselves: "Men with girlfriends are happier and more confident. If I have a girlfriend..."

A mixed viewpoint then. I'd like a few more friends, but they would have to be a more natural fit with me than the groups and individuals I not-very-successfully tried to keep up with when I was younger.

Like you Aeturnus, I do not particularly care whether I have friends, and I do not actively seek friendships. For me this is because I am happy to do my own things and be left to my own devices. Ironically, I have a few friends anyway. I like having them as friends. Many (most?) people are annoying but these particular friends of mine never (very rarely?) say anything annoying or stupid. They make intelligent and interesting comments, including things I would not have thought about or realized by myself. Also, they do not make large demands on my time, which suits me well.

A friendship, provided that it is the right kind of friendship with the right kind of person, can be nice and also rewarding. Thus I can understand a desire to have friendships, but I do not understand people who make getting friends the top/overriding priority of their life.

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I like to get on with people generally, and if the opportunity arises then I'll try to become friends with them too. But I don't go out of my way to make friends, and in most cases I'm content to do things alone, even in environments and situations where it would be easier for me to do things with others. For example, a lot of people at university seem to study with friends, while providing both practical and emotional support to each other.

For the record, right now I don't have any friends that I am in direct contact with. There is one woman I am keeping in contact with by email, and one fellow who I have never met in person but I chat with online.

I would like to agree with the majority of what Emettman said...

I generally do just fine without friends, however once and a while I crave the human portion I think. I talk with people online, but I do not see/meet/do anything with anyone other than family in real life. Even with family it is very, very limited and for short periods.

Now, when I have those cravings, is usually when I am feeling lonely, down, etc..I am not sure why, but I feel friends would help. But then I dont really know, never having had any "true" friends.

Interesting thread, great responses.

I want friends because you can have a great time with friends.

The best times of my life have usually been with friends, and although I love being on my own, a little company every now and then is nice.

Friendships are a part of who we are as human beings, and we're not the first species to have that. Rudumentary forms of friendships exist among apes, monkeys, dolphins, and other, less intelligent mammals. So it's only natural to want people's company, whether or not you have problems finding it. But since people often consider themselves above the rest of the ecosystem, they often don't realize how ingrained friendship is in humans.

I wonder why this is even a question.

Human beings, like it or not, are not meant to live isolated from each other, and if we do, it's all by our own choice. I like to know I matter to someone else besides my mother enough to be invited to gatherings and parties once in a while, to see and comment on the work I do, and to simply hear points of view other than my own on all things. Unlike NTs, I don't feel the need of hitting the bar circuit and "score" every weekend. Once in a while is more than enough for me. Plus, I don't smoke, so going to places where everyone else does is not very attractive either.

Now it all depends on who you call a "friend", because there are friends and then there are "friends" if you know what I mean. Sometimes it is hard to tell which people are worthy enough to consider as "true friends" you can count on even in the hardest moments, and which ones are best left as mere acquaintances. I made mistakes in the past of making "true friends" of people that would just stab you in the back at the first chance, so I am now even more picky and choosy with them than I already was. I've never had tons of friends anyway, just very few ones, and those who still stand can be considered true treasures.

I recently went through 6.5 year period in my life where I didn't even care about friends (triggered by a horrible incident in high school, and ending last fall when I finally came to terms with that incident)

...and now I want those years back.

I've never been good at the whole "friends" thing (and failings in my criteria for judging "friends" left me getting backstabbed more times than I care to recall), but giving up to the point of what social skills you once had are simply forgotten is the worst possible thing you can do.

This, along with severe and numbing depression (so bad that I couldn't even tell I had a problem... it wasn't until just few months ago that I came to terms with this) made that a period of my life where I cannot recall anything positive, beyond the explorations in my obsessions (thankfully, one of those interests got me a college degree).

I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Yes, people are confusing, irritating, and obnoxious. But they are also necessary and can make a tremendous positive impact. But to be successful, it is necessary to learn how to interact with them. Friendship is a mechanism by which people can learn practice this interaction on a continuing basis.

i think that not having friends makes my life of less worth than the people who do. i want to be accepted and valued so i can, in turn, value myself

My motto is ... don't. It's not worth it. I know that may sound negative to some, but I can't help it. I know some desire some sort of friendship, but if it hurts that bad to interact ... why bother?

Well, be a teenager, don't interact, see where it gets you.
If it comes to that, interact, see where it gets you.
You're ******* if you do. You're ******* if you don't. Since you're ******* either way, you might as well try. That's my experience anyway.

I need solitude sometimes, but I need social interaction others. Not with just anyone, but with people I can relate to. Plus, without friends, who can one trust? Who can one turn to when one has been hurt? Who can one go to for help when one needs it, or when one desires it? Friends come in handy; even if conversations with others are not stimulating to you, you cannot deny that having the right friends can allow one to reach certain places one wouldn't be able to reach without such friends.