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So my coworker got royally pissed at me yesterday for what she perceived as my insensitivity to our being friends and treating her as if she were no one. I honestly do not know how I caused offense and I apologized profusely because she really is good to me and I care for her a lot. But, I feel like once AGAIN I have totally destroyed a friendship for being insensitive, callous, rude, etc.

I feel that I will be perpetually alone. Apart from my husband I have no close friends right now and it bugs me. What if my husband leaves me? Then where would I be.....

I'm sorry that happened. Sometimes it's happened to me and it's awful. The person may become friendly again, but rarely back to where it was. There is no answer, you did your best and that's all that is possible. Even though the other person may feel otherwise, even though you may figure out something to not do again, you've done your best and it has to be enough, at least in your own mind.

I once had a friendship with a fellow nurse. We hanged out together, I went to her apartment to watch TV, went shopping, etc. One evening at work, I don't know if she was playing a game, but it was like she'd never met me before. She walked past me in the hallways like I wasn't there. She didn't talk to me. She completely turned her back to me like I was invisible. I was perplexed by it, stopped her in her tracks, and asked her about it. She gave no answer, just simply continued on her merry way.

As the night approached I couldn't take the neglect anymore. As she was walking down the hall, I yelled at her for ignoring me. She looked at me and started crying. Oops. Wrong response. Definitely one I wasn't expecting. She yelled that she'd never talk to me again. What an odd exchange.

We started talking again after that incident but eventually we went our separate ways. I never did understand why she was so cold shouldered; maybe it's best if I don't. In any case, we learn and we grow and we move one. Just chalk it up as being another of life's lessons.

Yeah, she started talking to me again this afternoon but I feel that things are different now. I also do not understand how I made ONE perceived mistake and am totally written off as a bad person. I don't understand you are right, I did my best and that is enough.

I have been complaining a lot in the past year that I am lonely and have no friends but it is probably for the best. I can't stand these up and down dramatic "issues".

That's just how most women communicate. You must have done something wrong and she's not going to tell you what it was because she thinks if you don't already know it means you're a bad person or insensitive. It's nutso logic.

I'm NT and I have a lot of family and friends on the autism spectrum. A NT girl I know asked me how relationships with people on the spectrum change as an adult (she has an aspie daughter). I said that as the non-autistic person, you have to accept that your aspie loved one DOES not and WILL NEVER care/understand some of your NT sh*t. That can be very, very hard for a NT. I think aspies are forced to accept this pretty early and don't expect others to completely "get" them. Most NTs tend to believe that this complete "getting" of someone (even without explanations) is necessarily for closeness and love.

I advocate the approach of saying, "I'm not good at social stuff. I know I upset you but I really don't know what I did. Can you explain it to me so I can avoid doing it again in the future?" It might not have been your fault at all, but it helps to mend hard feelings if you put yourself in the position of blame.

I said that to her and profusely apologized but she is still giving me the cold shoulder while being courteous (since we work together). It just galls me sometimes that NT sometimes act as if their whole world is over when you do something wrong even with pleas to do whatever it takes to mend the damage.

I know nothing about what happened in your situation, but for me, one is all it takes sometimes. I have written someone off after one mistake I wasn't willing to move past. They weren't someone I was very close to though.



Everyone have those thoughts. I've thought like that when my family fails to understand something about me. It makes me think "how they can truly love me when they don't understand me?", which I know isn't true because a ) I know I am loved, and b ) I don't get everything about them but I couldn't love them more. Everyone has doubts and insecurities.


As an aspie female who has reacted that way when there's no way someone can be that insensitive without intending to (not aimed at you, OP; aimed at people in my life), I'd say there are more reasons than that. It's an important one, but not the only one.

Even when giving them the benefit of the doubt:
- I can be so POd I can't talk civilly to them (and sometimes not talk to them period) for a long time. I need for them to stay away so I can cool down.
- Admitting that someone got to me means showing vulnerability. No-one wants that, and especially not to someone who comes off as insensitive or intentionally provoking, as it seems obvious they should get it. (Liken it to this: If you kick someone, you know why they get angry, it's obvious to both of you. To me as the one who reacts, this is equally obvious.)


Of course, besides what I'd say are real feelings of anger and frustration and possible hurt as described above, there can also be plenty of other things at play, like dominance games and princess types, all depending on the situation and the people involved.

Without knowing what you said, it's hard to say for sure; that said, two possibilities

1.) Some people just have a hairpin trigger.

2.) It's possible whatever you said hit a nerve. Some people are more sensitive to some things than others.

Sometime it works to act as if nothing happened--like if the person overreacted they're not going to apologize, they still feel wronged. But if they're willing, they may let it go.

Not very satisfying, I know. But may be worth trying.